A Memo For You

It's not that I dont miss you but rather, it's the fear of how much I am capable of missing you that holds me back from thinking of you altogether. Been busy with my revision for my exams so if I am going to make this the last post of 2012, might as well make it an honest and genuine one.

I no longer count the days of how long since we have talked but I guess it must have been pretty long (for our standards) since the last time we talked briefly was more than one month ago. It's funny how you can still think of a person so persistently when you have no contact with a person at all. Perhaps it is the past memories playing its mischief, maybe it is the hope that one day fate still hopes something for us, maybe it is just the chemistry we had and how well we played it, that is keeping my memory of us alive. But even so, the days together are fast fading. But like I said before, even if they do fade, they will fade with the quality of how antiques are highly-prized. Like how a soiled letter from years ago will always be treasured despite its form.

Sometimes on days when I sit back and actually think about you, I wonder how your life has been, whether you are happy, sometimes contemplating the what-ifs. That day I saw the sports headline stating that Chelsea  no longer wants Lampard and I instinctively thought of you. Sometimes I would wonder if you are moving along with your life, and if you are going through the same motions of life as I am.

I have been doing good. Sometimes when I reflect on myself, I realise that I am more of the person I used to be before we were together. More carefree, playful and forgiving. It's not that I blame you for anything but I guess everyone has an effect on the people around them. For me, you were like my rock that I could lean on in times of trouble. Hence, my incredible dependence on you, and subsequently the possessiveness and obsessiveness. You always gave in to me and resorted to many things just to please my whims and fancies. These days, I laugh at the same mistakes you used to do, done by other people, instead of throwing a fit. Sometimes I amuse myself with thinking you annoy me better than they do. And sometimes, just sometimes I wonder if things would have been any different if I had learnt FASTER and EARLIER.

These days I divert myself with the many things in my life. Friends, activities, trips, examinations. I wonder if you are occupied just the same. Most likely. I feel that maybe this time it might be different. That maybe you are really gone for good. But what else can I do but to let you go when I have already clung so tightly for so long?

Bygones shall remain bygones. I know there is nothing we can do about the past because it has already been set in stone. There is also little we can do about the present and the future except relish it.

***

Having said that, I am grateful for every friend that has stepped into my life. Each one giving me a different definition of the word "friends".

For 2013

There are several things I want to talk about really and perhaps the best would be to separate each post by topic. But sometimes some things are better off not delved into so deeply because it only digs up old skeletons from the closet.

It's one week short to the end of 2012. Did I achieve what I aimed to achieve one year ago? Well, my resolutions were pretty simple for this year - click here. And looking back, I believed I did achieve all three. They were simple but achievable resolutions to make and looking back, it reminds me of where I was one year ago.

These are my resolutions for the year 2013: (Achievable much?)

1. Love my body AND make it a habit! This includes taking good care of my skin, eating wisely and moisturising regularly.
2.  Be a friendlier person. Be more approachable and generous with my smiles.
3.  Read 10 of the most influential books of all time - to strike something off my bucket list!

I hope I can achieve these three. It might seem simple but it requires a lot of determination to achieve.

Have been slacking a lot in my revision. Gotta keep reminding myself that exams are in early January! boo.. 

Sautes Etc.

Any idea what the title is about? That's 'jump' in case you are wondering. I took ballet as an external elective this semester hoping to broaden my appreciation of the arts and boy, it did not disappoint. Would like to think that my ability to dance to the rhythm of the music has improved along with my (in)flexibility to dance. I came in with zero expectations but finished the course with 99.99% satisfaction. I will never be the greatest dancer in the wirld, neither can i claim to be a very talented one. But taking up ballet as an elective has definitely opened up my eyes and ears to the beauty of dance in general, and the technicalities of ballet, to be specific. Being slow at learning did not deter my enthusiasm to attend class, in fact it spurred me to push on. When my days were bogged down with assignments, stress, sucky progress, ballet allowed me to escape my bad days for a bit. The music is really soothing and moving in line with it makes the soul move in tandem with its wavelength.

Today was my last day of ballet class as well as my final test for ballet. Of course i hope i score an A for this subject but even if i dont, i have no regrets taking this elective.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

So there's all the buzz about 21 December 2012 being the end of the world. To be frank, I really dont see how the world will end on that day. But then again, you can never really expect the world to have a written down expiry date. I reckon if the world really had to end, it would just disappear just as simply as it had appeared with a big bang. So if you think of it that way, there is a slight possibility that the world might end. Of course, the people that calculated 21 December as D-day could very well have miscalculated and surprise surprise, it's 22 December and not 21. Oopsies.

Well, I dont wanna seem like the ignorant little freak that doesnt care a damn that the world is ending. I dont believe it will end just yet, simply because there is still some goodness in this world. The world will end when this world really has no hope or glimmer of humanity to it, in my honest opinion. Till then, we survive. Going back to the-world-is-coming-to-an-end-topic, my first guess is that 22 December will come just like any other day. Maybe you will get some extra smiles or laughters on that day from people grateful to be alive (or perhaps a few groans from those who want to avoid the impending examinations!). But let's just say the world will end this 21 December, have you really done everything you wanted in life?

For me, I probably cannot say that I did. You can check my Bucket List to see how unaccomplished I am, but that is a different story. But am I happy? How would I want to spend my last day really? I would like to think that most people would want to spend it with the ones they love. Because that is the case for me. But if you reflect back on it, yes, writing letters, sending messages of how much a person means to you just because the world is going to end is kind of.. *speechless* really. For a minute, I did contemplate sending out messages to everyone who means a lot to me on that day, but then I realised that I wouldnt really do it for my family. And my mom is really the most important person in my life. So what does sending messages to tell people how much they mean really mean?

Yes, for me, I will appreciate your thought if I ever receive a message from any of my friends. Simply because I know how serious some people view 21 December to be. But messaging isnt my style. People who I care for should know how much they mean to me ("constructive notice") and likewise, if you do care for me, I will know through your actions and how long you have been sticking around. thank you in advance. I shall remember glimpses of your faces and random pieces of memories as I watch the world crumble to its end. I will keep you in my memory while my soul gradually separates from my body. For the other silent carers of the world, you may remain silent. Dont have to wait till the end of the world to say goodbye.

Just hope that all goes well this 21 December. People might just go crazy and start shooting themselves in anticipation of the end of the world, which is so not worth it if the end of the world is still eons away. So in the next few days, keep your chill, treasure the people around you like you always have, and savour each moment of life at your own pace.

For all you people who come visit my blog to read regularly, thank you. You guys are the best silent readers! 

SEP Hunan

The three weeks of student exchange has ended and they returned yesterday morning. I dont normally get attached to my feelings in such a short span of time but the people I met this time round were very genuine people. Friendly, funny, thoughtful, and meaningful people. I feel so fortunate for having the opportunity to know them. Took them around KL, PJ and Melaka in the past few weeks and the memories from those days will always remain. Such a pity that I didnt bother to snap pictures with them, mostly because iphone4 isnt that great a camera or maybe i am such a lousy photographer. These pictures were taken by ZJ's iphone4, ironically. 

This is ZJ. He's a quiet guy but when given the opportunity, he can make a good conversationist. He has a way of putting the most difficult chinese terms into simple english, which I really appreciate. In a way, i like his company simply because our wavelength is quite similar despite the fact that there is the language barrier. There was once when I wanted to ask him a question but was trying to phrase it in chinese and he replied me before i could even ask the question!

Picture below is ZJ and YF. I really admire YF for her quiet confidence. I believe she has seen a lot of the world and has even gone backpacking on her own to places like Nepal and Tibet. One day, I hope I can be like her. Calm, confident and likable.

XF is an intelligent guy which speaks really good english. I love hearing him speak english because it is just like how the British/Americans speak! I can tell he is a bookworm simply because of how he is always so fond of books. Wont forget the last night when we went to Kajang for satay and he was singing random songs in my car.

Of course there are others too, like HF, WD, LN, and BY. But because I didnt snap that many pictures, i dont have much to show. Nevertheless, all of them are special to me.

Three weeks, gone just like that. Missing you guys already. I hope I can visit y'll in Changsha next year..

Now, time to speedy hit my books.  

多几天你们就回了。在过去几周都很难忘的，也很甜蜜的。和你们在一起常常都是有快乐的日子。希望以后我们都会再见面的。。

Been so busy it's crazy. Academic concerns are the least of my concerns and exams are in one months time. So many things to do, so many things I wish to do. Prioritising is easier said than done because no matter how important something is, sometimes your heart rules over your head. The Hunan students have been incredible. Had lots of fun with them. Kinda regret not bringing a camera whenever i went out with them. I know these are times I will treasure months or years from now. Will update real soon, when I have sorted out my things better. :)