belated birthday

Had my second last paper yesterday. It was not a nightmare as I had expected, so I am more than glad I could simply answer the questions. Just a little regretful that there was not enough time to finish writing everything I wanted.

After the paper, CC came to pick me up to bring me to some place to make it up for not doing anything special on my birthday. This was after a day of asking me whether I wanted "High" or "Eight" and "Water" or "Earth". I picked High and Water.

The first thing I saw when I entered his car was two cream roll buns. Such an adorable guy. He said he was worried I will get gastric since it was a one hour journey to the place he was taking me, so he wanted us to have something to eat beforehand. Even more touching, he got the jagung bun because I told him that is my favourite.

I suspected we were heading to Ampang Lookout Point because the road he took reminded me of the last time I went to Ampang. The road up was dark and windy, and the petrol light started blinking when we started going up the hill.

Troll: So I guess you know where we are going? *we just passed a sign board and the road looked like Ampang Lookout Point*
Me: Ampang Lookout Point right? Did you know it closed about 2 years ago?
Troll: Huh? What?
Me: I told you that before leaving the house because I had a feeling you would take me there.
Troll: *scrambles for phone and passes it to me* Confirm whether it is really closed.

It was.

My heart sank. Guess there will be no dinner for me tonight, I thought. Luckily he got me the bun, I consoled myself.

Suddenly, he swerved into a small road on the right. Hah! He had something up his sleeves...

It was a little late when we finally reached the Veg Fish Farm Thai Restaurant near Ampang Lookout Point but it was worth it!

The food was nice, weather was cooling and the atmosphere was relaxing. The restaurant was kind of built on top of a lake with fishes swimming in it. What was more touching was the little things he did that night, like how he had gotten the bun before we went, calling up the place to check whether it is open on a Thursday night, yea I will even give him credit for pulling off such a flawless prank on me.

I wont forget this night.

coming back to me

When things happen once, it could be a mistake. But when it happens twice, it's a choice.

Sitting in the passenger seat yesterday, the same feelings overwhelmed me as before - anger, frustration, disappointment. I just wanted to run as far away from you, wanted to be alone, just to sob incessantly on my bed and be the spoilt brat that I am. 

If anyone ever asks me whether you are a good boyfriend, my answer would always be the same - yes. 

You are a good boyfriend because you are essentially a good person, and you are good to me. If anyone could be a perfect human being, that person would be you. 

Yet, how can a perfect human being be wrong? 

Sometimes I blame myself for expecting too much, for being too demanding, for being too controlling. But is it wrong to expect a certain standard of things after being together for a while?

Ignoring the unhappiness would be like ignoring the elephant in the room. Something I can not and would not do. The only thing I ever resolved to do is to deal with my dissatisfaction respectfully. To bring the elephant out of the room in the safest way. 

Maybe you never knew the old me, the me that crushed my old relationship up. 

But EVERY single time we argue, I am reminded of my past mistakes. I think of how I pushed him away, how I threw tantrums and broke his heart; I would plead to myself that I never have to make the same mistakes again. I beg to myself that I never have to destroy a person's soul and break any a beautiful thing I have. 

I thought I learnt enough through my last break-up. I thought I would know how to make my second relationship right, but I was wrong. I must have got the basics right, because the past 1 year and 3 months have been nothing less than beautiful. But beyond the basics, where the strength and wisdom required becomes deeper, I feel a little lost, I feel a little scared. I need you to be patient with me, but I hope I never have to break your heart in the process. 

  

exams nearing

It has been an extremely stressful few weeks for me. With my FINAL finals coming in a week time, I felt like I had to really get my game on and prepare as much as possible for my exams. My greatest fear every exam is that I cant finish covering everything I need to study (trust me, I literally have nightmares over it). So now with just a week away, reality has kinda sank in and I am more in exam mode, I dont feel like there's a need for flight or fight.

I just want to be grateful for the boyfriend that constantly hangs around with me, despite being potentially bored to death in my room. He gets at my nerves sometimes because I have 101 things to do when he can do his own leisure things. But I guess it is more important that he is so accepting, forgiving and supportive of me. I really wouldnt have it any other way.

But I cant say that I will make it up to him after the exams. Because after exams, more things are just waiting to happen. The things-to-do list never ends. So each time I realise that, I can only remind myself to love him better in the now.


P.S. Cant believe it's the last exam of my undergraduate life. Fingers crossed all goes well.