I have so many things to say to you. Just like everything else, my feelings for you since the last day I saw you has shifted – first from the desperation of knowing I will not see you for a long time, then the hurt to watch you drive away, the pain and grief in realizing that I have devoted so much for a person who can barely even consider me as a friend, the betrayal when I see the picture of how you spent your last night in PJ before coming to the realization that I have hurt too much for too long. It isn’t the kind of perpetual hurt where you wake up each morning of your day with a sore in your heart, but rather, the kind of pain you get from climbing too high up with the hope to reach the sky. But we forget that no matter how high we climb, we can never reach the sky. And even the slightest mistake can make you fall hard and painful on the ground.

And then, the message I didn’t expect came. It was from a boy who I once knew, loved and hurt. The message did not contain anything new but it was nevertheless comforting to read. An honest confession of his circumstances, an apology, a promise, and the words I ever longed to hear, that he loves me. But just as it was comforting, I could not understand the reasons for what he admitted in his message. Coupled with the hurt, resentment and grief I had just experienced the day before, the message just left me entirely confused.

If you love someone, you will wish them the best of the world. But wishing is not enough. I wanted to be the one by his side when he wakes up from his dream filled with darkness and mystery. I did not want to let go of what we had shared for so many years especially knowing that he had not given up on me when I was at one of my worst. I wanted and still wish I could be the one that proves to him that there is still goodness in this world, to let him learn again to express himself. To share his smile and laughter like we once did before.

There are days when I think you are a jerk. I would tell myself that people change.. and the boy I once fell in love with is no more the same person. On better days, when we talk, I know that he still exists; still alive within that shell I no longer recognize. But I cannot; I cannot always forgive the jerk in you for the good things the person I love did. They are not the same people and they never will be! 

And finally, after so many months, I realize that I cannot be the one that wakes you up. Because by waiting like this, I am not only hurting myself; I am also hurting us. You need to realize the problem yourself and stir from it. I know, walking away at this point may very well be stupid and in a way, disloyal. But I never wanted to do this, not even as I write this out. I have faith in you and always will. But your actions hurt me very badly. I know there is a possibility that you may wake up one day, without me. And maybe then, you will learn to love again with someone else. I wish the latter doesnt happen but there is a high chance that is how things will turn out. But there really isnt any other choice. I have done everything I could and the only thing I got was a broken heart.