belated birthday

Had my second last paper yesterday. It was not a nightmare as I had expected, so I am more than glad I could simply answer the questions. Just a little regretful that there was not enough time to finish writing everything I wanted.

After the paper, CC came to pick me up to bring me to some place to make it up for not doing anything special on my birthday. This was after a day of asking me whether I wanted "High" or "Eight" and "Water" or "Earth". I picked High and Water.

The first thing I saw when I entered his car was two cream roll buns. Such an adorable guy. He said he was worried I will get gastric since it was a one hour journey to the place he was taking me, so he wanted us to have something to eat beforehand. Even more touching, he got the jagung bun because I told him that is my favourite.

I suspected we were heading to Ampang Lookout Point because the road he took reminded me of the last time I went to Ampang. The road up was dark and windy, and the petrol light started blinking when we started going up the hill.

Troll: So I guess you know where we are going? *we just passed a sign board and the road looked like Ampang Lookout Point*
Me: Ampang Lookout Point right? Did you know it closed about 2 years ago?
Troll: Huh? What?
Me: I told you that before leaving the house because I had a feeling you would take me there.
Troll: *scrambles for phone and passes it to me* Confirm whether it is really closed.

It was.

My heart sank. Guess there will be no dinner for me tonight, I thought. Luckily he got me the bun, I consoled myself.

Suddenly, he swerved into a small road on the right. Hah! He had something up his sleeves...

It was a little late when we finally reached the Veg Fish Farm Thai Restaurant near Ampang Lookout Point but it was worth it!

The food was nice, weather was cooling and the atmosphere was relaxing. The restaurant was kind of built on top of a lake with fishes swimming in it. What was more touching was the little things he did that night, like how he had gotten the bun before we went, calling up the place to check whether it is open on a Thursday night, yea I will even give him credit for pulling off such a flawless prank on me.

I wont forget this night.

hello!

This new semester will be a steep uphill climb all the way. Having chit-chat sessions with my friends make me realise that graduation is a little more than a year from now. I guess all this stress is surely not unusual, given the pressure-cooking and highly demanding nature of the legal profession.

Life has been good to me. Not the best, but neither the worst. But with each passing day, I grow with more gratitude in my heart for all the small blessings life has given to me. The people that step into my life, the little material things in life that make life a little bit easier, and all the opportunities I am offered with. I could ask for more, but for now, I am a satisfied person each night I go to sleep.

Pre-Trip Thoughts

I cant believe a trip I have been planning since months ago is finally going to be realised. Early tomorrow morning, I will be going to China again, yes AGAIN. But I beg to differ that the places I go each time are in fact different. Guangzhou is the typical town and I spent most of my time on the campus so I was never truly exposed to what the real China was like. And months  later when I went to Beijing, the trip showed me the historical aspect of China what with all its ancient buildings and structures. This time round, I will be visiting several areas, including Shanghai, Hangzhou, Nanjing and Suzhou. Each with its own distinct specialty and beauty. Shanghai for its metropolitan lifestyle, Hangzhou and Suzhou for its natural beauty, and last but not least Nanjing for its history. So when I visit China again, it really isnt an again for me, because each time, I am visiting some place new and different. 

What I am actually more concerned about is the weather. Freezing winter cold weather, and I have just recovered from a flu, fever and still recovering from a cough. I cant guarantee that I can ensure my health 100% whatmore the thorough health and welfare of the people coming along with me. I am nevertheless grateful to have CL to help me through the planning and executing of this trip. 

Well whatever it is, I will look forward to it. Looking forward to see the beauty of winter in China, looking forward to see my friend from China, and so many other things. Will update the blog on the places I have visited asap. Till then. 

2.5 Years of Law School Didnt Prepare Me

A little heartbroken from today. Have been putting a lot of effort in preparing for this exam, even if it is quite last minute for my standards. But I dont know what happened, my mind blanked the moment i entered into the exam hall. I guess my subconscious already knew what was coming.. because my hands were already shivering hours before the examination began. But still, knowing how inevitable it was doesnt help me deal with the disappointment within me. My mind was blank for an exam that I spent so much time, effort and energy studying. Tears of disappointment rolled down from my eyes immediately after the exam was over. I couldnt even finish writing everything, not that I had much to write anyway.

Glad MY's birthday was today. So we had a reason to be happy despite the torrid exam. And what I found out was that my closes friends were in the same boat as me. We all think we might fail Company law. Sighs. But it was nice to share the same misery together. It just felt less heavy when everyone carried the same weight on their shoulders.

A separate thought ran across my mind. The exam consists of supposedly two questions. We are required to answer everything in two hours. That would mean one question per hour, correct? But I think someone in the exam administration that decided this didnt realise what it is like to be a law student. Because law isnt about calculating, it isnt about writing one short essay. It is about analysing the question, identifying the issues, regurgitating principles from decided cases, applying it into the present situation and finally, writing all that down in ONE FREAKING HOUR!!! An ideal answer that will score an A would normally require a minimum of three pages. Please dont tell me one hour is enough. Reading and understanding the question itself takes five minutes, and if there are two questions, ten minutes is gone.(FYI, my question paper was five pages long). Sometimes lecturers think it is cooler to split the TWO questions into EIGHT. So you have EIGHT FREAKING ISSUES to answer. Maybe that is the reason why I lost it today, because I panicked and my mind went blank.

Maybe I cant accept the fact that I am vulnerable too. So I want something to put the blame on. Or maybe it really is the fact. I have lived almost 2.5 years of law school now and I know how generous examinations are with law students. We never have enough, it is just not fair to give us TWO HOURS to answer such ridiculously long life scenarios, with perfection.

Not touching any books tonight. Really done for tonight.

*I hope I get my mood back soon, for banking law. :( 

Workaholic Confessions

If you think my idea of a good new year resolution is to be a workaholic, think twice. Typing this at 2.13am makes me wonder what has happened to my life. Am I really the one losing control of the events happening around me or has things in law school really have been raised a notch higher?

I have much fewer subjects this semester as compared to previous semesters.
1. Company Law
2. Equity and Trust
3. Banking Law
4. Anthropology
5. Ballet

Yet I seem to be struggling like ALOT right now. I have not even covered one subject in entire -banking law, that will have to be really reserved for last minute.. the last few days before the paper begins. :( If you know me, you will know I am not a last minute person. God knows what will happen in the next few weeks when the exam dates approach nearer. So I have to buck up now so that I dont have to suffer as much then.

But I just cant help wondering how I managed to survive 10 subjects for SPM and in the past semesters, five or six subjects per semester, even. How is it that now, I am drowning in four papers? (Ballet has a practical test, so there isnt even a paper exam for that). Have I really become too focused on my extracurricular activities that academics have taken a step back? Or do I chat too much with my friends? >.< Or.. has the syllabus really become tougher? I would hate to believe that since to me, there is no such thing as difficult, only what is doable. Either ways, enough of my ramblings for tonight. Hopefully I can catch some shut-eye and wake up in a few hours to resume my endless studying.. :(

Gratitude

I went to Pudu Temple with CY and his mom today. Going to the temple has been in my plans since the night of 10 September but because I have never really been the religious type, it was not exactly the first thing on my mind. I had so many things to be grateful for after the accident. We did not lose our lives, neither did we suffer any grievous hurt. The other people involved in the accident were not injured either so it really did save him from a lot of trouble and additional mental grief.

I do not enjoy exaggerating things and I hope I do not portray the accident wrongly, but it was serious. When I saw the other car suddenly flashing the signal to cut into our lane, I (and I think CY, too) knew that we were in deep trouble. The things that followed happened too quickly. When people say that if you suffer from a near-death experience, your loved ones will be on your mind. I never gave that much thought (who has time to think of anything else when their life is at risk!?) But at that moment, my mother did cross my mind. I remembered that she was waiting for me at home; that my dad was away and she would be all alone. There was a huge bang. And just as quickly as the accident happened, everything came to a halt. I was stunned for a while but my momentary shock immediately came to an end when CY asked if I was okay.

It was pretty clear that the car was beyond repairs. I didnt realise the seriousness of the accident at first. I was just plain stunned. But when I looked around and realised I couldnt get out of the car because it had hit the highway barrier and my side of the car door was blocked by the barriers, I realised that that night, I could have lost my life. My handphone and bag, which were on my lap had disappeared and was only found later, under the seat of the car.

Each time the accident played across my mind, I would shudder, especially when I recall the 'bang' sound upon contact with the other car, the dust flying on my lap when the car turned 360, and the sight of the car after the accident. I took a few pictures but those are pictures I will not want to see anytime in the near future.

I thought of many what-ifs. If the car wasnt as sturdy or stable as the Corona, if the barrier had actually given way and pierced through the car, if the engine had exploded, if there was another speeding car behind us,.. so many what-ifs. But at the same time I dont want to think about it because it is scary to think of the consequences. So for now, until the trauma passes off, I just want to be grateful that everyone was safe and sound.

There is no one to blame for what happened. If there is, it would be everyone who was involved. So I hope no matter what, CY will not take it in his heart to blame himself for the accident. I do not resent him and I can truly understand how unavoidable the situation is, considering the speed. The other driver involved probably knows where he was wrong, even if he does not admit it in public. No one wants accidents to happen but since it did, I hope that he would see how dangerous speeding is, and how it does not only affect the people who drive but also the people who care for him/her.

The accident did not just serve as a lesson to CY not to speed, but it also acted as a reminder to me to be more courteous on the road. Although I dont speed, I do have other bad driving habits that can be equally dangerous too.. multi-tasking, carelessness, signalling the moment I want to cut into another lane etc. And each time I drive now, I am reminded of all those things and tell myself, it IS better to be safe than sorry.

On a different note, CY was the safest driver ever, today. :)

Balance

Baking can only take away so much of the boredom and deprivation I feel inside. Maybe it is because I have had too much of a good time in the past few months that many things I used to seek pleasure in the past is unable to give the same feeling anymore. Working at Starbucks has become a habitual routine that I fear would affect me once semester reopens and I have to quit. There are days when I am off from work and actually think about dropping by Subang Parade just to see if there is anything I can help out with in the shop.

Semester will begin next month and so many things are still in mid-way. Have yet to gain inspiration for my project paper which needs researching and writing before the 10 September, planning two trips simultaneously - one with my family to Beijing and another shorter and simply trip with friends around PJ. Can imagine a hectic semester ahead what with more student exchange programme activities going on. 

But in the seriousness of it all, I dont resent my busy-ness. I like being busy, because it keeps me occupied. No doubt there are days, I look into the mirror and see those tired eyes glaring back at me, and I would be like "oh man, you really need a break" only to realise that I cant help it but keep myself occupied with things to do. If there is one thing I have discovered that is, boredom kills. 

It is almost two months since I went to China. More than a month since I have returned home. But the memories will always remain. Before this, I never believed that it is possible to be close friends with people from foreign countries because of the language barrier. Acquaintances, roommates, friends maybe.. but close friends? I doubted that. But meeting the people there, especially two particular people, I might want to reconsider my opinion again. I posted about going to SCUT months ago (before going) saying how I had opted not to go in the previous batch but still ended up at SCUT the following year.. and someone even commented saying it was meant to be. That someone was right. Because if I had went the first time round, I would never had met these wonderful people and never would have had such a good time in China. 

Ok enough with my ramblings. Basically, I just want to say, I am grateful and happy with what life has for me right now. And I just hope that equilibrium to remain.

Blogging has often been something that comes naturally to me. I feel, I think, and then I put them out in words. Simple.

But with this entry, I find myself struggling to find the right words to express myself. When you are overwhelmed with emotions, sometimes you realise that no words can do justice to your thoughts and feelings. This entry is probably one of those instances.

More than one year ago, I blogged about how fairy tales give us blind faith. I was left broken, because the one person I did love did not believe that things were working out. I didnt realise that we had been quarelling almost every other day for about a year before things had eventually ended. As naive as it sounds, I believed that he would always be there for me, simply because he always had been. But when he left, I felt like a little girl lost in the forest, all alone. I was on my own.

It has been some time since that day. The past week.. if I may say, has been somewhat surreal. It has been everything I could ever have dreamed of in a happy dream. And in fact, much more. It almost feels like how it used to be, when we had first fell in love, so many years ago. And unlike how things were like when we ended, I no longer take the things he does for me for granted. Every single thing he does for me, is something that makes my day that much better. We talk easy, just like how we used to. It no longer feels like a one-sided thing that I had been pursuing for the past one year. I feel happy, I feel wanted, I feel loved, in his presence. And that is all I could ever ask for.

And though I say this is a dream, I hope that I will never have to wake up from this dream. I cant deny, I am afraid..

[Edited]
But whatever it is, I will just let things take it's course. This, after all, has never really been in my hands. 

Early 21

Another year has almost passed and this time, I am celebrating my 21st. I still remember being eight wondering how long it would actually take before I would turn 12 (because my dad promised to reveal his magic secret when I am 12). Fast-forward a decade plus later, and all of a sudden 12 is like.. meh.

My birthday this year (in)conveniently falls at a rather peculiar time.. what with my dad being away, me having exams during that period, and right after my exams, I will be whisked off to China for almost a month! So my family didnt really have much choice but to give me a birthday dinner TWO WEEKS in advance. But it was, nevertheless, a touching and happy dinner tonight.

Mom planned it at Chilli's, Bangsar. Was looking forward to seeing the German Shepherd that normally does its rounds there at night but unfortunately tonight, I didnt get a chance to even catch a glimpse of it. 

Going back to the dinner, I felt very blessed spending dinner at a posh restaurant with my family and everyone giving me their own little memorabilia for my 21st. My mom and dad got me a necklace weeks back AND an iPhone 4 today. Grandma and second aunt gave me angpaos while first aunt got me TWO sets of earrings. Something I actually wanted but did not have the heart to say it out. I was honestly very very happy to receive her gift as I dont normally get pretty earrings. 

Having said all that, more than anything else, I feel really grateful to have my mom and dad. They have raised me thus far to be the person that I am today. I am no perfect being, but I am aware of that, and that is one step closer to working to be the best person I can ever be. There are still a lot of things I need to work on about myself.. and I wish my parents knew how much I appreciate them for being patient and tolerant with me. I take them for granted so very often, and they still forgive and love me just the same. 

My aunts, my grandma and my brother are equally appreciated for being there to celebrate my 21st tonight. 

I still remember my brother being an ass, a thorn under my skin, back when we were kids. Looking back now, I am beginning to be grateful for having a brother like him. Though we may not like the same type of foods, and we do get jealous at what the other gets, he is still my brother and nothing can change that. We were raised in the same house by the same parents in somewhat the same manner for 18 years and it is no surprise that we have so much similar thoughts and views. Although we dont talk much because of our own 'busy' lives, but when we do talk, I know my brother is someone that I can count on and understand me. 

I admit.. there is a part of me that feels missing, but really.. I cant ask for more. 

And here's to being an adult. Like finally. 

  

My Friends

I cant describe how much love and gratitude I feel right now. I have never felt this blessed for a long time and it really doesnt matter if certain aspects of my life are worse off than others. At the very least, in the past few months, I have been walking a journey to discover what true friendships really mean. Not to say that there is a stereotype mould for who deserves to be called your best friend.

What i found is that everyone has such unique striking personalities that makes them who they are. If you can truly appreciate the beauty of them as they are, you respect them for them, you are there for them when they are down - indeed, you are a friend. The tricky part is in distinguishing whether a friend is really a friend or someone who just spends time with you for the fun (aka "laughing friends").

Thankfully, I have rarely encountered such people. Most of the friends I know are genuine. And I hope things will not change for a long long time. Even as I type this, names are running across my mind. You know who you are, some may not even know this blog exists, some do. It's alright, doesnt really matter. I just want you to know how grateful I am to have found the meaning of friendship in each and everyone of you. Thank you for cheering me on when I am down, for listening and only listen to my rants and raves, for giving me the most random of messages and sms-es, for knowing what I have to go through and still, pretend that everything is okay, for giving me strength to pass each day, for taking me out and giving me the time of my life, for giving me generous compliments (which actually does wonders to my day) and for all the countless little little memories every single individual is capable of giving. All of y'll are the reasons I smile each day. Given the opportunity, I want to do the same for you.

I guess that is what makes friendships unique. They spark you to be better, they make you laugh, they make you realise that life is bursting with colours. In fact, friendship is very much like love and relationships, except that friendship can be shared by many while.. relationships are preferably shared by two.

My friends.. have shown me that there is so much more to this world than one person. That the world is indeed at my feet and it is truly up to me, to decide where and what I want to do with my life.

Fidelity

Dont get me wrong. I have nothing against lovey-dovey couples, nothing against marriage vows and no, I have never been cheated on before (or at least, from what I know).

But the topic of faithfulness has been roaring in my head for some time. I have never really seen anyone outright cheat their significant other before (goes to show how pure and blessed my life is). But these things never go without wondering. Only one year ago, I talked about how infidelity can ruin a marriage, or rather the ugleh-ness of cheating.

BUT, I never thought that.. perhaps being faithful to one partner throughout your life can be as difficult as opting to only eat rice and nothing but rice as your staple from the time you are born till your last breath. Think of it!

Everyone wants a faithful partner. Well, anyone who is in a stable, happy relationship would. Who wants to share their good stuff with someone else, anyway?! Yet, not every one can stick to their side of the bargain when things are tough. Intentions asides, how do you draw the line between being "just friends" or cheating on your partner? Going out for a drink with a friend is normal, but what if you think that girl/guy is hot? Can that be considered a semi-date? How about offering a girl a ride back home? Any gentleman would do that.. (and I am sure any girl would appreciate it), but what if you are already married?

I think it goes back to the expectations of the parties involved in that relationship. Every relationship is different, just like how every family has different traditions and behaviors. My mom might be okay with me not cleaning my room but somewhere else in this world, some other girl may be nagged, scolded, punished even, if her room is left to collect dust even for a day! Likewise, in relationships, it is important to make sure that everyone involved enters into the circle with their eyes wide open. If everyone consents and is happy, so be it. Doesnt really matter whether a relationship is for two or three (or even more.)

Going back to the topic of fidelity, I used to think that it is very important that my husband-to-be must be faithful to me. If I ever caught him having an affair, I would divorce him. After all, what is there left to work on if he didnt treasure me enough to abstain from flirting with other girls and whatnot. I asked my mom that question.. and was very surprised to hear her response. She told me that she would still remain in the marriage. As long as he still cares for her, as long as he still maintains the family, as long as he loves the kids, what more can we expect? I really couldnt accept her reasoning at that point of time. Faithfulness was THAT important to me back then. But looking back now, my views have somewhat changed. No, not to the extent that I would let any guy I date or marry to hang out with any girl as they wish or send flirty texts to them behind my back. I still hold onto my principle that a relationship should be monogamous and nothing else. Why else should it be called a relationship then?

But IFFFF... if, your significant other ever cheats on you, maybe it is a wake-up call. To realise what has been going wrong in the marriage or relationship. There will always be problems, issues and dilemmas in this world. Infidelity is just ONE of those many, many problems.

Humans might be programmed to be greedy and selfish. But even so, people in happy relationships almost never think of hurting their other half by doing things behind their back. I am aware there is a minority who are programmed cheaters but let's just leave them out of this discussion. (My principle is to treat playboys as friends and nothing else but friends. That way, it saves you from lots of disappointment and heartbreak). Anyways, going back to what I was saying.. There is probably a loophole in your relationship if you or your other half is seeking for company other than each other. For me, a relationship is a healthy and good one if both parties can enjoy each other's company, and there is openness, respect, and honesty in the way they behave to each other. If all that is absent in a relationship, it is nothing but a recipe for disaster. You start to seek friends instead of your partner for company, when you feel down you withdraw in your shell instead of sharing your thoughts with your partner (who btw should be your best friend). You start hanging out with your single guy/girl friends discussing how hot that chic or dude is. And when you finally meet someone you think you can connect with, you let things gradually take it's course. And if things continue to not improve with your other half, you start to seek the company and warmth of a fresh new relationship with your new found "friend". He/she seems to know how you feel. Your gf/bf is such an ass - he/she keeps bugging you the whole day. And the more you withdraw from your relationship, the more you get drawn into this new friendship.

I just want to say.. relationships are precious. Dont take the people around you for granted. At one point of time, this was once the most important person in your life. And if you choose to forego this for something fresh and new, it is your choice. It might be a good choice but it may equally be an unwise decision as well. Because everything that is new is almost always good. Only the test of time can reveal many other things about a person.

I dont think infidelity is the main issue in a relationship, seriously. Anyone is prone to cheat on their partner. But what matters more is how you act responsibly for your actions. If you did something, own up to it. Dont prolong things and end up hurting EVERYONE involved by abusing their trust. I think that is the one thing worse than cheating itself. #justsaying

The Right One

A reader asked me how I would differentiate Mr Right from Mr Alright.

Upon reading that question, I imagined that it would be very easy for me to answer. After all, I always blog about relationships, always harp about true love and never fail to talk about finding the right one. But one sentence later, I found myself typing and backspacing. Not really knowing how to explain who is Mr Right.

I realised after a few moments that I couldnt really paint out a picture of who he is. Everybody would have their own definition.. and in this entry, I will tell you about mine. But.. I cant tell you what he looks like, what his hobby is, where he lives, how he dresses, and what his life goals are. I cant tell you that I only fall for a certain type of guy. Nor can I say that Mr Right is the ultimate guy that fulfills all the requirements in my checklist. I wanted to say that it is about the feeling - that if it feels right, then he probably is right. But I held back from saying that as well, because even lust can feel right, at the beginning.

So, to reply your question, I can only say that Mr Right is not Mr Alright simply because he stands out from the others. Maybe it's the way he shrugs his shoulder when he replies a question, or the way he expresses himself in words. It could be the way he responds to the things that you say. Or even the things he does not say. Whatever it is, you feel drawn by his presence. You look forward to every second that you spend with him, even if it is to do the most mundane of things. You find yourself laughing, simply from being in his presence. And you smile foolishly to yourself when you recall the happy times spent with him. You seek his company because you know that every encounter will be as fulfilling as the previous one.

Actions and the conduct of a person often reveals much about a person, even if not all. From his actions, if he is someone you can trust and depend on, it becomes an additional point. If he is someone who treats people with respect, not just the person he is after, but to everyone around him, he becomes that much more attractive. If he has an eye for romance and spontaneity, who can resist?

Another thing I feel is somewhat necessary is the meeting of the minds. Although people do say that opposites attract, personally I prefer to believe that we can only sustain a relationship if both parties hold onto similar values and were raised in similar family backgrounds. True, there are many successful marriages and relationships out there which thrive on the uniqueness and differences between the two parties.. I do not and will never doubt the authenticity of such relationships. But I still stand firm to my ground that for a relationship to work, both parties must believe in the same things. For me, honesty and responsibility are important qualities. I can tolerate other weaknesses but if my significant other ever abuses my trust, I am not sure if things can ever work out from there. So if I ever do find someone, it would probably be someone who hold onto similar values as me.

And even having said all that, these things might not be enough. Because more importantly, the feeling must be mutual. *common sense much* Love.. well, it can only develop with time, can only be proven with time. And one thing I would like to add, there's no point saying I've found THE ONE if he isnt even aware of my feelings or worse still, doesnt appreciate my feelings for him, correct? ;)

So basically this sums up what I feel would make the guy of my dreams stand out from the rest. I have been told that my 'requirements' will probably eliminate 99.99% of the male population, or something like that. (And that would make me a delusional, weird, and demented spinster in my old days.) But maybe that is what makes the special one, special. Because he cannot simply be replaced.

But of course, these thoughts.. it might change with time, it might not.

One Happy Ending

Having read about how Sumiko Tan, newspaper columnist and editor, wedded her junior-college crush at the age of 40 something, I really couldnt resist blogging my thoughts about the ever so debatable topic of whether we should wait for Mr Right to come or to just grab anyone who comes along and pray he turns out to be a good family man. Sumiko met him when she was just 16, in junior-college. He got married to someone else, divorced 14 years later with one child, they meet again, fall in love, and marry. If there is any other more beautiful way a love story should unfold, this would be one of those few. Waiting for THE right one, only to settle down, and not just accepting any Mr. Alright that comes along.

But how certain can you be that these endings do happen, ALL the time. Maybe it was Sumiko's fate to really end up with her junior-college crush. Fated that he was supposed to divorce his ex-wife and to end up with Sumiko instead. But what if he NEVER divorced? What if they never met again? Would Sumiko still remain single and available now? FYI, although Sumiko may look youthful and pretty despite her age(yes, looks are deceiving!), she was already 46 when she finally wedded him!!! It would have meant that she was  kinda prepared to not marry for the rest of her life.

In fact, at one time, this is what she wrote: (something almost every single girl can relate to)

“Again, it’s not that I look on enviously at couples. I really don’t. I’m happy with my life. But once in a while, it hits me that maybe there’s something wrong with me. It doesn’t matter how I love my single life. It doesn’t matter that I have all the personal space in the world. It doesn’t matter what I’ve achieved in my career. It doesn’t matter how I know it’s better to be alone than to be alone in a marriage. It doesn’t matter that I’ve seen how marriage isn’t a binding contract or a guarantee of a happy-ever-after. It doesn’t matter how many boyfriends I’ve had or might have. It doesn’t matter if there are men who care for my well-being. The fact remains that I am not married, and I say this not in a self-pitying way but as an acknowledgment of a, to me, puzzling fact. And the fact remains that no one has been mad enough about me – and I for him – for us to embark on a journey together. The fact remains that no matter how fun singlehood is, there are nights when I lie in my nice big bed all by my lonesome self (well, actually my dog sleeps with me), and think: Is there something wrong with me? Is this all there is to life? Why aren’t I married? Am I not good enough? Am I not lovable enough? Am I not capable of loving deeply and permanently? Have I been too fussy? Do I have bad karma? Don’t I deserve more? My mother was married, my sister is married, Michelle Obama is married, the woman who cleans the office pantry is married, so many ‘normal’ women are married, why not me? Have I failed as a woman? Am I inadequate?”

As mentioned by one of the bloggers, Sumiko did write a lot about old age and loneliness throughout her stint as a columnist. Finally meeting THE ONE for her was like a bonus. Something she never expected to happen.

I would like to know.. how many people would actually wait for the right one only to settle down.

Would you accept any Tom, Dick or Harry just so you can escape the ever so scary social stigma of being labelled SINGLE and UNMARRIED at mid-life? Would you still wait for someone even if he has settled down? Would you still continue to wait for someone if he says that all he needs is time?

Good guys can turn bad. And likewise, the jerks can turn out to be one of the best people you have ever met (of course that is if he attempts to be a better person!). We dont really know how our life will turn out, dont know who we will be with, dont know who we really love, until.. it happens.

Standing at a crossroad, I realise that I have two options. To stay or to walk away. But I will never know the story of the other when I walk down the path of one.

I feel happy for Sumiko, that she finally found the one who she felt was worthwhile marrying to. I can imagine that feeling. It is beyond bliss. And perhaps, that hope of experiencing that feeling is the one thing that keeps everyone holding on.. waiting for Mr Right to appear, even when there are so many Mr Alrights around.

As for me, this topic will never end, not until I get my happy ending. It's just that stories like how Sumiko and Hurricane end up together after so many years, well.. are just too motivating to not share.



On a separate note, the phonecall was really like a dream.

Comfort Zone

Almost one year ago, I was thrown out of my comfort zone. Dont ask me how. If you stalk my blog posts enough, you will have an idea.

Comfort zone is that condition when you feel safe. You dont feel the need to change nor to improve yourself, simply because you are happy and satisfied with the situation that you are in. As human beings, we tend to remain complacent when things are going great for us. Why bother working harder when you have so many good stuff at hand? Totally relatable.

But what most people dont realise is that the most valuable lessons are learnt when you are pushed beyond that safe little zone. When you dont feel certain and secure of getting something, you start to appreciate its value. And when you realise how important it is to you, only then you will work for it.

As quoted by Les Brown,

If you put yourself in a position where you have to stretch outside your comfort zone, then you are forced to expand your consciousness.  

And it is only when you dont feel so sure of getting something, that you will start putting in conscious effort to get it. You strive to become better, you analyze your faults, you push yourself to be better than yourself.

The idea is really simple. *Note: Image obtained from Pucks and Puzzle Pieces

You have the comfort zone. And when you cross that border, you enter the learning zone. This yellow zone is where you go beyond your boundaries and actually learn from being placed outside your comfortable normal life settings. And it is quite a far way to go before it enters the anxiety zone.

I've been through that process. It wasnt voluntarily, but I endured it nevertheless. And I've come out with no regrets. There are many instances in life when we have no choice but to go through a very difficult stage of our life. But when we manage to pull through it, we eventually come out as winners in our own eyes.

But sometimes, if you realise it yourself, why do you have to wait for something to happen before you wake up and realise? Why isnt it possible to just get up this instant and make yourself a better person?

Life is Short

Apparently, one of my seniors passed away this evening. It was a car accident.

Goes to show how people can be in your life one moment and be gone for eternity, the next. Your life can disappear in a flash. Maybe if i was closer to him, his death would affect me even more. But even as it is, his death is still nevertheless, a shock to me. I wonder how I would feel if that person who left this world wasnt him but was someone closer to me. People whom I had shared good and bad memories, people I wish I had that one last chance to talk to with, people who I wish knew how important they are to me, or even, a simple apology to every one out there whom I have shown a black face to, or got pissed off at.

And then the thought lingers to.. me.

What would I do if I die tomorrow?

Have I done everything I want to? Can I be certain that I would die with a smile on my face?

Then you realise that when life is short, your priorities in life change. You arent going after that job promotion anymore. Stress is just a word. Getting the recognition or a certain status, be it social or work, suddenly doesnt matter so much anymore.

For me, I think I would regret the other more candid stuff in life.

I wish that I didnt miss that opportunity to go up a hot-air balloon with you.
Going for another trip somewhere, just my mom and I.
Telling my mom I love her.
Making a change in the lives of others, no matter how small.
Eating my hearts content.
Living life, instead of rushing life.
Hugging Metta every single day before going out.
Swimming in the sea.

Maybe if I realise that life is short and that it is a gift given to us by God that can be taken away from us anytime, maybe I will realise that sometimes we just have to let what's bothering us go. Just live in the moment. Take risks. I dont mean being rash, but rather.. grabbing any opportunities we have that comes along our way for we never know when that opportunity may ever come round again.

Appreciate those who love you and love them back in return.

Laugh out loud.

Take breaks off from work just so you can do something random.

Forget grudges.

Accept your feelings, embrace them.

And maybe that's what I shall start to do. Live a little more. Play a little more. Laugh a little more. Hopefully I will have no regrets when MY time comes.



P.S. I hope you rest in peace. I might never have spoken to you in person but I know you were an awesome person in life. 

I wish, love was true. That for every heart that is broken in this world, there will be another heart that is found and healed.

I wish, lust is a lie. And that behind every passionate kiss, there is at least an ounce of honest feeling.

I wish, to love and to be loved, would be difficult. But not too difficult that it kills an innocent heart, time after time.

I wish life could be as easy as working hard for what you want. Because when some things arent meant to be, it can really break your heart.

I wish unrequited love never existed. Wouldnt life be easier if everyone who is loved, loves the people who love them the same way in return?

I wish everyone is lucky enough to get their Mr/Miss Right to be their first love.

I wish there was honesty and sincerity in the intentions of everyone.

I wish people could reverse their actions just so they can amend their mistakes in the past. And make the present just right.

But all these are only wishes. And we all know that wishes only come true in fairy tales. WE.. dont live in a fairy tale where the princess always gets her prince. No, in reality.. wishes do not always come true.

In Their Shoes

It's never been easy to not judge someone based on their looks, behavior, outlook in life, the things they do and so on so forth. Actions, after all, are the clearest indication of what a person feels or thinks about a certain subject matter. And hence, most people would say that it is fair enough that we interpret a person based on their character and the things they do and how they behave in life.

I would too. It is only the next most sensible thing to do. After all, people decide the person you are based on the things you have or have not achieved in life.

A drug addict finds it harder to be employed simply because most employees would fear that he might fall into the same old circle again and cause them more trouble in their employment.

Most people would turn down a poor homeless guy for fear that he might spread some communicable disease to them, especially if he looks filthy with unkempt hair, and clothes that look like they have never touched detergent in their life.

Once a cheater, always a cheater, the saying goes. Your wife/girlfriend might never be able to trust you the same way again.

But do we really have the right to decide what type of person one is simply by their past (or even, their present) actions? Is it really fair to them? After all, what we see is the surface. And ONLY the surface, nothing more. We will never know their true thoughts nor their intentions regardless whether it is good or bad. We might not know the things that this person had to go through which has led to his eventual choices in his life. And most importantly, we must not ever underestimate the feelings of that person, thinking them to be trivial or merely an illusion.

What I am trying to say is that there can be many reasons a person chooses to behave in one way and not another. It is easy to tell someone to do something, but being the actual person doing it is altogether a different matter.

It takes strength to come to a decision on a difficult matter but what is more difficult is sticking to that decision.

I shall end this post with a quote from Brian Tracy, a self-help and motivational author.

Your decision to be, have and do something out of ordinary entails facing difficulties that are out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else.

English Class

The news article.

The comment:

I dont see what the big deal is. All men pay for sex and all women have sex for money. Prostitution is just the direct method of doing so. How many wives or girlfriends will stay with a man if she's not getting anything out of it? Sex is not a big deal for women, they can get sex whenever they want so of course they are going to want something in return. I would rather have a prostitute at a set price than a woman that is manipulating and using me in an attempt to get what she wants. Dealings with prostitutes is probably the only truly honest transaction most men will ever have with a woman.

My response:

(Mr Ananda, our new English teacher required us to give a written response on the matter)

The person who wrote that comment is clearly a man which has been burnt by a past relationship. His comment is very bias and does no justice to both men and women alike. It is not fair for him to generalize all men and women and accuse women of being with a man simply with the agenda of getting something.

To a certain extent, I am angered by his comments (I must assume he is male considering the things he has to say about women. It is highly unlikely that a woman would say those things about her gender) as they have no grounds and are merely accusatory. He may have been hurt before but this is no excuse for equating one tree to the entire forest.

Perhaps he has forgotten the countless of women who are stuck in failed marriages where they constantly face sexual and domestic abuse on a daily basis. Women that actually slave for their family while their husbands laze around at home drinking beer or gambling the hard-earned money away. Women that give in to their husbands decision simply because they LOVE and respect them. Women that continue to tolerate their philandering husbands while they patiently wait for them at home.

Of course not all women lead such unfortunate lives but I felt the necessity to point out the other side of the coin that he failed to point out. The person who wrote that comment did not consider many other unjust circumstances which are faced by the fairer sex.

He questions how many wives or girlfriends will stay with a man if she’s not getting anything out of it. He confidently states that sex is NOT a big deal for women. Dear Mr-Being-Hurt-before-and-is-now-out-to-get-all-the-women, not every wife or girlfriend stays with a man just to get ‘something’. Most would do it simply out of love! If you consider building a family together, sharing a life together, receiving love and tenderness from the one you love as getting "something" then, I shall concede. But it would then mean that it doesnt just mean that only wives and girlfriends are capable of being such people. It would mean that the entire of humankind is behaving in that sense too! If getting love can be considered as something, then why cant the fact that men seeking for sex (he admitted it himself) should be considered as getting something from women as well?! Clearly, it would be blasphemy to say that all women take and all men give. Because the actual fact is both men and women give and receive in a relationship. There is no fixed giver or receiver.

His comment is horrifyingly unjust and each sentence, I read with gross disgust at the injustice of the words he uses against women. Men can be equally cruel to women – taking advantage of the feelings some women have towards them. Why is he venting out such a one-sided perspective?

I would say of everything he said, the only thing that makes better sense than the rest of the comments is the last two sentences when he views prostitution more as a contractual transaction. But it is only to that extent that I agree with him.

The Epiphany

Alright, so I have been down in the dumps for faaaar too long, in my honest opinion.

But a thought just occurred to me. And I realised that there is no point fretting over the small stuff. I guess everyone has been saying it to me all along.. dont read too much into things, be grateful for all the other happy things that you have in your life, that life still has to go on, yada yada. These things are always true but how often do we hear it and let it out from the other ear. Loads of times, right?

It hit me this evening.. I only have one life. I want to be happy. But I cant expect others to make me happy when I myself is not happy. I have wasted my one week of precious holiday by being sad but what has it done to me? Nothing, except make me lose 1kg. haha. A tiny fleck of dust, even, will look enormous under a microscope. But when you choose to see it as it is - in reality, you will realise that the little lint of dust is nothing compared to other things.

I'm not gonna pretend that my life is perfect and all. Yet, this doesnt give me a reason to sulk and be sad. I want to be grateful for all the other things in life that has and will give me opportunities to smile.

I'm glad I got to meet so many wonderful people from the Incovar camp who never fail to be a good friend when you need one.

Also grateful to have met new friends at Paws Mission who along with their presence, created lots of fond memories to be remembered. These friends.. though we come from so different backgrounds, are still able to bond and have a fun time together. Love every minute being with all of you.

Old friends from almost a decade ago, still being able to talk with easy banter... that's happiness too right?

And not to forget, my family.. especially my mom who never fails to care for me. You rock the most.

I am not dead, so I should stop acting like a dead corpse. It's never too late to be happy. And this is what I resolve to be.

The Right Thing To Do

I remember not too long ago, I wrote that there is actually no right or wrong in life. That no matter what you do, you just have to follow your heart. And as long as your heart says its right, it's right. Funny how it's so much easier to give advice to others but not to yourself. Even realising that there is no right or wrong does not help provide me with an answer now.

A person who is special to me will always be special to me. And no one can ever change that fact. But even so, things are still capable of being complicated. I can choose to do whatever i want which would fall in the grey area... but because it is grey, i might view it as something neutral whereas others might view it as wrong. When people face these type of dilemmas, what do they do?