When things happen once, it could be a mistake. But when it happens twice, it's a choice.
Sitting in the passenger seat yesterday, the same feelings overwhelmed me as before - anger, frustration, disappointment. I just wanted to run as far away from you, wanted to be alone, just to sob incessantly on my bed and be the spoilt brat that I am.
If anyone ever asks me whether you are a good boyfriend, my answer would always be the same - yes.
You are a good boyfriend because you are essentially a good person, and you are good to me. If anyone could be a perfect human being, that person would be you.
Yet, how can a perfect human being be wrong?
Sometimes I blame myself for expecting too much, for being too demanding, for being too controlling. But is it wrong to expect a certain standard of things after being together for a while?
Ignoring the unhappiness would be like ignoring the elephant in the room. Something I can not and would not do. The only thing I ever resolved to do is to deal with my dissatisfaction respectfully. To bring the elephant out of the room in the safest way.
Maybe you never knew the old me, the me that crushed my old relationship up.
But EVERY single time we argue, I am reminded of my past mistakes. I think of how I pushed him away, how I threw tantrums and broke his heart; I would plead to myself that I never have to make the same mistakes again. I beg to myself that I never have to destroy a person's soul and break any a beautiful thing I have.
I thought I learnt enough through my last break-up. I thought I would know how to make my second relationship right, but I was wrong. I must have got the basics right, because the past 1 year and 3 months have been nothing less than beautiful. But beyond the basics, where the strength and wisdom required becomes deeper, I feel a little lost, I feel a little scared. I need you to be patient with me, but I hope I never have to break your heart in the process.
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