When Love Just Aint Enough

Not Your Average Girl

I am not your average girl.

I guess i have always known that. Well, before you start forming your own presumptions...

My life has always been a competition for me. When i was as young as i could remember, I would compete with my new born baby brother for my parents' love. I was just a small kid, i didnt realise that.. a parent's love for their children is inexhaustible. Then, as i got older, i competed with everyone for everything. For the glory of being number one in a race, for winning in a fight that i started, for being the top in my class, everything was always a competition, a duel to win. Somehow, i could not let anyone beat me to my aim. I had to be the best, no compromise. I guess that's why i ended up with slightly more of everything than any girl. Most teachers adored me in high school, students admired me for my capability.

Now, i am 19 years old.

I am slightly taller than the average girl, but not the tallest,

slightly brighter, but not the brightest of course,

slightly better in anything i try than the average girl,

slightly better in sports,

slightly braver,

slightly more outgoing,

But the truth is, i am not much different from any other girl. If it's anything, i guess i am pretty worse off.

On the exterior, i might look like a strong bright girl with a great future ahead. Scholarship in hand, loving family on the other hand to back me off if anything goes wrong.

But the truth is, i am not as strong as i appear to be. Like a rose petal, so beautiful and elegant, it can tear into pieces just with a slight touch. Yes, that is how fragile i am inside. I hate to admit this, but i am just like a time bomb, ready to tick off at any moment. I am like the crab with the hard shell to protect it from all the pains in the world. But you see, if you crack the shell away, all you find is really... really, a pitiful little soul that has barely anything to live up to. This crab, is just living on a strong exterior, but is ready to be crushed at anytime. I am like the porcelain vase on the tea table, ready to fall off the table when some clumsy child bumps into the table. I am far more vulnerable than the stray puppy you see whimpering for it's mother on the side of the road.

Yes, i am no better than the stray puppy, the tough crab, the threatening time bomb nor am i better off than the rose petal. I can be like any of these things at it's very most pitiful, strong, intimidating, or fragile moment, but the truth is, i am just far off worse than any of them combined together.

I tear at the thought of a moment,

I break down,

I hurt,

just so easily. And the thing is, no one can help me. Not even myself. I failed multiple times.

When i was little, i used to wish for things like getting a puppy, or scoring straight As in my exam. As i got slightly older, i prayed that i could find love, and of course still the straight As. But if i were to be given a wish right now, all i could really ask for is to have a strong heart so i can brave through the toughest moments with less difficulty. So that i dun have to be the weak little girl sobbing on her bed, crying away her worries. Because now, i truly realise who are the most blessed people in this world. They are not the richest, nor are they the most beautiful or most intelligent and successful. In my opinion, the most lucky people in this world are the people who are strong enough to face their life and the challenges life throws at them with strength and courage, and not needing to shed a tear. These are the most fortunate people. Yes, indeed.

In One Month Time

In slightly less than one month time, I can:

1. Go shop for new clothes and stuff... shopping spree!

2. Go travelling (hopefully i can go to Kelantan and Terengganu if the monsoon decides to subside early)

3. Catch up on all the movies i have missed.. Re-watch Hachiko with Cy, Harry potter, etc etc.

4. Bake more cakes and perfect my fresh cream cake recipe

5. Go for my Residential Programme orgaqnised by my sponsor.. i get to meet refugees! :O

Actually the reason i blog is not to list out what i want to do in a month time. If you know me well enough, you would know that if possible, i want to spend my every single awaken minute with cy before he leaves to India in 3 months time.

I have almost completed my revision, short of Legal method... but i wonder if i studied enough.. it seems like nothing is my head. *knock knock my head*

It has been a rough year or so for us, cy... I am sorry. If i can really change, would you turn back the clock to those sweet old times we used to have in Form 4? Is it possible?

What a day!

Today is Chee Yuan's birthday.. He is now officially 19 years old! Haha, AND i am 5 months older than you, kiddo.. I got his friends to have a surprise birthday lunch for him and it worked.. At least no one bocor the secret and i guess the only mistake was that i answered CY's phone when i entered Sunway Pyramid.. >.<

Do you know why i like your friends so much? They really have what people call "yu qi".. if translated in BM... semangat berpasukan?? I like how they were so happy to sing the birthday song for you in public, when i came in with the cake... it really helped make things not awkward for me..

I wish i stayed on with you guys.. i didnt do much studying at home today... even now.. my mind and mood is with you guys... so free and relaxed now that your A Levels are over... Just that, MINE are just about to start in a week's time! Oh boy.. :S

Dinner treat from me at Buona Sera. Wouldnt say it is the best, but it definitely was not the worst. I guess if you are a person with a sweet-tooth, you could drop by here and try out their desserts.. They have a great variety and they all look really good.. E.g. Sticky date pudding, zabaglione, chocolate tarts, gelato, sherbet, etc etc. I ordered the zabaglione.. It was served in a wine glass.. Bottom was some sort of berry sherbet. Top was a frothy egg mixture which had the slightest taste of wine in it. When the sweet sour-ish flavour of berry hit the light flavour of the froth, it was incredible! I love it. If i ever do come here again, i will order more desserts. Only.

The main meals were nothing much to talk about. I guess for the price we pay, we got the quality the price fetched. CY had rosemary Chicken while i had linguinne sakura pork chop. Both were heavy with the herby spices taste, especially my linguinne. The linguinne started off tasting sour and not that great. But as the taste developed further, i enjoyed our the pasta afforded a warm fuzzy feeling from within. Lol.

As for Cy's rosemary chicken, i though it was a better choice than my pasta. Though the chicken is alittle on the dry side, i enjoyed the accompanying sauce... It had a herb flavour-ed oil? Maybe a little of rosemary, garlic, onion, and olive oil? Not too sure.. But it really suited the flavour of the chicken. What i can say is, the main courses did not exceed my expectations but the desserts did!

Anyhow, i hope you, Lee Chee Yuan , Alwyn had a great time today. That is the main purpose.

I am really glad i did what i did today.. At least every thing turned out as plan..

This year, i decided not to give you any fancy present or object. I did it by choice. Because i realise that you are leaving to India in not a very long time and it will be of course, a whole new challenge for our relationship. I want you to leave this land with fond memories of us and not the many bitter-sweet ones we so have. Nothing in the future is ever certain.. but if you ever do have doubts in this relationship, i wanted you to have something to turn back onto and remind yourself that what matters most is our feelings for each other. I didnt want to give you a present only to have you to leave it in your home. No, that will not be my intention. I wanted to give you something you would have no qualms about taking along with you to India and i without a doubt, i knew that the best present i could give you this year would be the sweet memories of today..

Hence, i am thankful to everyone who paled their part and made today possible. No matter how small your role was, it was still a part of it that made the entire thing go on like clock work.

Yes, i will not have any regrets for this year. I wouldnt have to sigh and wish i did better when you were around.

Good night.

Flea Infested Day

Great day today! (except the part where i felt ssad for Metta)

Morning: Cooked breakfast for brother.. Corn and sausages, and my fussy-pot brother actually ate everything up!!!

Noon: Pizzas for lunch at Domino's. Delicious Aloha Chicken and Classified Chicken. My two favourite flavours.

Afternoon: Spent my day lazing around... watching a bit of hokkien dramas (i didnt turn them on!!! my grand ma watches them..) Grr... late evening, began to get a little pissed that somebody didnt confirm with me about going out for dinner, although HE was the one who asked me out. Hmmph!

Night: Highlight of my day. He finally came, opened the car door for me *love*, did everything correctly, minus the 'driving dangerously' part.. Lovely dinner at Papparich, Subang Jaya. Must have another round of their chendol again in future...

I just realised that my taste in music is sort of changing.. maybe it's getting more diverse? I used to only listen to sentimental music and alimited range of pop but nowadays, i seem to be enjoying quite a variety. Especially, Teenage Dream from Katty Perry, According To You, Kissing You and the list goes on.. haha..

On a different note, it seems like Metta, my dear furry friend is under the attack of fleas! Can anyone please give me a solution on how to get rid of these pests? My heart aches for my dog.. I love him so much and it hurts me to see him in such discomfort. FYI, he is bordering on 10 years old already.. and i am afraid he might not be able to withstand all this pain and discomfort for long.. Metta is a sweet guy and doesnt deserve to hurt like this. Despite all the pain and itch, he still has the courage to look happy and cheerful everyday..

I am aware of flea repellant and shampoo.. I have tried these alternatives but they dont seem to be working.. :( I just read up online about garlic, olive oil, and salt as other deterrents for fleas. Will try them tomorrow. But if you have any effective way, please share.. Metta frequently runs out of the house, on a daily basis.. I suspect the outside grass is his source of fleas... :(

How Deep is Your Love?

I never used to have any doubts in our r/s before. In the first few months, the first year, i always knew you loved me, with all your heart and soul. But as time goes by, your attitude and you actions seems to show otherwise. I hate it that i am writing it down here but how else do i tell you? These days, i am the only one who calls, the first one to msg, very often, we only go out because of my insistence or the sacrifice on my part. It hurts me that when i hang up the phone, i no longer can expect anyone to call back. Worse still, that very same person who used to actually call back now just turns off the phone and goes back to sleep. Obviously, my suffering means nothing to your sleep.

For the past few days, even today, as the days come closer to the exams, i feel extremely stressed. Do you know how it feels? I guess not. Law is not as easy as a subject as it may seem. It is not just memorising facts. I wish it was, my life would be much easier then. I feel pressured to score As in the exam but guess what? I already know that an A for tort is already almost near impossible. After all, 70% goes to the exam and i have 11/30 from the continuous assessment. Tell me, with that kind of results, what can i expect from the exam? How am i supposed to get my 3.5? At the least, will i even pass?????

The other subjects are no better. Each subject proves to be just as discerning as the other. Law and society, contract, legal methods, even islamic. My heart aches just at the thought of each subject. I hate to admit this, but i cant seem to cope. I see everyone, so focused on studying. I get scared, worried - am i doing enough? But i cant seem to study. My mind is frozen and it doesnt seem to work.

The past few days, i try to stay up a little later, try to do a little more reading.. but the next day when wake up, i just dread how the day will unfold. Because i know it will be another day of trying to force unliquified facts into my head. Solid, hard facts that cannot be taken in any other way. I feel terrified. Terrified for the exam and i dread each day there is to come.

I have always been the worry-wart when it comes to exams. Scared that i wouldnt have time to finish studying, afraid i have nothing to wirte in the exam. etc. At least, last time, i could do it. I scored my As despite my insecurities. But right now, my fears are more real than ever. The inevitable fact, i did fail my tort test. While everyone were scoring 16, 21 over 25... i got a measly 7.5! And i DID study. I am not afraid of the shame... but i am just disappointed. Plain disappointed with myself. I cant believe those marks belong to me. If i didnt study and got those marks, there is no one to blame but myself. But i did! And i dont know what i did that went wrong.

And it hurts that you are so unsupportive. At the time when i need you most, you turn your back on me. When i need a shoulder to cry on, there isnt anyone. All i can do is just drench my bolster in tears and tell myself to stop crying. But i guess it never works, eh? Coz i still do.. Maybe you really arent the same person anymore. For now, maybe i can just choose to oversee it, but if this continues, i really dunno what to do further. Because the person i fell for, he would have understood, he wouldnt have went back to sleep when i was on the verge of crying. More importantly, he would have cared.

Jocelyn Wildenstein

This is a video of Joecelyn Wildenstein. Plastic surgery destroyed not just her sweet face, but also her life. Apparently, she underwent surgery to restructure her face to look more feline for her ex-husband who had a thing for cats. But what she didnt realise was that people only look beautiful when they are natural and being themselves. Her ex-husband died two years ago, if i am not mistaken.. And i have heard that she is getting a plastic surgery reversal of late. She is in her late 60s now. I wish her all the best. I think if it werent for plastic surgery, she would have been a very beautiful woman.