A break from all that emo-blogging... I finally got the pictures from the camp I went to in Gopeng. It is definitely a camp to be remembered. I have included along with this entry, a video of my group white-water rafting. It was a thrilling experience.

sooo many pics. maybe upload another time ya!

btw, me sitting in the second row on the left side of the boat, white shirt. :D

Last night, I gave in to my emotions. But it will not always happen. Each and every time I fall, I will have more strength and belief that i can get back up again. Each time i hurt and cry, I am that much closer to picking myself up, and moving on with my life. at least, this is what i hope for.

Something random, just remembered what you got for my 17th birthday. A bouquet of roses that arrived at my house before i even got back from home. At that time, I was unhappy because you couldnt celebrate my birthday with me. But right now, when i look back, i realise that there were so many instances like this that i took you for granted. My heart pains not just because i have lost you, but also because of all the regrets. You are sorry for letting me down, I am sorry for causing you to shed those tears, and hurting you throughout the course of our relationship. I can only hope i will be forgiven for those instances, that i am today, ashamed to admit was my deed.

sigh... but what is past is past. I cannot go back in time to make things right. If i could, i would go back to all those days we quarrelled and fought over itsy-bitsy stuff and instead of picking a fight with you, i would have forgiven you there and then. Because what matters most was that then, you did love me with all your heart. And i am sorry, really sorry, i took your love and affection for granted then.

The only way i can comfort myself now is that I can only ensure that i will never let this happen ever again. As much as it is difficult to do, i will try never ever to take my loved ones for granted in future.

I thought I was strong enough, thought i could hold it up and not break down. But I did tonight. You break my heart, time and time again. And I so foolishly let you break it.

I find it hard to accept that you are gone from my life.

I find it hard to accept that I mean so little to you now.

I find it hard to accept that you dont have sleepless nights because of us.

that I might never see your face for a long long time

that I will have to celebrate my birthday alone this time, and the years to come

that I can never call you again to tell you about my day

never will I hear your gentle voice comfort me in distress

never step into your comfortable room again

never have you hug me

and that I would have to

pack our stuff together in a box and keep it away

learn to move on and get over a love lost

accept that some things arent meant to be

fight the need to reach out to you

resist the urge to know what your life is like

i really dont want this to end

i almost cant recall what my life was without you

i dont want to go to places we normally go to be reminded that i wouldnt be going there with you again

i dont want to watch the movies we watched together for fear that they provoke memories

i dont want to see our old friends and teachers, for i do not welcome their questions

i dont want to look at our things, only to fall back into reality knowing that those things were only good for when we are together but hurts when we arent

i dont want to see your FB one day to find that you have alrd moved on

i dont want to read the msgs and letters you used to write because it will remind me of the irony of the situation today

i dont want to see pics of us in better times for those smiling faces are only gloating at my misery

i dont want to wake up one day only to realise that i have not only lost my bf, but also one of my best-est friends in my life

i dont want to lose you

but i know

i know that this split is inevitable

i dont really have a say in this

i just wish i can get this over with

it really is very hard to accept that you decided to change overnight

much harder to accept that you have stopped loving me

i dont want to forget those beautiful memories

and even the not-so-beautiful ones

'coz they remind me of how pure our love used to be

but everything i do, just keeps going back to those bittersweet fragments in my head

i really want to let go

so i can stop hurting

i just want to stop thinking of you

stop loving you

Tiramisu and Spending Spree

I am not one who normally splurges RM100+ in a day. I will feel guilty and start to withdraw in my comfy room for the next few days, spending as little as possible after that. But today, was a different matter. Having been busy with the birthday celebration of Zokhri and Jo Rene hours after my last exam paper, the Wet N' Wild Camp in Gopeng and the ALSA UiTM National Conference, today marked my first official free day after exams!

I woke up early as usual, and had to make a decision between making a tiramisu cake or go on a shopping spree at Berjaya Times Square. In the end, i decided to do both! But i went to Midvalley instead. Walked all over MV looking high and low for the ultimate perfect pair of skinny jeans and finally bought one for RM59.

Hair brush RM19.90

Other personal stuff RM20

Cream cheese RM10.90 x 2 = RM21.80

Lunch RM9.50

Ice-cream RM1.50 x 2 = RM3.00

Jeans RM59

Ladyfingers (for tiramisu) RM3.50

Vanilla essence RM2.80

Whipping cream RM19.90

Total: almost RM200

And... and the worst thing is I feel no remorse! In fact, i feel like kicking myself for not buying that dress I liked so much. *Hope I dont become a shopaholic* I am trying to comfort myself with the fact that I didnt really spend much on myself. The cream cheese, and other food items were bought for baking purposes and technically, this is for the consumption of my family and not just me. Fair, right? heehee

Came back and started work on the tiramisu.

All you need is:

2 blocks of cream cheese, softened
3 eggs, separated
2/3 cup sugar

200ml strong coffee (3 tsp instant coffee + 3 tsp sugar)

50 lady finger biscuits
2 tbsp cocoa powder (for dusting)
½ tsp vanilla

1. Cream the cream cheese, yolks, sugar and vanilla.

2. In a separate bowl, beat the egg whites till they form peaks. Mix them into the cream cheese mixture.

3. Dip ladyfingers into the coffee. (Personally, I think you will need to dip it till they are soggy coz in my case, I didnt, and the biscuit remained chewy and that made cutting the tiramisu a little more tedious.) Arrange them in a 8 x 8 pan.

4. Top the next layer with the cream cheese mixture. Alternate between the ladyfingers layer and cream cheese. The final layer should be the cream cheese. Decorate the top by dusting with cocoa powder.

5. Refrigerate for around 6 hours. And it is ready to be served! :)

What Fairy Tales Do Not Tell Little Girls

We all know that Cinderella got to marry her Prince after years of slaving away in her own home, Snow White woke up from a deep sleep after her Prince gave her that kiss, Princess Fiona got to marry and live happily with her Ogre that rescued her from the castle, and we even have our very own modern fairy tale romance of Prince William and Kate Middleton to show us that true love does exist, just like in the fairy tales.

These stories are so ingrained in each and everyone of us girls, if not all. Despite saying how much we wish we can find a handsome/rich/popular/etc. guy, deep in our hearts all we hope for is to find a man who can really appreciate us for who we are - see through us and still appreciate our inner self. We want to have a genuine, honest relationship where love is pure, true and innocent. We want to spend the rest of our lives, happily with him, knowing that he will faithfully love and cherish us for who we are to him.

I always loved fairy tales when i was a little girl. I still love them now. Who can refuse a whimsical romance that eventually ends in a happily-ever-after?

But in reality how often does it really happen?

I never really gave much thought to it. Somehow, despite the rising rates of divorces, break-ups of couples around me, I always believed that as long as I have faith, things will eventually work out for me. I believed that i would get my fairy tale ending. No, not necessary a handsome prince. But a simple guy who can truly appreciate me for being me, and that i can truly love in return. And I aint looking for the money. I just want to spend a genuine and happy life with the one I love, whom i may also call my best friend. I only want to find that one person whom I can share my world with, laugh and cry with, and that i can confide in without worrying whether he is judging me or if my secret will be let out to everyone in the world. I want to be able to trust that one single person and everything single thing he does.

What fairy-tales do not tell us is that behind every successful love story, buckets of tears were shed, thousands of angry words were exchanged, disastrous fights had occurred, and maybe even, partners were not faithful. Fairy-tales never warned us of the evil third party that may transcend each relationship, or the meddlesome family that just has to get in the way of two people in love. Fairy-tales also didnt tell us of how distance can stretch even the deepest love nor did it give warning of the potential hurt and grief one will likely go through as a result of falling in and out of love.

Often, I wonder if fairy-tales were created only to let us all fall into a made-up fantasy.. a temporary escape for us to run free and imagine that true love does exist, or does it really does exist???

I used to believe that true love exists. The kind where two people will sacrifice anything for each other just for the other to be happy. I really thought it was possible and i even thought that i had living proof, us. But i must have been too naive, because i am wrong. Even when one party refuses to give more than he ought to, it doesnt matter how hard the other party tries, the relationship will never NEVER work. Because i have been on both sides, and i know how a relationship can so easily fall apart.

It is sad that after almost four years of us working so hard to make this work, and that in the past recent months, i really did make an effort to make myself better, and yet, everything is in vain. But then again, at least i can seek comfort in the fact that i did give my best for us, and for you. And perhaps, it was just you who changed and could not learn to appreciate the one person who has faithfully been by your side after all these years. You made that choice, not only because of what you said tonight, but also from your actions in this past one month. You and I are on our own now.

Successful Mochi!!!

Today, I tried my hands at mochi. Always one of my favourite desserts but not always getting a chance to eat it due to it's price, I was curious to know what went behind this cute little dessert that made it so pricey.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that mochi is very simple to make, almost as much as it is a delight eating!

Red Bean Mochi Recipe

Red Bean paste:

400g red beans

Water

1 cup sugar

A little oil

For the paste, just boil the beans and water together until it becomes a paste. This usually takes about 45 minutes to 1hour 15 minutes. When it is almost done, add in the sugar and oil. The sugar and oil is actually to make the paste for runny and smooth-looking.

When it is done, leave it to cool and start on the mochi skin.

I got much help and guidance from Apple Pie, Patis, & Pate which gave much explanation on how to make red bean paste from scratch.

Mochi skin:

1 cup glutinous rice flour

1 cup warm water

1/4 cup sugar

I noticed that most of the recipes i looked through required a similar ratio. While not all asked for 1 cup of flour specifically, there was uniformity in the ration. 4:4:1 for flour, water and sugar. It is the perfect ratio and you can make an unlimited amount of mochi with this!

Mix all these three ingredients together. It will be of a runny consistency. Dont start worrying. That is how it is supposed to be.

Microwave for 3 minutes, take it and and mix it. Then, microwave it for another 4 minutes. After this, the consistency should be just perfect for mochi-making!

Flour the surface of your top and start forming mochi balls by putting the filling into the balls.

Chill for a few hours and they are ready to eat! I already ate mine. They were oh-so-good. Aint blowing my own trumpet but.. I could have mistaken them for store bought mochis from Japan!!!

Wet N' Wild Camp, Gopeng

I just got back from staying three days and two nights in the jungles of Gopeng, Perak!

Before I go on about the details of the camp, let me just say... the camp was awesome. Although it may have been a teeny-weeny rough for my liking, but then again, what is a camp if we have zero-free risk of leeches climbing at your legs, getting a few cuts here and there, and (huh!) loosing my glasses (though i must say this happened more out of carelessness than anything else. In the end, my glasses were found by the resthouse manager.)

I will include the pictures once they are uploaded by other people.

Day 1:

Departed from Sunway University College in the morning. The camp is organised by a bunch of students, doing their Diplomas in Event Management as their assignement. By the time we arrived in Gopeng town, it was noon. Got off the bus and boarded a lorry!!! haha, it might seem a little disbelievable but it was very fun! With the wind blowing strongly at my hair, avoiding the tree branches that come our way... it was really a priceless experience we dont normally get everyday. We stayed in Adeline's Resthouse. I shared a room with my old classmate, Carmen in a rumah panjang.

That very day itself, we went caving at Gua Kandu. The guide told us that it is the eight biggest cave in Malaysia. I enjoyed my time climbing the inside of the cave, the air was cool and it was amazing to just grapple your way on your hands through an almost pitch black cave. I dont know the guy who lent his torch to Carmen and me, and i didnt get the chance to thank him, but yea... it was very kind of him. Couldnt have gone through the caving activity without it. Some parts of the rocks tht we climbed were at a 90degree slope, while other parts were plain rocky. There were bats in the cave and the noises they made sounded like they were giggling at us. Haha, the bats must have found it amusing to see us humans walking through the dark cave, half-tired, half-lost.

Rode the lorry back to Adeline's Resthouse.

Day 2:

The second day is supposed to be the highlight of the camp. We had white-water rafting in the morning, jungle trekking and river-crossing in the afternoon, and a superb dinner at the villa.

The white-water rafting experience at the Kampar River certainly met up with my expectation. Initially, i had qualms about my safety but when i realised that each boat would be allocated one guide, my uneasiness eased. I shared the boat with four other guys - Kelvin, Wai, Eddy, and Bravo. It was a thrilling experience to go through because at one part of the river or another, the current was so strong i almost felt like i was gonna be thrown out of the boat! There was a person that fell out of the boat.. but, it wasnt me! The guide managed to rescue him, while all of us were still drifting along with the currents. But actually, this is pretty common when you white-water raft. The dangerous part was when Bravo accidentally hit his shoulder against a boulder. His entire arm was numb after that and i could see he was trying to hide his pain as he lay in the middle of the boat. But despite these two casualties, i found that i enjoyed this activity and i think i will attempt this again in future!

I lost my glasses because i placed it at the starting point before white-water rafting. And when i came back for it, they were gone.

Because of my loss, i decided it was better that i didnt go jungle-trekking half blind. Besides, it was raining and there was thunder. Some people were stung by wasps and others, in fact most got bitten by leeches. Kind of relieved i decided to miss this part of the camp.

Dinner was at the villa. Lamb, sate, prawns, squid cuttlet, sausages, bbq chicken, you name it! I also got the chance to drink bamboo soup! The dinner was a simple fair but i liked the variety and uniqeness of the meals.

Had a campfire later that night. I was part of the process of building the fire!!!

Day 3:

This was the final day of the camp. We went to the waterfalls. The site was breathtakingly beautiful and very very cooling. Many of them went to play with the water by standing at the foot of the waterfall and letting the water hit them from the top. I didnt, coz i felt that the water was too cold for my liking. It was a risk i took and i guess some people might think i am not being adventurous, but it is up to me to weigh the risks for myself. I did dip my feet in the cold refreshing water though... :)

I am glad i went for this camp. It provided me with the opportunity for me to do things i dont normally do. Also got the chance to see a whole different lot of people i dont normally see in the campus of Universiti Malaya!

Refreshing Ais-Kacang

Went out for an ais-kacang break at Old Town with my mother this evening. This is the best ais-kacang i have ever tasted.. I always come here for my ais-kacang fix everytime i feel like having it.

This is my mother. She rocks!

Delicious ais-kacang... It might not look very appealing but the taste is contrary to it's plain look. Under all that santan and gula melaka flavoured ice is a treasure of red beans, jelly, nuts, cendol, etc. It really has a cooling effect, well at least for an hour or so. Apparently the temperature here has hit up to 37C!

MLS on Friday. I know the questions will be weird and crazy judging from the past-years.

Must be mentally prepared.

Must be mentally prepared.

Must be mentally prepared.

(Trying to get myself into that state of mind)

haha, not so easy, what with the weather.

registered for something and see how it goes, just for the sake of trying. dun wanna look back 10 years from now and regretting that i never gave myself a try. *winks* *half-hidden smile*

btw, address for the ais-kacang stall: (super easy to find... but then again you can always ask me)

Gerai Minum Weng Kee,

Medan Selera,

Old Town PJ.

Snowflakes with Family

For the first time, i went to Snowflakes with my family last night. Strangely, the crowd was extra big. But the desserts made it all worth it in the end.. As usual, i ordered this for myself and my bro. It's my current favourite, because of the hot weather. Taroballs Series with sweet potato, pearls, and barley.

The picture below is what i ordered for my mother. She was very happy with hers cause i ordered everything that she liked without her even stating what she wanted. teehee. I AM her daughter after all.. Grass jelly series with red bean, peanuts, and pearls.

Along with this entry, i would also like to dedicate, a be-earlied Happy Mother's Day to my mother. She might not be the typical mother who cooks and cleans the house but her role in my life is just as important, if not more.

She is always there for me when i need her (although i try not to rely on her too much), always there to make sure i have everything i need to be happy, and everything she does, she always has her family in her heart. I love the times i have with her, regardless whether it is squabbling over who gets to be in charge of the kitchen, grocery-shopping, designing clothes out of old rags, or during those solemn times when i cry incessantly on her shoulders. I might not have many besties in my life, but i am thankful that at least, i have a mother who is capable of understanding me like one.

Happy Mother's Day, mummy! (You wouldnt be reading this post, but from the things that you say, i sometimes wonder if you actually do read it sneakily...) You are the best!

On another note, besides being thankful for having a great mother, i wanna be thankful for all the other good things that has come into my life. Nothing in life is permanent, it's just how we make the best of it.

Today, i was craving for noodles with soup in the morning and when i went down to the kitchen, hah, i found that someone had bought noodles (homemade noodles!!!!!) with wanton and soup for my grandma. I had it for lunch. It's amazing how kind life can be to you, even at your down-est. Maybe, just maybe, i wanna believe that God is trying to cheer me up and remind me that there is still a lot of goodness in this world.

Nice song, meaning strucks a cord with my heart.

Cornflake cookies

five down, two more to go! Yippee... and then, i will be off to camp for three days and two nights.

Family was okay, it's the matter of what i grade i get in the end. Hope i wont do too badly this sem for all my subjects. Particularly worried with Tort.

Planning to bake something with cornflakes today. Was thinking of cornflake muffins but just realised i still have some chocolate sauce from the doughnuts (oh no, i mentioned doughnuts three entries in a row! *gasp*). So, maybe i will make some typical chocolate cornflake cookies to celebrate one paper gone today. :)

[updated]

Baked the cornflake cookies alrd. First time attempt.

It was quite simple. Get 1 stick of butter, 2 tablespoons of honey, microwave it for 2 minutes. Once that is done, mix it with 3 cups of cornflakes.

Scoop it in mini-cups and bake for 10 minutes at 175C.

Very easy to make. Aint it?