Fear and Courage

Fear motivated my decision more than one year ago to come back.

I know there are scholars that never return to serve their bond.

I know the value of my scholarship is probably only around RM25,000. 

I also know that most of my batchmates have graduated from their pupillage and are already working as lawyers. 

While here I am. 

Yet, courage to face each day is all I have right now. 

Darkest Before Dawn?

It has been a tough few months for me. Mostly emotional challenges, fighting my inner demons etc.

Getting a placement within a company you are bonded to can either be really easy or really frustrating, difficult, exhausting and will downright destroy your self-esteem. It can be really easy if you are not fussy with the nature of the work you want to do or if you have a flexible degree like accounting and finance. For me though, it was the latter, for two main reasons.

First, I graduated with a law degree. The only place where I could logically be placed within a company would be the Legal department. But most people dont leave the Legal department once they enter. Maybe it's because of the job stability, the kinder environment (relative to law firms), maybe it's the pay.. I dont know for sure; only just know that turnover rate is low and that is a fact. Every division for Legal tells me they have no vacancy for a fresh graduate like me.

Secondly, I am a fussy pot. I dont do creative work, I dont enjoy auditing people, and I am not confident that I have any career prospect doing IT work. The only place I can fit in is the Legal department because I am a meticulous and anal person.

I also considered the Strategy department mostly because it was where all the scholars go; and if all the high-achievers go there, it shouldnt be too bad a place aite?

Well I came in at a time when the company's recruitment activities were slowing down. Even internal transfers were getting impossible at that point. There was no justification for a law graduate to be doing finance work. So even Strategy turned me down.

I didnt really think I was going to survive this ordeal. Almost imagined myself being stuck doing something menial for the next year or so until my bond was served completely.

I am not sure what changed my luck but today, I was called for an interview. It was my second interview in six months and it also happened to be my first choice of employment within the company. So I was estatic. But having being let down so many times in the past few months, my heart is numb to the joy and I shall wait until the transfer is official.

I am writing this because I hope it can serve as a reminder for my future self that sometimes things get to their worst before maybe getting better. I wont say things happen for a reason, because things can still happen for a BAD reason.

Well we shall wait till 3 August 2015 to know whether my new job is confirmed. Then only we think about how to celebrate it. 

Good Enough

24 in a few hours, but how much have I really achieved career-wise?

People were wrong when they told us to study hard in school, score perfect grades and to enter a reputable university. Confirm can get a good job, they said. Well, it's either they have a different definition of a "good job" or I heard wrongly.

The truth is, being the perfect student in school doesnt guarantee you the dream job. It doesnt earn you a million bucks, it doesnt guarantee that your relatives will be impressed with your choice of study. For what it is worth, it cant even guarantee you being happy.

So really, perfectionism is overrated.

Yet this desire to be perfect is the root to all my desires right now. I want to be the best, I want to be the most successful among my batchmates, I want to earn the most and I want to be the one most recognised. (Where did all this ego come from?!)

And sadly, this desire to be perfect is the root to all my misery right now. I want to be able to pursue my chambering. I want to be a lawyer. I want to do something meaningful in my life instead of chilling my days away in a comfortable office.

It is easy to say that my life is good enough. Not so easy to tell them good enough is not enough for someone who aims for the sky.

People say I should be satisfied; I should be grateful to have so much.

But it is not so easy to tell them that good enough is not enough, when you aimed for so much more.