belated birthday

Had my second last paper yesterday. It was not a nightmare as I had expected, so I am more than glad I could simply answer the questions. Just a little regretful that there was not enough time to finish writing everything I wanted.

After the paper, CC came to pick me up to bring me to some place to make it up for not doing anything special on my birthday. This was after a day of asking me whether I wanted "High" or "Eight" and "Water" or "Earth". I picked High and Water.

The first thing I saw when I entered his car was two cream roll buns. Such an adorable guy. He said he was worried I will get gastric since it was a one hour journey to the place he was taking me, so he wanted us to have something to eat beforehand. Even more touching, he got the jagung bun because I told him that is my favourite.

I suspected we were heading to Ampang Lookout Point because the road he took reminded me of the last time I went to Ampang. The road up was dark and windy, and the petrol light started blinking when we started going up the hill.

Troll: So I guess you know where we are going? *we just passed a sign board and the road looked like Ampang Lookout Point*
Me: Ampang Lookout Point right? Did you know it closed about 2 years ago?
Troll: Huh? What?
Me: I told you that before leaving the house because I had a feeling you would take me there.
Troll: *scrambles for phone and passes it to me* Confirm whether it is really closed.

It was.

My heart sank. Guess there will be no dinner for me tonight, I thought. Luckily he got me the bun, I consoled myself.

Suddenly, he swerved into a small road on the right. Hah! He had something up his sleeves...

It was a little late when we finally reached the Veg Fish Farm Thai Restaurant near Ampang Lookout Point but it was worth it!

The food was nice, weather was cooling and the atmosphere was relaxing. The restaurant was kind of built on top of a lake with fishes swimming in it. What was more touching was the little things he did that night, like how he had gotten the bun before we went, calling up the place to check whether it is open on a Thursday night, yea I will even give him credit for pulling off such a flawless prank on me.

I wont forget this night.

coming back to me

When things happen once, it could be a mistake. But when it happens twice, it's a choice.

Sitting in the passenger seat yesterday, the same feelings overwhelmed me as before - anger, frustration, disappointment. I just wanted to run as far away from you, wanted to be alone, just to sob incessantly on my bed and be the spoilt brat that I am. 

If anyone ever asks me whether you are a good boyfriend, my answer would always be the same - yes. 

You are a good boyfriend because you are essentially a good person, and you are good to me. If anyone could be a perfect human being, that person would be you. 

Yet, how can a perfect human being be wrong? 

Sometimes I blame myself for expecting too much, for being too demanding, for being too controlling. But is it wrong to expect a certain standard of things after being together for a while?

Ignoring the unhappiness would be like ignoring the elephant in the room. Something I can not and would not do. The only thing I ever resolved to do is to deal with my dissatisfaction respectfully. To bring the elephant out of the room in the safest way. 

Maybe you never knew the old me, the me that crushed my old relationship up. 

But EVERY single time we argue, I am reminded of my past mistakes. I think of how I pushed him away, how I threw tantrums and broke his heart; I would plead to myself that I never have to make the same mistakes again. I beg to myself that I never have to destroy a person's soul and break any a beautiful thing I have. 

I thought I learnt enough through my last break-up. I thought I would know how to make my second relationship right, but I was wrong. I must have got the basics right, because the past 1 year and 3 months have been nothing less than beautiful. But beyond the basics, where the strength and wisdom required becomes deeper, I feel a little lost, I feel a little scared. I need you to be patient with me, but I hope I never have to break your heart in the process. 

  

exams nearing

It has been an extremely stressful few weeks for me. With my FINAL finals coming in a week time, I felt like I had to really get my game on and prepare as much as possible for my exams. My greatest fear every exam is that I cant finish covering everything I need to study (trust me, I literally have nightmares over it). So now with just a week away, reality has kinda sank in and I am more in exam mode, I dont feel like there's a need for flight or fight.

I just want to be grateful for the boyfriend that constantly hangs around with me, despite being potentially bored to death in my room. He gets at my nerves sometimes because I have 101 things to do when he can do his own leisure things. But I guess it is more important that he is so accepting, forgiving and supportive of me. I really wouldnt have it any other way.

But I cant say that I will make it up to him after the exams. Because after exams, more things are just waiting to happen. The things-to-do list never ends. So each time I realise that, I can only remind myself to love him better in the now.


P.S. Cant believe it's the last exam of my undergraduate life. Fingers crossed all goes well.

friendship was what i learnt in law school

With the last week of law school coming to an end, I realise I am more sentimental about leaving this place than I expected.

I would say that my first year was my most exciting year. I was new to this world. And strangely for a introvert person like me, I quickly became acquainted with a group of interesting friends right from the beginning of the semester. I never really had to deal with loneliness or being awkwardly alone at the very beginning because I had them. We participated in activities together; we had outings together; we even had our own group page just for us. J was the chatty one, L was quiet and studious, T had a sweet smile, W was the intelligent one, C was the laid back one, J was the strange but funny one, Z was the cool lecturer, and V was the key that brought us all together. But somewhere, somehow, all of us just started to drift apart. We started having our own friends, our own lives. For some of us, we still have the random conversation once in a while, but for the others, it is just an awkward bump along the corridor. I am not much of a social butterfly so in a way it aggravates the situation – I don’t always make the effort to talk and I guess it just stretched the gap between us even further.

In my second year, there was this elective I took – Employment law. At this point of time, I started being more of a lone ranger. I sat in front. I ate my lunch alone. I went about my classes alone. But employment law did not only excite me, it brought me to two other like-minded people who I eventually became fast friends with, Y and P.

Throughout my second and third year, I was mostly preoccupied with activities. It was a stage of my life where I came, I saw, I conquered. I had my hands full with student activities, I was active with volunteerism and I baked at home every chance I had. I began to enjoy being alone, I did my work quickly in the faculty and barely lingered long in the campus. I guess it is during the bulk of these years that left my batch mates and people in general to view me as a lone ranger unmoved in her arrogant ways. But at this point of time, it didn’t really matter to me because being alone worked for me.

But as group work was inevitable in some courses, I started to click with people I had never really imagined I would get along with before. Y and P were two such people. But there were others too like M and H. M was a happy girl which always had something to cheer people up about and often would post funny things on my facebook wall. There were a few times M asked us to hang out and called H along. That is how I met H. I don’t know how and why but H, P, Y and me eventually became really good friends. I will never forget the times we had simply hanging out, chatting, cracking jokes and all four of us were truly happy friends.

Yet even that close bond started unravelling after a little more than a year.

I guess friendships are impermanent, just like life. We find friends along our journey but eventually we have to part when the time comes. I think I just want to settle with being happy I ever made some good friends in these four years of life. Expecting a friendship to last is maybe too much to ask, but simply enjoying it while it is, is something we should never deny ourselves.

Having said all that, I just want to end my life in law school with no ill-will. We might never meet again, but we might also just end up being working colleagues in future.

I would like to end this note with a quote: “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.” – Flavia Weedn.

When Clingy is a Good Thing

Today, while CC was lying on my bedroom floor resting with me on his chest, I asked him, "Am I clingy?" 

Without a pause, he said yes. 

My heart sank a little. The word "clingy" is often associated with things like jealous, overly attached, possessive. It wasnt really new news for me; but having tried so hard not to be as sticky as my past relationship, I was a little let down that my attempt to be not so sticky had fell through. 

So I asked him, how can I be less clingy. In reply, he asked: 

"Why do you want to be less clingy?"

Random Thoughts on Relationships #1

Boyfriend is changing job, and he thinks that it is better for him to move to a place closer to his workplace (which happens to be much much further than travelling from PJ to SJ).

To begin with, I have nothing against him changing jobs. Just like how I would like him to be there for me, supporting me if one day I decide to chase my dreams, I would do the same for him. I want him to be happy in his chosen career just as much as I want a satisfying job for myself too. So there is no question of stopping him if he wants to change his job, even if it involves somewhere far off.

But it goes to the next point - how far is far enough for you to move? Presently, it takes him about 20 minutes to get to my place on average. We see each other during the weekends and spend loads of time together then. But occasionally when either of us are free, we would pop over at each other's place during the weekdays, simply to spend a wee bit more time together. I wouldnt say that the hours, minutes and seconds spent is much; but to be honest, each time he drops by for no particular reason than to be with me, it is a nice touching effort, and it does push things forward in our relationship.

The flexibility of his present (soon to be past) job did help too. He would drop by my place if he has work to settle around the area, or catch Friday lunch with me, simply because he has a long lunch hour.

Like I said, these things are not compulsory for him, and yet he does it. And it is because they are voluntary and non-obliging that makes those efforts touching and meaningful.

Maybe it is because of that I fear even more. I wonder if things have been so good that I will not be prepared for any challenges thrown our way. I think about his future (soon to be present) job; I think about the inflexibility of surprising each other on weekdays; I think of his new housemate; I think of my new life beginning in a few months. And all of a sudden, I realise there are so many uncertainties I am not sure I am ready to handle.

In a way, it reminds me of 1 April 2011. Definitely wasnt a day for jokes for me. And neither will 1 April 2014 be.

Communication will always be important to me. And for him, I guess it would be important if I can be as understanding as can be.

I will not deflect the credit I should give to him for everything he is to me so far. Ultimately, what I am trying to say is I am afraid. I know no two relationships are and ever will be the same. But what I have learnt from my past is that nothing is permanent. A person can make all the promises he/she wants in the world, but they can still be broken in the end.

Secondly, feelings are an accumulation of events being translated into an emotion. You may love a person with all your heart but when that person keeps hurting you, keeps disappointing you, and not treating you with respect, the colour of your heart fades and eventually one day, you will wonder if your heart is still a heart. I took the hard way to understand this. Because I could not see it. And it cost me a friendship, love and 4 years of a good thing to wake me up. I hope I would never do the same to you, and neither would you do the same to me too.

I do not want to ask anything more of you. You are already such a good boyfriend. You have already given me everything that I need and more. You are a great listener, a fast learner. You make jokes to cheer me up when I am down. You dont make promises, probably because you know promises can be broken just as easily as they are made. More importantly, you show your care and love through your actions. And I appreciate all that.

But it doesnt stop me from fretting, from worrying, from over-thinking.

When we started, I told myself not to get myself emotionally attached to you, to anyone. It is only when I stepped into this relationship that I realised getting emotionally attached is inevitably unavoidable. That if you start to fall for someone, you are already getting yourself entwined with their life. And once you are already steady, it is only natural that the involvement, both emotionally and physically, will increase. And perhaps, I shall resign myself to the next best thing I can do which is to know the boundaries of my feelings.

My writing is rusty but at least I feel better tonight. Also grateful the rain has returned. And constantly grateful I have you and my mom in my life. Can only hope for the best, remain positive and continue to appreciate every moment spent with you.

Till then.

My Memorable Weekend

Last Friday night, he came a little later than usual to my place. Upon arriving, he gave me a porcelain like vase and said it is his anniversary gift for me. He said it could be used as a vase (he did this by holding it out to me), or to drink water (imitating the act of drinking from the 'cup') or alternatively, it could be used as a hat, he said (placing the vase on top of his head). I remember thinking that it was so typical of him to give me something practical and non-sentimental, so I took the gift and laughed at his suggestions of how I could use the gift.

Then while we were making our way up to the house, he got into his car again and brandished out a stalk of five carnations!!!

It was so unsuspecting and yet, it seemed so natural, at the same time. My unromantic boyfriend got me flowers, and what's more, he got my favourite! It was one thing he got me flowers, but to remember that I told him I like carnations almost one year ago was something I did not expect from him. A perfect example of what it means when a person says, it's the thought that counts.

On Saturday, we had pan mee in SS19 before heading to Setia City Mall. We walked around the area and even chanced upon a political convention held nearby. After that, we got back home for dinner.

What I did not expect was that he had another surprise in store for me. That night, it was hot and stuffy and I had a lot of work to be done. He obediently kept himself away from me while I got my work done. Then around midnight he asked me to count the number of cranes he made for me sometime ago. I turned the box of paper cranes out and a card fell out! It was an anniversary card, with a note to ask me check out the space below my wardrobe. There was another surprise awaiting there - a bottle of 151 paper stars folded meticulously by him, and wrapped in gift wrapping paper. Oh how sweet can he be!

Sunday, I made arrangements for dinner. It was supposed to be a surprise for him, and I hope I was genuinely able to surprise him. We had earlier spent the day at home; he got bitten by Metta while he tried to clean Metta' eyes :'( We went to the doctor to give him an anti-tetanus jab. I was supposed to pay for it but he refused to accept my payment. We rushed to the Troika for dinner where I made reservations at 7pm.

I was glad he seemed happy at my choice of restaurant and venue for the night. I did think it would have been better if we were given a spot with brighter lighting but I guess it is the company that matters. He had fish and chips while I had polenta messy pizza. Further ordered the ever so well-known sizzling brownie and almost ordered the jackfruit cake but we realised we were too full midway that we cancelled that last order. Overall, quality of food was pretty good especially the fish because it didnt seem like the typical defrosted frozen fish and chips. Also, my polenta pizza was different from the usual pizzas we get around Malaysia - the crust was crispy and thin like nachos and it had lots and lots of mozarella cheese. Sizzling brownies with ice cream was a tad overpriced in my opinion but I enjoyed the cakey brownie that went well with the ice cream and hot chocolate sauce.

And I didnt get a chance to pay for that meal.

We spent the evening by walking to KLCC, 15 minutes walk away. The lights were beautiful and the lake shot colourful lights and played "My Heart will Go on", a weird coincidence I felt considering MH370 had just gone missing without a trace. We walked back to the Troika, my feet hurting from the heels the whole way.

Even so, we managed to spend a little time snapping a few shots at the Troika's staircase. Wish we had taken more pictures together that day. But regardless, I view it as days well-spent with him.

But what was touching was that when we got back home, he used lotion to rub my sore feet, checked on Metta, and tucked me to bed. I vaguely remember the last thing I saw was him lying on my bedroom floor reading Reddit.

You always never fail to amaze me, CC. This weekend was indeed an eye-opener of how sweet you are actually capable of being. But of course, I dare not expect it too often lest it spoils me. Me, on the other hand thought that my handmade card would suffice when you did so much more for me than that. But at the same time, I realise there are so many other ways to make you happy besides the most obvious material approach. I may not be able to make you accept my treat for dinner, but I will try to make up for it with in as many other ways as I can.

Hugs and kisses.

1st Year

A little more than a year ago, I would never have imagined that the man of my dreams would be mine. I can still recall thinking that you are just the type of guy I would like. At that point of time, you would message me randomly every other day despite being in another state. I enjoyed your wit, your kind nature, your optimism. I liked that I could discuss all sorts of issues with you. I didnt want to dwelve too much on the status of our relationship because you were just too good to be true, and I really didnt need any more disappointments in life at that point of time.

The first time you came to my house was after the CNY holidays. For some, it would be awkward to bring an almost stranger into your home. By then, we had only met two or three times. But armed with delicacies from Penang, a book I had been wanting to read and some treats for Metta, I knew at once you were no stranger. 

Things progressed quickly from then. 

10 March 2013 - we were watching Hugo on your laptop at my home. No one was home. At first, you placed your hand on my thigh. When that did not prompt any response from me, you took my hand and asked me if I was alright with us seeing each other. Without a second thought, I knew the answer. Yes. And you took my hand and gave it a kiss. 

The rest as some would call it, is history. 

The thing about you is that with each day, each week, each month that passes, with each moment that I know you better and better, I discover more and more things to cherish about you. 

You are not romantic nor sentimental; you are forgetful and aloof; you apologise for mistakes when you do not know what you did wrong; but just like the thorns of a rose, these qualities too, are part of why I love you. 

In the first few months when I first got to know you, I immediately took a liking to your quick wit. You had many ideas and shared interesting thoughts with me on a daily basis. You could create jokes in a snap and understood most things (even stupid things) I said very easily. When I got to know you better, I began to see the sensitive side of you. You were also a kind person and often helped anyone when you could. 

But it was only when our relationship started that I realised how good I had it. You drove sensibly; you communicated well with me; we enjoyed our time together; you respected me as a person; you forgave me for my past and even more importantly, allowed me to forgive myself for my past; you assured me when I needed a shoulder and pushed me when I needed motivation; we fought playfully and argued respectfully; you celebrated my causes and anguished over my miseries; I could be honest with you and you understood my need for honesty; I could love freely; I could be silly and you would never judge me.

Many times, I wonder the good luck that was bestowed upon me for me to meet you. I am glad for holding out for Mr Right and not Mr Alright. 

HAPPY 1ST ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVE. (Cant believe it is in a week's time!)