L for Law

I feel really tired these few days. Lack of sleep. Constant deprivation of rest. This period of 1pm till 6pm today itself is a sacrifice on my part so i can get a little rest. Sorry Jo Rene.. I wonder how you went to Sunway??

I like this life. Perhaps it is quite suitable for me, minus the part where i dun get my eight hours of sleep and lack of study time. At least, i wouldn't have much time to delve in unhappy stuff and be emo.

Tonight i shall be attending the majlis berbuka puasa at UM. No, not to eat and break-fast. I have an article to write. Buy the Vox magazine next year and read it, okay? Hehe. I am still pondering how i am going to approach this article. Write it plain and outright? Or shall i write it however i want? I would feel a little shy to let my editor read it and if she thinks it is a lousy piece of work.

Nxt week, three test coming up:

1. Wednesday: Legal methods test

Tort test
2. Thursday: Islamic Law test

Issh. I have barely started. And when i say barely, it is really barely. Test me right now and i will get a zero, barely.

What Is A Chess Cake?

Does a black-and-white cake pop into mind?

Chess cake has always been somewhere at the back of my mind but of late, i started to wonder what a chess cake is really about.

Does this look like a chess cake to you??? >>>>>

(this is from mactwins.blogspot.com btw)

Well according to the blogger, this is exactly what a chess cake is. Should i try baking it one day?

Crust:
1 package yellow cake mix
1 eggs
1/2 cup butter, melted

Filling:
1 8oz package cream cheese, softened
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
4 cups powdered sugar

1. Preheat oven to 325. Grease 9x13 pan.

2. Mix together cake mix, 2 eggs and 1/2 cup melted butter.

3. Pat the crust down into pan.

4. In another bowl beat cream cheese until smooth. Add butter, eggs and vanilla. Beat well. Blend in powdered sugar.

5. Pour over crust mixture. Bake 30-35 minutes. Refrigerate.

From the recipe, it seems more like a simplified version of a cheesecake to me..

3 Years of Love, Tears, Laughter and Pain

When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Haha.. something random.

I used to have a list of my ideal guy when i was small. The list consisted of qualities like:

1. Tall

2. Intelligent

3. Responsible

4. Hardworking

Over the years, i fell for many guys. Some that fulfilled those criteria partially, some not at all. A few had all but come to think about it.. those criteria doesnt really matter when you are looking for the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Even if a guy is tall, intelligent, responsible, and hardworking, it doesnt exclude him from being a shallow guy or a two-timer. True, the perfect family guy, (which i so want badly) needs to be hardworking and responsible, besides being intelligent enough to support a family.. but really, it shouldnt be the emphasis.

I know a guy.. he wasnt my 'type' when i first saw him. He was short and fat, he looked like a balloon, and i almost thought he was stalking me when he started calling me almost once a week at night, 10pm. That was five years ago?

Nevertheless, i enjoyed talking to him. He knew a lot of stuff that was happening in school and he would share them with me. Occasionally, i would tell him things that were bothering me and when i had a crush, he was one of the first few i would run to for advice. Likewise, he confided in me as he was crushing on another girl as well. This stalker turned out to be a great friend. Over the next stretch of years, we became closer. Especially when we were put in the same class in form 4.

I was still heartbroken from my break-up that happened the previous year and yea, this friend was one of the ones i often turned to when in need of support and a listening ear. I remember feeling embarrassed i had to ask his opinion on the card i made for my ex. But he was really supportive and a great listener. As he was having a hard time with his personal life as well, i knew that i had to be there for him.

This gradual symbiosis gradually changed from friendship to something a little more complex. The stalker was now my best friend. And he was no longer the fat round balloon. He was quite a tall and good-looking guy with quite a lot of brains (at least enough to be my Chemistry and Add maths tutor!) Most importantly, he genuinely cared for me and helped me overcome my personal fears.

I guess we both knew we liked each other but somehow, i was afraid. Afraid for many things. I hurt his feelings and he forgave me. Time after time. He never gave up on me.

So i dedicate this post to you. As my boyfriend, sweetheart, lover, and best friend. You love me for who i am and see the beauty in me that sometimes, i myself cannot see.

I can have vege stuch in between my braces and still smile broadly at you.

I can be my silliest without being afraid you will think i am silly.

You know the very best and the very worst of me. That's why you are special to me.

HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY! (It's on the 22th but if i want to make this a surprise, just as well do it early..)

Let this anniversary be a reminder of how far and how much we have already gone through and serve as a motivation that we can live through tens of this anniversaries in the future. XOXO.

Miserable

I wonder why i feel so down.

Today, i met two senior buddies that have already graduated from UM. One of them treated the seven of us to lunch. And then we had ice-cream at Seed Cafe. I had delicious 'homemade' durian ice-cream. Spent a total of about four hours at Midvalley listening and exchanging stories, more of the former.

Went home and entered pensive mood.

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, nothing will ever be good enough? Today was a day i fought the inner demons within me, mocking and sniding remarks at me. Have you ever felt that no matter what you try to do to make yourself look better, there will always be someone sitting next to you that gets all the recognition that you wish for. Have you ever felt that no matter how much effort you put in a relationship, it still seems like the relationship is falling out of shape, just like trying to mold a shape ot of a plastic bag full of water. Have you ever felt that it doesnt really matter how hard you try to live your life, there will always be someone bringing you down. So many, "have you ever"s.. but i guess i will never know if any one has truly felt what i feel now. Frustration, dissatisfaction, stress, unhappiness, etc.

There will always be someone who looks prettier, sweeter, more elegant and beautiful, cuter, perkier than you can ever be. Why resist the fact???!! Why even bother trying in the first place when you know, you can never even be as good as them, what is there to say better. How would you feel if you think you are good enough only to step into the real world and realise you are nothing but a mere fry. It sucks, doesn't is?

Just try being me and you will know the taste of this bitter, bitter medicine. No one is at fault for my misery but myself. Once upon a time, i used to blame it on my mom but you know, it's no body's fault but my own. My fault for generating such karma to have this life. My attitude for attracting the miseries in my life. My face for denying the acceptance i so long to receive. So yea, nobody is at fault except me.

I feel helpless. What's the use of confiding in people. You only reveal your low self-esteemed self to them. They can't help you. Self-esteem and confidence comes from yourself. They might sympathise with you a little but those are the limits. The rest needs to come from yourself.

I feel tired too. I feel exhausted with this up-and-down goose chase of a relationship. Nobody said it would be easy, but nobody ever said it would be this hard. I can't give up, but i can't hold on. Either way feels so wrong. What is a relationship truly about, huh? Is it about being there for each other when you need each other? Is it about sweet romance and how the prince sweeps the princess off her feet and rescues her from this horrible shit world? I wish i could have the answers to every single question that comes into my head. But unfortunately i dont.

I really did try. I always put my 100% in everything i do. but of late, i feel that nothing in life deserves 100%. People that give in half the amount of commitment i put still can get away with the same thing. So where is the line?

It frustrates me to think, you have so many restrictions. You cant do this, you cant do that. But why can you go out tonight? You said you would message because you were in the car with ur family but you took half and hour to type that message. Which part was more difficult? Having to type a msg in a car? or having to type wht you had to write?

One more thing people, please dont ever talk or ask me anything to do with my relationship status anymore. I am tired of explaining whether i am single or in a relationship.

Re-alive

You know, it's a little strange to think how life is turning out.

When you least expect things to happen, they actually happen.

Yesterday was filled with replacement classes but ended on a high note with a Zokhrism gang outing. Love all of you guys.. each of us are different and yet we can still hang out and have a great time together. That's the beauty of friendship, you know?

Today, I will be meeting my senior senior buddies that i have never met before at Midvalley. Looking forward to see who they are and what they are now doing.. =)

Also looking forward to Sunday's lunch. I will get to see all my ex-schoolmates. I know there will be loads to catch up on and it's great Li Shawn and Wei Kuang are taking the initiative to keep the 5s2 spirit alive. LOLz.

It is strange how i am loving my life right now. Freedom to do what i want, how i spend my money, less emphasis on studies..etc. Somehow, i managed to let loose of my studies, just a teensy weensy bit. Of course, there is still much of kiasu-ism in me somewhere.. but i let it slide.. hehe..

I can finally see the silver lining behind every cloud now. And that is exactly what makes life more worthwhile.

The Wind of Change

After our one month break apart, I feel different with you. I feel like i have just known you, and yet still know everything about you. I respect you and understand your shortcomings. I dont expect much, so everything that you do actually seems much better than before.

Maybe I am a little different now.. strange but true, orientation and entering university has changed me in a way. I drive to class, so i understand the hassle of jams, the lethargy of going through a day of class (although i dont actually need a nap), and i now know how it feels like to be on the road. I view guys differently too. I used to think that all guys are loyal, good guys like you and my other secondary school guy friends. But the truth is, there will never ever be a perfect guy in this world.

I am back in this relationship because i want to make it work. But i dont ever want it to go back to the way it was before. Fights and quarrels on a daily basis. Tears. Possessiveness. No, that cannot happen.

I want this relationship to be renewed, with mutual respect, kindness and understanding. Somehow, i feel that this time, maybe, just maybe, it is possible. But i would need you to work it out with me. I know you would. Love me, but not to the extent of spoiling me (like you used to). Care for me, but not if i take it for granted. Yea.. a relationship cant survive just on love. It takes much more than that. A sound relationship needs everything else besides love.

Really Worried

Everyone around me seems to be working hard. It seems like i am the only one slacking. What happened to the secondary school me that could do everything??? Lecturers expect us to be independent. I have so many questions but they are all left unanswered. Limited resources. No one to refer to. I admire Eugene for his ability to tackle the question marks in his head. I used to be like that. What happened? Today, the thought of me failing appeared in my head. Terrible thought, if you ask me. I dont want that to happen. Really need to buck up!

Day 3 and Other Stuff

I didnt want MLC to end!

It has been an incredible three days.. what with the lovely food served, well-planned talks and most importantly, the company i had. So glad i had friends like Chiao Ying, Jo Rene, Jing Kuang, and Wei Jiet that went along.. I still think it's amusing how we ended up at Santini on Friday night instead of taking the LRT home simply because we wanted to go to toilet first.

Oh and i bought a pair of killer heels from Vincci yesterday too. I really cant wait to have an occasion for me to wear them!

"Salt" was a movie that made me hold my breath throughout the movie, what with all the twist and turns in the plot. Angelina Jolie was gorgeous as usual and the story line was really quite fresh, to me. I hated the part where the Russian spies shot Salt's husband in front of her though. I thought that was plain cruel, especially when they knew she was not allowed to retaliate. I shall stop right here as to prevent from spoiling the show for anyone who has yet to watch.

It would be back to classes and lectures tomorrow. MLC has spurred my interest on the topics of politics and law. Hopefully my enthusiasm will last. Now how to i get myself off Facebook and start hitting the books???

On a darker note, a guy from one of the colleges died. It was shocking to hear about it and i feel very sad to hear about it. Although i do not know the guy, the fact that he was the same age as me and was within the same campus as me for a few weeks makes me feel ... erm.. close? I mean, he fell to his death while trying to retrieve his handphone. It is such a common thing.. yes, it was a little irrational of him to cross the balcony but maybe he was in desperate need of contacting someone or he was expecting a call? I wonder if he was waiting for a call from a friend or maybe he wanted to chat with his family or someone.. Imagine falling to your death with the desire of talking to your loved ones on your mind. His death was tragic. Fullstop.