Last Dinner Menu of 2010

Planning tonight's dinner! :D

Things i need:

1. Cherry tomatoes

2. Ham

3. Iceberg lettuce

4. Thousand island dressing

5. Hot dogs

6. Soft drinks

7. Potato chips

8. Mozzarella cheese

Anything else?

Three Resolutions

I wonder what year 2011 holds for me. To me, tomorrow will just be another that i live - i am still in my holiday mood and i do not intend to bring that mood to a halt. So it is with regret that i realise that university starts next Monday (and today is Friday!).

Well, for starters, i can imagine that in semester 2, things would rush by just as it did in semester 1. I miss Zokhrism, they made my life easier to live through in semester 1, and i hope we still do for the many semesters ahead. I will still take part in as many activities i can but perhaps, not too many..

This is the year I will start a full-fledge long distance relationship. Chee Yuan will be going to India in April, and will be studying in Manipal for 2.5 years. Although we did have our fair share of long distance when i was in matriculation (Perak) and he, in Shah Alam, at least we still could see each other at the very least, once a month. And call rates between states are the same. This time, well, everything will be so different. I have never been to India, can never possibly imagine what India is like. He will be starting his university life there, a total new phase of life, with me only in the background. We will be studying different courses, different places, different friends even different time zones. The one who is always the late one between the both of us is now behind Malaysian time by TWO hours. We will only have the Internet to keep us together, and i feel so so afraid.

No doubt, in the past few months and this December, i have really come to know CY better than ever before. But often, i wonder to myself if it will ever be enough?

New subjects, new lecturers. I will have to face them with strength, patience, and optimism.

I guess for this year, i wont set myself a list-ful of resolutions as they always end up unfulfilled.

1. Take part in as many activities as in semester 1. These activities were the ones that coloured my uni life.

2. Have faith and dont get hurt so easily. This applies to all my friends and cy.

3. Don't give up. At least you know you did your best.

Cheers! And to everyone, Happy New Year! :D

(Red Velvet) Cheesecake Brownies

I decided to put "red velvet" in brackets because it is the original name of the cake but because i choose not to put red colouring into the cake, it is not exactly red, and hence, i dont think it would be appropriate to name a cake red when it has no reminiscence of that colour.

The picture below is the joy of my baking efforts, half-way gone.. The top is the cheese layer while the bottom is chocolate cake / brownie. This is the part which is supposed to be red in colour like HERE. :D

I used the recipe from Baking Bites but tweaked the recipe a little by cutting down the butter *just a little* and the sugar *also just a little, but slightly more than the butter* and i totally omitted the red colouring.

A:

1/2 cup butter

2-oz (60g) dark chocolate, coarsely chopped

B:

1 cup sugar (can be less)

2 large eggs

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 1/2 tsp red food coloring (omitted)

C:

2/3 cup all purpose flour

1/4 tsp salt

D:

8-oz (240g) cream cheese, room temperature

1/3 cup sugar

1 large egg

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

First, just melt A together. While doing that, mix ingredients C and beat B. When A, B, and C are done separately, slowly pour in the liquid A into B. Beat in C.

When the brownie layer is done, proceed to D. Beat ingredients D and pour the mixture onto the brownie layer.

Bake 35-40 minutes at 350F or 177C.

:D

Super Duper Foodie Trip: Part 2 (Melaka Town + Portuguese Settlement)

The trip to Melaka was amazing although it would have been great had it been not so rushed. Did a basic tour of Melaka.

Lunch: Hoe Kee Chicken Rice Balls, Jonker Street.

We ordered 10 balls + a plate of chicken + one cup of 'leong cha' + coconut drink + cabbage. Besides the must-try chicken balls (a little overrated), if you ever do come to here, do try their 'leong cha'. It is really good, as it taste different from the typical 'leong cha', with a slight tinge of lime flavour? Something like tht. And it wasnt too sweet either. The chicken rice balls cost RM0.80 per ball.

Will upload all my travelling pictures as soon as possible once LCY starts uploading.

After lunch, we walked around, torn between visiting the historical sites and trying the delicacies along Jonker Street. In the end, we did a mixture of both. Walked along Jonker Street, LCY on a eating spree (ice-cream, sorbets, and of all things - Kickapoo?!) then proceeded to walking around Stadhuys, Dataran Pahlawan, park, A Famosa, before heading back to Jonker Street for the long awaited cendol.

The cendol we tried is along Jonker Street too. It's called 88 Jonker, and you cant possibly miss it! I orderd the (original) Baba Cendol for myself and the EPC Eight Precious Cendol for CY. Although quite a number of food bloggers seem to criticise this place, it is still undeniably one of the more popular stops by the locals and non-locals alike. I, personally found the cendol quite delicious and refreshing. :)

Next, we started off to the Portuguese Settlement. Because we went there a few days before Chirstmas (apparently, Najib would be there for the Christmas celebration) the place was in the process of being decorated. The performers were having their rehearsals and the place was beautifully decorated with bright coloured lights. Even the villagers living in the village joined the festive mood and decorated their houses to the nines! It was a breath-taking experience and we snapped plenty of pictures. Once again, all the pics are with CY so i have to wait till he finds the 'mood' to upload. Hmmph.

His car refused to start when we wanted to make our way to the Portuguese Settlement. His phone battery was near to 0% and my credit was RM0.00. Wakaka.. He kept making calls to his mechanics to fix the car. In the end, with the help of his Ampang mechanic over the phone, he managed to re-start the car. Amazing, kan? My bf has an option of being a car doctor a.k.a mechanic should he decide that medicine is not for him. haha, just joking.

Dinner: J&J Portuguese Seafood Restaurant, Portuguese Settlement.

We had dinner at store number 10. Ordered 3 dishes, besides the mango drinks and coconut water. The three dishes are Portuguese Baked Fish (absolutely delicious - if you love spicy food!), brinjal with sambal, and butter prawns. The portuguese baked fish was my favourite. At RM16.80, we were served one fish, loaded with sambal. Omg, i kept scooping the spicy chilli sambal to eat with my rice! The fried brinjal with sambal was good too. Although it was a little burnt. Total meal cost about RM40? But i guess it was worthwhile coz in the end, we were very full and satisfied with the meal. :)

We wanted to catch the River Cruise too but by the time we finished our dinner and our evening stroll of admiring christmas lights in the Portuguese Settlement, it was almost 9pm and we had to rush back to KL.

Anyhow, it was a great trip.

Next: Super Duper Foodie Trip: Part 3 (Muar)

Super Duper Foodie Trip: Part 1 (Klang Bak Kut Teh)

Planned a food trip with Chee Yuan to a few places.

1. Klang (specifically Teluk Pulai), for bak kut teh.

2. Melaka Town, for everything that Jonker Street has to offer.

3. Muar, his hometown..

4. Ipoh

This post is dedicated for the BKT, which we tried last Tuesday - 21 December. We took the KTM and got off at the Teluk Pulai station (one station after Klang). Apparently, Teluk Pulai is famous for the many BKT shops claiming the throne of BKT king. haha. But we choose Teluk Pulai Bak Kut Teh Restaurant. Dont ask me why, haha..

What's bak kut teh, with no teh? ;p

Discovered that he likes tea.. (picture above)

There are two types - the dry version and the 'wet' version (picture below). Personally, I enjoyed the wet version better, because I liked the soup. It had a slight tinge of herbal flavour, with porky goodness. Teehee.

The picture below is the dry version of BKT. Basically it is pork stir-fried in black sauce, dry chilli, shallots and shredded dry sotong? Although this was good, but i guess the two of us preferred to stick to the original soupy bak kut teh. :D

Generally, would say that the meal was satisfactory. If i ever come here to eat BKT again, i would probably just order one large bowl of soupy BKT, coz i simply loved the soup! As for meat eaters, be sure that your carnivorous cravings can be satisfied here. The amount of pork served is reasonable for its price with plenty of pork fat to melt in your mouth.

Dry BKT: RM11

Wet BKT: RM10

Coming up: A day in Melaka~!

i-City with all its lights and colours

An overdue post... the night i came back from SD camp, CY whisked me out for some dessert at Snowflakes. No, we did not order three bowls of dessert and one drink like the previous time. We both had hot desserts, as can be seen in the aboce picture.. both with black glutinious rice, but the difference is that mine has red bean and taro balls (left pic) while he had ice cream in his.

He kept saying that he wanted to go home by 9.30pm and we only arrived at Snowflakes at 9? I was like "...?" Anyway, he insisted we left as soon as we were done 9.15pm. What i didnt realise was that he had something planned...

i-City!

I know most people who wants to go has already went and those that didnt probably are not interested to go. But this was my first time. And it was breathtakingly beautiful! It would definitely had been better if there was not such a huge turn-out that night.. but nevertheless, the lights were simply amazing. When you see all the lights from afar, it might even start to feel a little surreal.

I didnt have a good cam. All the photos were taken with my trusty Sony Ericsson C510.

This picture (above) is my favourite pic. Any idea why? ;p

YSD and her scholars

Five days have passed since i stepped foot in Merlimau. It was definitely a first-time at that place.

The first day was spent in Gombak, Selangor, doing community work in the form of painting walls at Kem Modal Insan Kewaja. A wholesome great new experience! Together with four or five other girls, we actually managed to paint the four walls of the living room within a few hours. It was tiring but no doubt, refreshing to know we had made a change in the girls' lives.

That very same day, we departed to Merlimau. We were whisked off to dinner at some Ikan Bakar stall. Had a wide selection of food to choose from the typical otak-otak, the udang galah on galah, the popular ikan bakar, and so many more. After the meal, we settled in at Merlimau Training Centre. I was personally very impressed with the facilities there. Though basic, they were well-maintained and clean. I loved looking at all the well-kept greenery.

The following days were filled with classes that ranged from time management to communication skills. Was very amused with Mr Suresh Dhawan's session as the things he said were not only fun and entertaining, but were resoundingly true about each and every one of us. Fyi, he gave the session on communication skills.

But the best part, really, was the final day. YSD had beeen keeping mum about the session called TBC outdoors and it was only during the course of the camp, did we realise that we were going to be having an X-plorace!

It was one of the best-est explorace that i have ever participated. We were given the opportunity to explore every nook and cranny of Melaka Town while answering the clues and riddles along the way. I enjoyed the adventures i had with my group, the challenges and difficulties we had to go through together just made the whole game sweeter and better. The running all over Melaka Town, scorching our skins under the hot sun, sitting on the pathway of the park near Dataran Pahlawan having our packed lunch, cracking our heads solving the puzzles that came our way.. Will never forget the moments like when Xin Ming was so determined to peel out the clearance sticker from the restaurant banner for the sake of scoring a few extra points, or when Firdaus and i were debating on which was the true Portuguese name of the ship, or when Vincent cycled the trishaw and came back in speedy time. All those memories were incredible and it was great that in the end, we could still sit together after the race and enjoy the cendol from Jonker Street together. If that wasnt one hell of an experience, what is?

The camp may have started of dull and boring, but it gradually evolved to be an amazing camp. Though i could have used a few more friends, but i am glad i made enough friends to make the camp an enjoyable one for me.

Now, i have to start packing for Singapore. Orchard Road, here i come!

My December Plans

Now that my first semester exams are completed and done with, i can actually consider my life quite stress-free at the moment. For the next three weeks, I am going to try to fill my time with as much travel and food as possible, oh crap, somebody please remind me to bathe Metta (fyi, Metta is my lovely, as-cute-as-pie doggie, who unfortunately has not bathed in a month!)

Sorted out half of my room yesterday. Cleared away the book mountain forming on my table and areas around it.. Half-way in progress only. Then i sneaked off to Chee Yuan's house to watch Avatar. Had a fun night and morning with him, the day after. Sort of touched he actually called me this morning at around 8.15am to ask me to go to his house and resume watching Avatar because he is not much of a morning person.

Avatar is incredible! I know, i am that slow and outdated in watching movies... but i guess Avatar never really appealed to me what with the blue creatures with strange features.... I agreed to watch it yesterday merely for the sake of watching something, and boy, it was a good choice! A very elaborate, complex plot, yet it such a contrastingly simple and basic theme, of love and loyalty. Please watch it if you are one of the few who have not watched it.... lolz

Going out tonight for buddy dinner at TGIF, thank god, it is a Friday! (please excuse the pun.) Might catch another movie tomorrow if Chee Yuan feels well enough.. Then, after that i shall be whisked off to Gombak, Selangor for a one-day community project for SD scholars followed by a 4 day camp at Merlimau, Melaka, also under SD. I have no idea what those few days hold for me.

Urgh. The remaining plan for my December holidays has yet to unfold clearly but it is a mixture of a possible trip to Singapore (more shopping?), food trips to Muar - Melaka - Ipoh, and perhaps a trip up to Bukit Tinggi? Really hope i can do all those stuff with Chee Yuan..

Gotta go prepare for buddy dinner later. I have a feeling the next three weeks will fly in a blink of an eye!

Totally lost but it's alright

I finally sat for the law and society paper.

It wasnt good, maybe even bordering on awful. I really hope the examiner wouldnt be disgusted with the things i wrote coz i was rambling on nonsense. It was so bad, even i refused to re-read what i wrote!

Anyway, i confided in my mom. She said it's alright, i dont have to aim to be the best. I know who i am deep down inside, and the truth is, i am not all that great with general knowledge. It is not that i am too lazy to read the newspaper, or spare some time for the news. But i really have no interest in what goes on with politics, or if there is a war going on. I am ashamed to admit this, but it is the truth. Every time i turn to the front page of a newspaper, my eyes drift from the headline to the advertisement at the bottom of the page. If i try to read Malaysiakini, i just zoom past the headlines and click the red, "x" bottom at the right top corner of page. On the other hand, i do know what is happening in Hollywood, who is dating who, and what is delicious and easy to bake. I can read novels on fantasy, crime, thrillers.... and never put them down until the last page.

Isnt that bad? I often wondered when i will start developing some interest in current issues. Always, the answer was one day. But when is "one day" going to come? If a 9-year old girl doesnt know why North Korea is bombing South Korea, it is acceptable. But if a 19-year girl wonders the same thing, people will wonder if she is illiterate.

Am i normal?

When You're Socially Inept

What do you do if you just realise over night how much of a clown you are? Haha.

You laugh when people are saying something serious.

You try to make people feel better, but make things worse.

You worry out loud if you can score when people are worried if they can even pass.

Yup, that's me.

I really need to learn to be more sharp and not so aloof and slow. Or else, i will always be misunderstood.

To anyone that i have hurt or caused any misunderstanding, my apologies.

I am not the type of person to keep any vengeance in heart nor am i the kind that intend to spread malice or ill intent, so dont take me too seriously. I know i might look dead serious when i dont smile, but honestly, i DONT hate you! :D

*peace*

When Love Just Aint Enough

Not Your Average Girl

I am not your average girl.

I guess i have always known that. Well, before you start forming your own presumptions...

My life has always been a competition for me. When i was as young as i could remember, I would compete with my new born baby brother for my parents' love. I was just a small kid, i didnt realise that.. a parent's love for their children is inexhaustible. Then, as i got older, i competed with everyone for everything. For the glory of being number one in a race, for winning in a fight that i started, for being the top in my class, everything was always a competition, a duel to win. Somehow, i could not let anyone beat me to my aim. I had to be the best, no compromise. I guess that's why i ended up with slightly more of everything than any girl. Most teachers adored me in high school, students admired me for my capability.

Now, i am 19 years old.

I am slightly taller than the average girl, but not the tallest,

slightly brighter, but not the brightest of course,

slightly better in anything i try than the average girl,

slightly better in sports,

slightly braver,

slightly more outgoing,

But the truth is, i am not much different from any other girl. If it's anything, i guess i am pretty worse off.

On the exterior, i might look like a strong bright girl with a great future ahead. Scholarship in hand, loving family on the other hand to back me off if anything goes wrong.

But the truth is, i am not as strong as i appear to be. Like a rose petal, so beautiful and elegant, it can tear into pieces just with a slight touch. Yes, that is how fragile i am inside. I hate to admit this, but i am just like a time bomb, ready to tick off at any moment. I am like the crab with the hard shell to protect it from all the pains in the world. But you see, if you crack the shell away, all you find is really... really, a pitiful little soul that has barely anything to live up to. This crab, is just living on a strong exterior, but is ready to be crushed at anytime. I am like the porcelain vase on the tea table, ready to fall off the table when some clumsy child bumps into the table. I am far more vulnerable than the stray puppy you see whimpering for it's mother on the side of the road.

Yes, i am no better than the stray puppy, the tough crab, the threatening time bomb nor am i better off than the rose petal. I can be like any of these things at it's very most pitiful, strong, intimidating, or fragile moment, but the truth is, i am just far off worse than any of them combined together.

I tear at the thought of a moment,

I break down,

I hurt,

just so easily. And the thing is, no one can help me. Not even myself. I failed multiple times.

When i was little, i used to wish for things like getting a puppy, or scoring straight As in my exam. As i got slightly older, i prayed that i could find love, and of course still the straight As. But if i were to be given a wish right now, all i could really ask for is to have a strong heart so i can brave through the toughest moments with less difficulty. So that i dun have to be the weak little girl sobbing on her bed, crying away her worries. Because now, i truly realise who are the most blessed people in this world. They are not the richest, nor are they the most beautiful or most intelligent and successful. In my opinion, the most lucky people in this world are the people who are strong enough to face their life and the challenges life throws at them with strength and courage, and not needing to shed a tear. These are the most fortunate people. Yes, indeed.

In One Month Time

In slightly less than one month time, I can:

1. Go shop for new clothes and stuff... shopping spree!

2. Go travelling (hopefully i can go to Kelantan and Terengganu if the monsoon decides to subside early)

3. Catch up on all the movies i have missed.. Re-watch Hachiko with Cy, Harry potter, etc etc.

4. Bake more cakes and perfect my fresh cream cake recipe

5. Go for my Residential Programme orgaqnised by my sponsor.. i get to meet refugees! :O

Actually the reason i blog is not to list out what i want to do in a month time. If you know me well enough, you would know that if possible, i want to spend my every single awaken minute with cy before he leaves to India in 3 months time.

I have almost completed my revision, short of Legal method... but i wonder if i studied enough.. it seems like nothing is my head. *knock knock my head*

It has been a rough year or so for us, cy... I am sorry. If i can really change, would you turn back the clock to those sweet old times we used to have in Form 4? Is it possible?

What a day!

Today is Chee Yuan's birthday.. He is now officially 19 years old! Haha, AND i am 5 months older than you, kiddo.. I got his friends to have a surprise birthday lunch for him and it worked.. At least no one bocor the secret and i guess the only mistake was that i answered CY's phone when i entered Sunway Pyramid.. >.<

Do you know why i like your friends so much? They really have what people call "yu qi".. if translated in BM... semangat berpasukan?? I like how they were so happy to sing the birthday song for you in public, when i came in with the cake... it really helped make things not awkward for me..

I wish i stayed on with you guys.. i didnt do much studying at home today... even now.. my mind and mood is with you guys... so free and relaxed now that your A Levels are over... Just that, MINE are just about to start in a week's time! Oh boy.. :S

Dinner treat from me at Buona Sera. Wouldnt say it is the best, but it definitely was not the worst. I guess if you are a person with a sweet-tooth, you could drop by here and try out their desserts.. They have a great variety and they all look really good.. E.g. Sticky date pudding, zabaglione, chocolate tarts, gelato, sherbet, etc etc. I ordered the zabaglione.. It was served in a wine glass.. Bottom was some sort of berry sherbet. Top was a frothy egg mixture which had the slightest taste of wine in it. When the sweet sour-ish flavour of berry hit the light flavour of the froth, it was incredible! I love it. If i ever do come here again, i will order more desserts. Only.

The main meals were nothing much to talk about. I guess for the price we pay, we got the quality the price fetched. CY had rosemary Chicken while i had linguinne sakura pork chop. Both were heavy with the herby spices taste, especially my linguinne. The linguinne started off tasting sour and not that great. But as the taste developed further, i enjoyed our the pasta afforded a warm fuzzy feeling from within. Lol.

As for Cy's rosemary chicken, i though it was a better choice than my pasta. Though the chicken is alittle on the dry side, i enjoyed the accompanying sauce... It had a herb flavour-ed oil? Maybe a little of rosemary, garlic, onion, and olive oil? Not too sure.. But it really suited the flavour of the chicken. What i can say is, the main courses did not exceed my expectations but the desserts did!

Anyhow, i hope you, Lee Chee Yuan , Alwyn had a great time today. That is the main purpose.

I am really glad i did what i did today.. At least every thing turned out as plan..

This year, i decided not to give you any fancy present or object. I did it by choice. Because i realise that you are leaving to India in not a very long time and it will be of course, a whole new challenge for our relationship. I want you to leave this land with fond memories of us and not the many bitter-sweet ones we so have. Nothing in the future is ever certain.. but if you ever do have doubts in this relationship, i wanted you to have something to turn back onto and remind yourself that what matters most is our feelings for each other. I didnt want to give you a present only to have you to leave it in your home. No, that will not be my intention. I wanted to give you something you would have no qualms about taking along with you to India and i without a doubt, i knew that the best present i could give you this year would be the sweet memories of today..

Hence, i am thankful to everyone who paled their part and made today possible. No matter how small your role was, it was still a part of it that made the entire thing go on like clock work.

Yes, i will not have any regrets for this year. I wouldnt have to sigh and wish i did better when you were around.

Good night.

Flea Infested Day

Great day today! (except the part where i felt ssad for Metta)

Morning: Cooked breakfast for brother.. Corn and sausages, and my fussy-pot brother actually ate everything up!!!

Noon: Pizzas for lunch at Domino's. Delicious Aloha Chicken and Classified Chicken. My two favourite flavours.

Afternoon: Spent my day lazing around... watching a bit of hokkien dramas (i didnt turn them on!!! my grand ma watches them..) Grr... late evening, began to get a little pissed that somebody didnt confirm with me about going out for dinner, although HE was the one who asked me out. Hmmph!

Night: Highlight of my day. He finally came, opened the car door for me *love*, did everything correctly, minus the 'driving dangerously' part.. Lovely dinner at Papparich, Subang Jaya. Must have another round of their chendol again in future...

I just realised that my taste in music is sort of changing.. maybe it's getting more diverse? I used to only listen to sentimental music and alimited range of pop but nowadays, i seem to be enjoying quite a variety. Especially, Teenage Dream from Katty Perry, According To You, Kissing You and the list goes on.. haha..

On a different note, it seems like Metta, my dear furry friend is under the attack of fleas! Can anyone please give me a solution on how to get rid of these pests? My heart aches for my dog.. I love him so much and it hurts me to see him in such discomfort. FYI, he is bordering on 10 years old already.. and i am afraid he might not be able to withstand all this pain and discomfort for long.. Metta is a sweet guy and doesnt deserve to hurt like this. Despite all the pain and itch, he still has the courage to look happy and cheerful everyday..

I am aware of flea repellant and shampoo.. I have tried these alternatives but they dont seem to be working.. :( I just read up online about garlic, olive oil, and salt as other deterrents for fleas. Will try them tomorrow. But if you have any effective way, please share.. Metta frequently runs out of the house, on a daily basis.. I suspect the outside grass is his source of fleas... :(

How Deep is Your Love?

I never used to have any doubts in our r/s before. In the first few months, the first year, i always knew you loved me, with all your heart and soul. But as time goes by, your attitude and you actions seems to show otherwise. I hate it that i am writing it down here but how else do i tell you? These days, i am the only one who calls, the first one to msg, very often, we only go out because of my insistence or the sacrifice on my part. It hurts me that when i hang up the phone, i no longer can expect anyone to call back. Worse still, that very same person who used to actually call back now just turns off the phone and goes back to sleep. Obviously, my suffering means nothing to your sleep.

For the past few days, even today, as the days come closer to the exams, i feel extremely stressed. Do you know how it feels? I guess not. Law is not as easy as a subject as it may seem. It is not just memorising facts. I wish it was, my life would be much easier then. I feel pressured to score As in the exam but guess what? I already know that an A for tort is already almost near impossible. After all, 70% goes to the exam and i have 11/30 from the continuous assessment. Tell me, with that kind of results, what can i expect from the exam? How am i supposed to get my 3.5? At the least, will i even pass?????

The other subjects are no better. Each subject proves to be just as discerning as the other. Law and society, contract, legal methods, even islamic. My heart aches just at the thought of each subject. I hate to admit this, but i cant seem to cope. I see everyone, so focused on studying. I get scared, worried - am i doing enough? But i cant seem to study. My mind is frozen and it doesnt seem to work.

The past few days, i try to stay up a little later, try to do a little more reading.. but the next day when wake up, i just dread how the day will unfold. Because i know it will be another day of trying to force unliquified facts into my head. Solid, hard facts that cannot be taken in any other way. I feel terrified. Terrified for the exam and i dread each day there is to come.

I have always been the worry-wart when it comes to exams. Scared that i wouldnt have time to finish studying, afraid i have nothing to wirte in the exam. etc. At least, last time, i could do it. I scored my As despite my insecurities. But right now, my fears are more real than ever. The inevitable fact, i did fail my tort test. While everyone were scoring 16, 21 over 25... i got a measly 7.5! And i DID study. I am not afraid of the shame... but i am just disappointed. Plain disappointed with myself. I cant believe those marks belong to me. If i didnt study and got those marks, there is no one to blame but myself. But i did! And i dont know what i did that went wrong.

And it hurts that you are so unsupportive. At the time when i need you most, you turn your back on me. When i need a shoulder to cry on, there isnt anyone. All i can do is just drench my bolster in tears and tell myself to stop crying. But i guess it never works, eh? Coz i still do.. Maybe you really arent the same person anymore. For now, maybe i can just choose to oversee it, but if this continues, i really dunno what to do further. Because the person i fell for, he would have understood, he wouldnt have went back to sleep when i was on the verge of crying. More importantly, he would have cared.

Jocelyn Wildenstein

This is a video of Joecelyn Wildenstein. Plastic surgery destroyed not just her sweet face, but also her life. Apparently, she underwent surgery to restructure her face to look more feline for her ex-husband who had a thing for cats. But what she didnt realise was that people only look beautiful when they are natural and being themselves. Her ex-husband died two years ago, if i am not mistaken.. And i have heard that she is getting a plastic surgery reversal of late. She is in her late 60s now. I wish her all the best. I think if it werent for plastic surgery, she would have been a very beautiful woman.

A Sum Up of Several Events

As promised, a picture of my mini cherry cream cheese tart. This is not my most flattering picture of it but i guess the most important is, janji boleh makan right??? I dun have cherries so i used strawberry jam to replace it instead. The base is made of wafers. I like it chilled but my brother likes it out of the oven..

I have been planning to bake a vanilla sponge with filling for a long time too.. I have never really baked a layer type of cake before so this is my first attempt. Not my best, but better than i could hope for. The picture below is the plain vanilla sponge before i disected the cake into two. The consistency was pretty ok on the top but i regret that i did not follow the recipe's instruction for MELTED butter. I just scooped the butter out so it was pretty solid. And ANY experienced baker will tell you that anything solid or heavy doesnt go well with sponges. Haiz.. silly me for overlooking that.

Here, I have spread some strawberry jam, added some fruits and whipped cream! I love whipped cream. It's so light and frothy! Then the top layer goes on top and wa lah... you have fresh fruit cake..
My hands were itching to play with the whipped cream so i added more as the topping. But i seriously think that whipped cream goes better as filling. The picture above was taken a few hours after the cake was in the fridge, so the cake absorbed all the fluffy and cute appeal of the whipped cream.

I am looking forward to eating this tonight!

And then today, i spent my day at Midvalley.. Had my unagi spaghetti lunch at Pasta Zanmai. The unagi was melt-in-the-mouth delicious. Spaghetti was so-so.
Midway while eating the waiter served this to me. I was surprised coz i only ordered the spaghetti but i took it anyway, coz it looked good. Lolz.

The corn soup was very good. The top is actually some sort of pastry, imagine chicken pie pastry? Just that it is not so oily. Yet, it's still flaky. Wish i can learn how to make that pastry skin thing. It was used to cover the bowl of soup. Very imaginative and creative presentation. Corn soup was thick and nice, like campbell's chicken soup. Total amount was RM26.45. They didnt count the soup in (=FREE!)

Then, i watched Hachiko. It is the best movie i have ever watched in my life. Honestly. I love the show. It has all the elements of a good movie. I like how the movie was translated to us, from a doggie's perspective. I was blubbering the whole way through the movie, *spoiler alert* especially the part where the professor's wife sees Hachi waiting at the train station... 10 years later! It was such a pitiful scene...

Cream Cheese is All the Craze

Not in the mood to study.

Spent my first free weekend in months on the law and society research paper. Ish. Don't let me start on that. Lolz.

But of course, my hands were itching to work on some cakes or sorts. I baked cupcakes with cream cheese and strawberry filling. The batter was a little too sweet for my liking and i should have been more generous with the cream cheese. But that aside, I really like the cakey texture of the cupcake.

Now, the next thing on my agenda is.. Cherry Cream Cheese Tart!

I know, I love baking.

Unexpected Night

Hmmm.... what does this place look like?

Home?

Study table?

Look further....

You see someone ignoring me..

Yea, studying hard..

At A & W!

First time I've ever studied in a fast food joint.. Not bad, did quite some revising... Thank you, cy, for the unexpected night... XOXO

bits and pieces, here and there

I shouldn't have walked away

I would've stayed if you said

We could've made everything OK

But we just

Threw the blame back and forth

We treated love like a sport

The final blow hit so low

I'm still on the ground

I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall

Shattered in pieces curled on the floor

Super natural love conquers all

'Member we used to touch the sky

(Angels Cry by Mariah Carey)

But you can only go for so long
Doing the one you claim to love wrong
Before too much is enough
You look up
Find your love gone

We were so good together
How come we could not weather
This storm and just do better
Why did we say goodbye

(Angels Cry by Mariah Carey)

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor

Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

(Need You Now by Lady Antebellum)

Don’t you wish you had a time machine

That way you could change history

That's the only way that you could be with me

(Yesterday by Toni Braxton)

Actually i have many things to say about my life right now.

Just that i can't find the right words to say it out.

On a brighter note, cy popped over to my hs last night while i was still around UM. I wonder if he came only because i msged or if he really was planning to come. I guess it is the former? Regardless, i am thankful he came. Hate that we never learn from our mistakes tho.

Had mcflurry from old town mcdonalds.

I told him i wanted a quarter pounder with cheese to top it of and he was kind of shocked. Haha. It was just a joke. I will never touch a McDonalds burger in my life. Sundae cones and mcflurr-ies are a different matter. Last night reminded me of how good it felt to be loved, again.

How do i describe last night? Maybe like tasting dark chocolate with 85% cocoa? Sitting in your car, having our discussion... facing the inevitable fact of life that life aint perfect. Haha.

Makes you wonder if love is permanent

does love even truly exist?

pffftt!

It Feels Like So Long

Sort of sad that time has passed so quickly.

We used to be classmates so many years ago. And now, all of us are heading in different directions. I wonder if we will ever meet again when all of us graduates and start our own careers? It seems so far away, but look how far we have gone. From mere kids who fooled around like there is no end to tomorrow to who we are today. A total of seven years??? A degree, for most just take three years. Where will all of you be, guys?

I will miss all of you. Do keep in touch.

Carrot Cake, Finally!

I've succeeded in baking a proper cake after so many months of not baking! Love the (appearance) of the result.. although i haven't tried it but from the looks of it, it should be OK!

I'm like the weather

From a gloomy morning to a mediocre afternoon and right to a cool breezy night!

Forgive me for my previous two 'emo' post for today.. I have been having a lot of emotional shifts today, due to many factors. But now that today is coming to an end, things are beginning to clear up. Contract test is over *phew* (and let's pray hard the lecturers dont start getting us all to be nerds again anytime soon!) and things between CY and I are okay again.

It's really unfortunate i missed going to the movies to watch Devil with you guys.. i was really looking forward to it. Haiz... let's hope we can go to Tenji together next week, kay?

CY took me to Snowflakes for dessert today! Yay! Maybe you dunno how much this means to me, you see... this is the first time we are having night 'dessert' together... Snowflakes at SS15 is actually really close to Asia Cafe. We reached around 9 something and was amazed to see quite a crowd lining up at the counter at such an hour. As it was our first time there, we were spoilt for choices. I went to get a seat for us while CY ordered....

1. Pearl Milk Tea (**/*)

2. Coco-Loco(***)

3. Taroball series with sweet potato + barley + jelly balls (***/*)

4. Black glutinous rice + ice-cream(****)

Do you get the signs? (*) is one star.. (/*) means half.. so Pearl Milk Tea gets 2.5! It was a fair attempt of milk tea but having just returned from my HK trip where i savoured countless cups of milk tea... this one tasted plain and bitter.. huhu... (no offence, dear ;p)

Coco-loco, is what CY ordered for himself. As described by the poster in the restaurant, it is a bowl of coconut shaving (ice shaving with coconut milk, i guess?) with stringz, cincau, and taro balls (i likeee..). Overall appearance was appetizing but somehow, the flavour was a bit strange. Neither santan nor soya bean... No identity! lolz.

The third one... CY claimed that i asked him to order two bowls for myself! Hmmph. Just an excuse to make me fatter! Initially, i didnt really like it.. was eyeing the glutionous rice dessert. But actually this wasnt that bad. Not too sweet and it had a distinct clear flavour and the sweetness was just nice. It didnt transform into an overly sickly sweetness. And i like the generous portion of sweet potatoes served. Thumbs up!

The last but not least, was the black glutinous rice with ice-cream. It was no doubt the favourite for the both of us altho i foud it alittle too sweet. Nice tho... suitable to enjoy on such a cooling night like this.

Thank you so much for the dessert. I won't forget tonight, love!

si budak yang x bekerjasama bergambar.. huh!

Coco-Locco>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Taroballs series with sweet potatoes + pearl barley + 'jelly beans' ^

the beloved black glutinous rice +ice cream ^

'group' picture>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Thank you so much for trying to show the effort i so long to see, dear.... i saw it today! =)

Also, many thanks to Chiao Ying and Syazwan... ^.^

Sitting in my room,

thinking of all the things that have been,

the tears flow endlessly...

you told me countless times

i am 19, not 9

i cannot cry

but if you may,

i need to shed a few tears

for what has become

is not what both of us had dreamed for

but has turned to what is reality

for us all

i cannot stop the hands of time

keeping us as distant as two stars

i want to believe that in the gloomy night

there would be a moon to glow bright

i want to believe that in the dark cloud

there is a silver line

but as i watch the grey skies of the night

nothing but pitch black greets my sight

if what the prophecies says stand true

my heart can never belong to you

and neither yours to mine

for ours is a losing fight

where in the end,

both dies

a broken heart,

i guess can never mend

for this war we fight...

will have no end

I feel very sad.

Conflicts and quarrels affect me more than people think. Even if it is nothing to do with me, I can feel sad if it involves close friends and family. Do you know what's with the big pimple on my right cheek? Yea, it's due to all the emotional turmoil I am facing right now. Haha.

I feel sad that people just cannot see what unhappiness they are causing to others. If everyone wants to live in a joyful happy world, they should just forget their misunderstandings. Life is too short to hate. But the truth is, it is always easier to preach something and do another.

I myself fall into the trap of vengeance and anger. You feel hurt when people dont do something that you hope they did. I think everyone knows what that feeling is like. Just that some people handle it better than others.

I wish our life could be filled with happiness, always quarrel-free. But it almost doesnt happen anymore. I wonder why. Do you? Well, one thing is for sure. I know you are giving up.

It's not so easy to live life anymore. Once upon a time, I used to think that the hardest thing in life was solving Year 3 mathematics problems. But looking back now, I would willingly do millions of mathematics exercises, all just to avoid the messes and chaos life provides for us. You know.. it's really not easy being human.

Eat Pray Love

CY did come to pick me up and we did watch the movie, just like how i had hoped for. Although, we did mess things up, but I cant deny how grateful and glad he came. At the same time, i felt very guilty cause i was using his revision time for him to take me out.

How was the movie? Well, it was exactly how i expected a Julia Roberts movie would be like. Classic. The movie had already started when we got in. It was a divorce scene. Urgh. When they showed the parts that Julia Robert's character was suffering in the relationship, i cried. Especially the part where the character narrated, that at least, she loved her husband enough to stick with him for that long despite all the quarrels. Somehow, it striked a chord in my heart.. Maybe coz i felt that the situation is quite similar to what i am facing...??? Always quarelling.... but never having the heart to end it. But i do hope, Cy, that we wouldnt have to take the same road as what the characters did. I hope that maybe we can overcome all this childishness and enjoy a proper relationship.

Anyways, i like the movie. Wouldnt mind watching it all over again. After Julia Robert's character (sorry, can't remember the name) divorced and decided to leave her entire messed up life in NY behind, she decided to take a trip to three beautiful places - Italy, India and Bali. Eat, pray and love. Yea, in that order.

Maybe the only deterimental side of this movie would be that it wasnt intense nor deep enough to my liking. Yes, the scenery was beautiful, the actors and actresses were amazing... but i think the story plot could have run alittle deeper. I guess that is the only thing i felt lacking. That aside, it was a nice show..

CY, thank you for lending me ur shoes to keep me warm and the countless of things you did that night.

I am really sorry this is a tough week for you. I will TRY to disturb you less this week tho tmr will already be the last day of ur exam..

Stop with the song lyrics as titles

OK. I think i am getting a habit of forming titles from song lyrics of late. To me, it's unoriginal so i have to cut the habit! Fyi, i was going to name this entry, "if i had to live my life without you really". LOL.

Actually, i just baked a carrot cake, thinking i could bring it tomorrow for Chiao Ying, Li Ly and Jolene for their belated birthday treat. Sadly, i have not been baking much lately and the cake was a failure, well, in my mother's eyes (or rather mouth).

Personally, i thought it was ok but it wasnt my best. The inside was a tad too moist and my mom complained that the cake lacked body. Besides that, i am out of walnuts and cream cheese.. 2 of the most important ingredients for my cake! My baking skills seriously needs to improve or i really have no face to bring any cakes for my friends anymore.. What with Jolene having a super great mooncake maker mom and a future chef as a boyfriend, V with his sharp tongue and all you guys la..

For the next few days and weeks, my life is really packed. Moot competition, ALSA national forum, Law career convention, VOX... urgh... all requires dedication.. it is not just a matter of deciding whether i want to go or not. It's a matter of giving my best as a part of the committee organising it! In this sense, i am not complaining. I guess i got the uni life i wished for. And i shall continue to load myself silly until i cannot take in anymore!

I really hope CY can finish his revision for his A2 trials next week. Then we can watch "Eat, Pray, Love" on Monday night. I really want to watch the movie. Especially after seing the video clip starring Julia Roberts today. I just know that any Julia Roberts movie will be a good one.

My health has been suffering for the past few days. Thank you to all my friends who have shown their concern.. I really do appreciate it, CY, Chiao Ying, V, and Jo Rene. There are still some things bothering me.. and i feel sinful as hell about it... Aiks!

wish i could feel your love once more

feeling emo and ill for the past few days.. dun ask me why, i just feel that way..

nausea, headaches, lethargy.. sigh..

not too forget, i feel overwhelmed by a subject too! I appreciate her efforts but i am having difficulty coping with her subject!

will i ever survive law school???

Already Gone

Let's see.

I spent my first week of holidays in Hong Kong with my mother and another week with the Japanese delegates traveling all over Melaka and Kuala Lumpur. This leaves me with barely a few days to study my lost Contract subject. I have not touched the book although i seriously need to.

Hong Kong was incredible! Although the weather was a little hot and humid, everything otherwise was practically perfect. I love HK food, (their noodles suit my taste, their desserts are splended, and not to forget, i tried AND love smelly tofu..) love their efficient transport system, and the most amazing thing i discovered was... their 6am is equivalent to our 8am brightness although we are in the same time zone. I think HK is perfect for me.. if i lived there, i can wake up at my normal 6.30am and know that i am not alone. Even the shops open at 7am! Lol.

I travelled almost half of HK all via MTR and tram. It was an eye-opening experience that i will never forget. For anyone looking to Hong Kong for a vacation, the must-go and must-haves are:

1. Tai Cheong egg tarts (make sure you eat it fresh!)

2. Mid-levels escalator

3. Aunty Sweet's durian bean curd jelly

4. Tram rides

5. The big buddha, Wong Tai Sin, and the many temples around the island

6. Their small stalls along the road that sells anything and everything

7. Wan tan mee (it's different from Malaysia's)

8. Ocean park

9. Smelly tofu @ Prince Edwards

I guess you really need to discover the beauty of HK yourself.. it's not easy to describe such an amazing country in just one single blog post. Initially, i wanted to dedicate a 3-entry post for my HK trip but due to the lack of free time during my 'holiday'... i decided not.

I shall now proceed to the ALSA UM-Japan Study trip.

Actually, the study trip is still on going. Tomorrow, it would be the table discussion at the law faculty involving the topic of ADR followed by the climax of the trip at Pearl International Hotel with the cultural night and the 'after-party'. Woohoo!

Today, we went to one of the biggest law firms in Malaysia, Shearn Delamore & Co. The place was no doubt impressive and it would be almost any lawyers dream to achieve partner status in a law firm of such prestige. They served us a finger-licking lunch and one of the partners was warm enough to offer to treat us at one of the local coffee shops around the area. I especially love their 'crispy cheese' tart and the satay. The japanese delegates taught us to say 'i nioi' and 'oishi'. Teehee.. I suppose you can guess what it means.. ;p

We also went to klrc, the arbitration centre in Malaysia.

And then, before yesterday, we went to Melaka for a 2 day trip there. The Baba Nyonya food, introduced by the Melakan students of ALSA was unforgettable. I enjoyed every dish served, especially the cendol. Yum!

Oh ya, Joshua, Vincent and I 'ponteng' part of the study trip to watch Resident Evil. The movie kept me on my feet in the later half part. The beginning was a little slow but that aside, i have no regret for watching. *Paiseh* I fell asleep a few times at the start (probably because i was too tired) and someone had to box me in the face a few times. Haha.. Nevertheless, like i said earlier, the later part was very exciting and the ending leaves us wondering when will the next RE will be released.

Something Mr Kent (he is a partner in Sheanr Delamore & Co btw) said has started me thinking..

A lawyer's job is to solve other peoples' problems, but the fact is, a lawyer is capable to solve other people's problems yet they themselves have many problems behind them (in their own life.) I was quite amused when i heard him say this and marvelled at how true it was. I think of all the lawyer people i know and perhaps he is right?

Today's trip to the law firm made me impressed on how successful lawyers can be, if only they know how much potential they truly have. But this trip has also made me wonder, how much lawyer substance do i really have?

In the Blink of an Eye

..it's just another day

..telling me why, I'll find another way

..got me feeling, got me reeling

..i can almost start believing

I loved yesterday's impromptu outing to KLCC. Actually what Vincent said is right, going to KLCC is more worthwhile than going to Midvalley for UM students because the LRT ticket cost RM2.10 and it brings us straight to KLCC. On the other hand, if we go to Midvalley, we will need to take a bus RM2. Although it is cheaper, you have to consider the traffic jam that comes along with going to Midvalley. And besides, for night outings, KLCC would be more convenient to return to UM.. (LRT service is open till midnight while you probably wouldn't see any public bus at midnight in midvalley, no?)

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.

I have been wanting to watch the show since it was released! As a self-professed dog lover, I must say that i enjoyed every bit of the show. It had a touching ending too, which almost made me shed tears. I love admiring all the cute and adorable dogs. I love how majestic looking Diggs, the Alsatian looked.. and it was amazing to see that Butch was somehow bigger than an Alsatian! Unfortunately, cute looking cats seems to be lacking from this show, not that i am complaining. We have a slim looking grey cat working for MEOWS but she is more kick-ass than adorable. Mr Tinkles is behind bars, plotting his escape so we might be waiting for a third movie?! haha...

All in all, i would give this movie: ***and a half *

Last night was a great night. The fact that i have gone through half a semester of law school has yet to hit me! Contract law exam after the holidays. Chiao Ying suggested that i study in HK since I wouldnt have much time during my hols. (Sure, i will.. ;p)

Beautiful, aite?

The twin tower is beautiful in a pair but when you can only see each of the two towers as individuals, you just learn to appreciate it's beauty better.

Emo Post Coming Up!

I had two tests today. Legal methods and tort. Of the two, tort was awful while legal methods was standard. I seriously think i stand no chance of passing. My points were wrong, my facts were wrong. Everything was so messed-up. The exam ended with all my friends busy discussing their answers which were all more or less the same except mine. I really felt like i was in a mud hole. It's not that i didnt study.. i really tried my hardest! But some how the question was harder than imagined and that was my first downfall. I froze upon seeing the question and the rest were consequences. I forgot everything, i got my facts mixed up etc. This mess of a test will account for 25% of my final marks. How am i going to not fail? OMG!!!!

The car is having problems too.. Everytime i drive over gear 3, it starts having these weird sounds from the right side of the car as though something is loose or flappy. Then, i think about what my mom said about cars exploding due to a punctured tyre and i get really worried. Grrr... Not a good day.

The good thing is, after today, my life will, hopefully get better. Will be making my way to Hong Kong on Monday night! And will be back on Thursday, around night. Hopfully, i will get my well-deserved break there..

L for Law

I feel really tired these few days. Lack of sleep. Constant deprivation of rest. This period of 1pm till 6pm today itself is a sacrifice on my part so i can get a little rest. Sorry Jo Rene.. I wonder how you went to Sunway??

I like this life. Perhaps it is quite suitable for me, minus the part where i dun get my eight hours of sleep and lack of study time. At least, i wouldn't have much time to delve in unhappy stuff and be emo.

Tonight i shall be attending the majlis berbuka puasa at UM. No, not to eat and break-fast. I have an article to write. Buy the Vox magazine next year and read it, okay? Hehe. I am still pondering how i am going to approach this article. Write it plain and outright? Or shall i write it however i want? I would feel a little shy to let my editor read it and if she thinks it is a lousy piece of work.

Nxt week, three test coming up:

1. Wednesday: Legal methods test

Tort test
2. Thursday: Islamic Law test

Issh. I have barely started. And when i say barely, it is really barely. Test me right now and i will get a zero, barely.

What Is A Chess Cake?

Does a black-and-white cake pop into mind?

Chess cake has always been somewhere at the back of my mind but of late, i started to wonder what a chess cake is really about.

Does this look like a chess cake to you??? >>>>>

(this is from mactwins.blogspot.com btw)

Well according to the blogger, this is exactly what a chess cake is. Should i try baking it one day?

Crust:
1 package yellow cake mix
1 eggs
1/2 cup butter, melted

Filling:
1 8oz package cream cheese, softened
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
4 cups powdered sugar

1. Preheat oven to 325. Grease 9x13 pan.

2. Mix together cake mix, 2 eggs and 1/2 cup melted butter.

3. Pat the crust down into pan.

4. In another bowl beat cream cheese until smooth. Add butter, eggs and vanilla. Beat well. Blend in powdered sugar.

5. Pour over crust mixture. Bake 30-35 minutes. Refrigerate.

From the recipe, it seems more like a simplified version of a cheesecake to me..

3 Years of Love, Tears, Laughter and Pain

When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Haha.. something random.

I used to have a list of my ideal guy when i was small. The list consisted of qualities like:

1. Tall

2. Intelligent

3. Responsible

4. Hardworking

Over the years, i fell for many guys. Some that fulfilled those criteria partially, some not at all. A few had all but come to think about it.. those criteria doesnt really matter when you are looking for the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Even if a guy is tall, intelligent, responsible, and hardworking, it doesnt exclude him from being a shallow guy or a two-timer. True, the perfect family guy, (which i so want badly) needs to be hardworking and responsible, besides being intelligent enough to support a family.. but really, it shouldnt be the emphasis.

I know a guy.. he wasnt my 'type' when i first saw him. He was short and fat, he looked like a balloon, and i almost thought he was stalking me when he started calling me almost once a week at night, 10pm. That was five years ago?

Nevertheless, i enjoyed talking to him. He knew a lot of stuff that was happening in school and he would share them with me. Occasionally, i would tell him things that were bothering me and when i had a crush, he was one of the first few i would run to for advice. Likewise, he confided in me as he was crushing on another girl as well. This stalker turned out to be a great friend. Over the next stretch of years, we became closer. Especially when we were put in the same class in form 4.

I was still heartbroken from my break-up that happened the previous year and yea, this friend was one of the ones i often turned to when in need of support and a listening ear. I remember feeling embarrassed i had to ask his opinion on the card i made for my ex. But he was really supportive and a great listener. As he was having a hard time with his personal life as well, i knew that i had to be there for him.

This gradual symbiosis gradually changed from friendship to something a little more complex. The stalker was now my best friend. And he was no longer the fat round balloon. He was quite a tall and good-looking guy with quite a lot of brains (at least enough to be my Chemistry and Add maths tutor!) Most importantly, he genuinely cared for me and helped me overcome my personal fears.

I guess we both knew we liked each other but somehow, i was afraid. Afraid for many things. I hurt his feelings and he forgave me. Time after time. He never gave up on me.

So i dedicate this post to you. As my boyfriend, sweetheart, lover, and best friend. You love me for who i am and see the beauty in me that sometimes, i myself cannot see.

I can have vege stuch in between my braces and still smile broadly at you.

I can be my silliest without being afraid you will think i am silly.

You know the very best and the very worst of me. That's why you are special to me.

HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY! (It's on the 22th but if i want to make this a surprise, just as well do it early..)

Let this anniversary be a reminder of how far and how much we have already gone through and serve as a motivation that we can live through tens of this anniversaries in the future. XOXO.

Miserable

I wonder why i feel so down.

Today, i met two senior buddies that have already graduated from UM. One of them treated the seven of us to lunch. And then we had ice-cream at Seed Cafe. I had delicious 'homemade' durian ice-cream. Spent a total of about four hours at Midvalley listening and exchanging stories, more of the former.

Went home and entered pensive mood.

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, nothing will ever be good enough? Today was a day i fought the inner demons within me, mocking and sniding remarks at me. Have you ever felt that no matter what you try to do to make yourself look better, there will always be someone sitting next to you that gets all the recognition that you wish for. Have you ever felt that no matter how much effort you put in a relationship, it still seems like the relationship is falling out of shape, just like trying to mold a shape ot of a plastic bag full of water. Have you ever felt that it doesnt really matter how hard you try to live your life, there will always be someone bringing you down. So many, "have you ever"s.. but i guess i will never know if any one has truly felt what i feel now. Frustration, dissatisfaction, stress, unhappiness, etc.

There will always be someone who looks prettier, sweeter, more elegant and beautiful, cuter, perkier than you can ever be. Why resist the fact???!! Why even bother trying in the first place when you know, you can never even be as good as them, what is there to say better. How would you feel if you think you are good enough only to step into the real world and realise you are nothing but a mere fry. It sucks, doesn't is?

Just try being me and you will know the taste of this bitter, bitter medicine. No one is at fault for my misery but myself. Once upon a time, i used to blame it on my mom but you know, it's no body's fault but my own. My fault for generating such karma to have this life. My attitude for attracting the miseries in my life. My face for denying the acceptance i so long to receive. So yea, nobody is at fault except me.

I feel helpless. What's the use of confiding in people. You only reveal your low self-esteemed self to them. They can't help you. Self-esteem and confidence comes from yourself. They might sympathise with you a little but those are the limits. The rest needs to come from yourself.

I feel tired too. I feel exhausted with this up-and-down goose chase of a relationship. Nobody said it would be easy, but nobody ever said it would be this hard. I can't give up, but i can't hold on. Either way feels so wrong. What is a relationship truly about, huh? Is it about being there for each other when you need each other? Is it about sweet romance and how the prince sweeps the princess off her feet and rescues her from this horrible shit world? I wish i could have the answers to every single question that comes into my head. But unfortunately i dont.

I really did try. I always put my 100% in everything i do. but of late, i feel that nothing in life deserves 100%. People that give in half the amount of commitment i put still can get away with the same thing. So where is the line?

It frustrates me to think, you have so many restrictions. You cant do this, you cant do that. But why can you go out tonight? You said you would message because you were in the car with ur family but you took half and hour to type that message. Which part was more difficult? Having to type a msg in a car? or having to type wht you had to write?

One more thing people, please dont ever talk or ask me anything to do with my relationship status anymore. I am tired of explaining whether i am single or in a relationship.