When Clingy is a Good Thing

Today, while CC was lying on my bedroom floor resting with me on his chest, I asked him, "Am I clingy?" 

Without a pause, he said yes. 

My heart sank a little. The word "clingy" is often associated with things like jealous, overly attached, possessive. It wasnt really new news for me; but having tried so hard not to be as sticky as my past relationship, I was a little let down that my attempt to be not so sticky had fell through. 

So I asked him, how can I be less clingy. In reply, he asked: 

"Why do you want to be less clingy?"

Random Thoughts on Relationships #1

Boyfriend is changing job, and he thinks that it is better for him to move to a place closer to his workplace (which happens to be much much further than travelling from PJ to SJ).

To begin with, I have nothing against him changing jobs. Just like how I would like him to be there for me, supporting me if one day I decide to chase my dreams, I would do the same for him. I want him to be happy in his chosen career just as much as I want a satisfying job for myself too. So there is no question of stopping him if he wants to change his job, even if it involves somewhere far off.

But it goes to the next point - how far is far enough for you to move? Presently, it takes him about 20 minutes to get to my place on average. We see each other during the weekends and spend loads of time together then. But occasionally when either of us are free, we would pop over at each other's place during the weekdays, simply to spend a wee bit more time together. I wouldnt say that the hours, minutes and seconds spent is much; but to be honest, each time he drops by for no particular reason than to be with me, it is a nice touching effort, and it does push things forward in our relationship.

The flexibility of his present (soon to be past) job did help too. He would drop by my place if he has work to settle around the area, or catch Friday lunch with me, simply because he has a long lunch hour.

Like I said, these things are not compulsory for him, and yet he does it. And it is because they are voluntary and non-obliging that makes those efforts touching and meaningful.

Maybe it is because of that I fear even more. I wonder if things have been so good that I will not be prepared for any challenges thrown our way. I think about his future (soon to be present) job; I think about the inflexibility of surprising each other on weekdays; I think of his new housemate; I think of my new life beginning in a few months. And all of a sudden, I realise there are so many uncertainties I am not sure I am ready to handle.

In a way, it reminds me of 1 April 2011. Definitely wasnt a day for jokes for me. And neither will 1 April 2014 be.

Communication will always be important to me. And for him, I guess it would be important if I can be as understanding as can be.

I will not deflect the credit I should give to him for everything he is to me so far. Ultimately, what I am trying to say is I am afraid. I know no two relationships are and ever will be the same. But what I have learnt from my past is that nothing is permanent. A person can make all the promises he/she wants in the world, but they can still be broken in the end.

Secondly, feelings are an accumulation of events being translated into an emotion. You may love a person with all your heart but when that person keeps hurting you, keeps disappointing you, and not treating you with respect, the colour of your heart fades and eventually one day, you will wonder if your heart is still a heart. I took the hard way to understand this. Because I could not see it. And it cost me a friendship, love and 4 years of a good thing to wake me up. I hope I would never do the same to you, and neither would you do the same to me too.

I do not want to ask anything more of you. You are already such a good boyfriend. You have already given me everything that I need and more. You are a great listener, a fast learner. You make jokes to cheer me up when I am down. You dont make promises, probably because you know promises can be broken just as easily as they are made. More importantly, you show your care and love through your actions. And I appreciate all that.

But it doesnt stop me from fretting, from worrying, from over-thinking.

When we started, I told myself not to get myself emotionally attached to you, to anyone. It is only when I stepped into this relationship that I realised getting emotionally attached is inevitably unavoidable. That if you start to fall for someone, you are already getting yourself entwined with their life. And once you are already steady, it is only natural that the involvement, both emotionally and physically, will increase. And perhaps, I shall resign myself to the next best thing I can do which is to know the boundaries of my feelings.

My writing is rusty but at least I feel better tonight. Also grateful the rain has returned. And constantly grateful I have you and my mom in my life. Can only hope for the best, remain positive and continue to appreciate every moment spent with you.

Till then.

A Memo For You

It's not that I dont miss you but rather, it's the fear of how much I am capable of missing you that holds me back from thinking of you altogether. Been busy with my revision for my exams so if I am going to make this the last post of 2012, might as well make it an honest and genuine one.

I no longer count the days of how long since we have talked but I guess it must have been pretty long (for our standards) since the last time we talked briefly was more than one month ago. It's funny how you can still think of a person so persistently when you have no contact with a person at all. Perhaps it is the past memories playing its mischief, maybe it is the hope that one day fate still hopes something for us, maybe it is just the chemistry we had and how well we played it, that is keeping my memory of us alive. But even so, the days together are fast fading. But like I said before, even if they do fade, they will fade with the quality of how antiques are highly-prized. Like how a soiled letter from years ago will always be treasured despite its form.

Sometimes on days when I sit back and actually think about you, I wonder how your life has been, whether you are happy, sometimes contemplating the what-ifs. That day I saw the sports headline stating that Chelsea  no longer wants Lampard and I instinctively thought of you. Sometimes I would wonder if you are moving along with your life, and if you are going through the same motions of life as I am.

I have been doing good. Sometimes when I reflect on myself, I realise that I am more of the person I used to be before we were together. More carefree, playful and forgiving. It's not that I blame you for anything but I guess everyone has an effect on the people around them. For me, you were like my rock that I could lean on in times of trouble. Hence, my incredible dependence on you, and subsequently the possessiveness and obsessiveness. You always gave in to me and resorted to many things just to please my whims and fancies. These days, I laugh at the same mistakes you used to do, done by other people, instead of throwing a fit. Sometimes I amuse myself with thinking you annoy me better than they do. And sometimes, just sometimes I wonder if things would have been any different if I had learnt FASTER and EARLIER.

These days I divert myself with the many things in my life. Friends, activities, trips, examinations. I wonder if you are occupied just the same. Most likely. I feel that maybe this time it might be different. That maybe you are really gone for good. But what else can I do but to let you go when I have already clung so tightly for so long?

Bygones shall remain bygones. I know there is nothing we can do about the past because it has already been set in stone. There is also little we can do about the present and the future except relish it.

***

Having said that, I am grateful for every friend that has stepped into my life. Each one giving me a different definition of the word "friends".

I have so many things to say to you. Just like everything else, my feelings for you since the last day I saw you has shifted – first from the desperation of knowing I will not see you for a long time, then the hurt to watch you drive away, the pain and grief in realizing that I have devoted so much for a person who can barely even consider me as a friend, the betrayal when I see the picture of how you spent your last night in PJ before coming to the realization that I have hurt too much for too long. It isn’t the kind of perpetual hurt where you wake up each morning of your day with a sore in your heart, but rather, the kind of pain you get from climbing too high up with the hope to reach the sky. But we forget that no matter how high we climb, we can never reach the sky. And even the slightest mistake can make you fall hard and painful on the ground.

And then, the message I didn’t expect came. It was from a boy who I once knew, loved and hurt. The message did not contain anything new but it was nevertheless comforting to read. An honest confession of his circumstances, an apology, a promise, and the words I ever longed to hear, that he loves me. But just as it was comforting, I could not understand the reasons for what he admitted in his message. Coupled with the hurt, resentment and grief I had just experienced the day before, the message just left me entirely confused.

If you love someone, you will wish them the best of the world. But wishing is not enough. I wanted to be the one by his side when he wakes up from his dream filled with darkness and mystery. I did not want to let go of what we had shared for so many years especially knowing that he had not given up on me when I was at one of my worst. I wanted and still wish I could be the one that proves to him that there is still goodness in this world, to let him learn again to express himself. To share his smile and laughter like we once did before.

There are days when I think you are a jerk. I would tell myself that people change.. and the boy I once fell in love with is no more the same person. On better days, when we talk, I know that he still exists; still alive within that shell I no longer recognize. But I cannot; I cannot always forgive the jerk in you for the good things the person I love did. They are not the same people and they never will be! 

And finally, after so many months, I realize that I cannot be the one that wakes you up. Because by waiting like this, I am not only hurting myself; I am also hurting us. You need to realize the problem yourself and stir from it. I know, walking away at this point may very well be stupid and in a way, disloyal. But I never wanted to do this, not even as I write this out. I have faith in you and always will. But your actions hurt me very badly. I know there is a possibility that you may wake up one day, without me. And maybe then, you will learn to love again with someone else. I wish the latter doesnt happen but there is a high chance that is how things will turn out. But there really isnt any other choice. I have done everything I could and the only thing I got was a broken heart. 

  

Blogging has often been something that comes naturally to me. I feel, I think, and then I put them out in words. Simple.

But with this entry, I find myself struggling to find the right words to express myself. When you are overwhelmed with emotions, sometimes you realise that no words can do justice to your thoughts and feelings. This entry is probably one of those instances.

More than one year ago, I blogged about how fairy tales give us blind faith. I was left broken, because the one person I did love did not believe that things were working out. I didnt realise that we had been quarelling almost every other day for about a year before things had eventually ended. As naive as it sounds, I believed that he would always be there for me, simply because he always had been. But when he left, I felt like a little girl lost in the forest, all alone. I was on my own.

It has been some time since that day. The past week.. if I may say, has been somewhat surreal. It has been everything I could ever have dreamed of in a happy dream. And in fact, much more. It almost feels like how it used to be, when we had first fell in love, so many years ago. And unlike how things were like when we ended, I no longer take the things he does for me for granted. Every single thing he does for me, is something that makes my day that much better. We talk easy, just like how we used to. It no longer feels like a one-sided thing that I had been pursuing for the past one year. I feel happy, I feel wanted, I feel loved, in his presence. And that is all I could ever ask for.

And though I say this is a dream, I hope that I will never have to wake up from this dream. I cant deny, I am afraid..

[Edited]
But whatever it is, I will just let things take it's course. This, after all, has never really been in my hands. 

Fidelity

Dont get me wrong. I have nothing against lovey-dovey couples, nothing against marriage vows and no, I have never been cheated on before (or at least, from what I know).

But the topic of faithfulness has been roaring in my head for some time. I have never really seen anyone outright cheat their significant other before (goes to show how pure and blessed my life is). But these things never go without wondering. Only one year ago, I talked about how infidelity can ruin a marriage, or rather the ugleh-ness of cheating.

BUT, I never thought that.. perhaps being faithful to one partner throughout your life can be as difficult as opting to only eat rice and nothing but rice as your staple from the time you are born till your last breath. Think of it!

Everyone wants a faithful partner. Well, anyone who is in a stable, happy relationship would. Who wants to share their good stuff with someone else, anyway?! Yet, not every one can stick to their side of the bargain when things are tough. Intentions asides, how do you draw the line between being "just friends" or cheating on your partner? Going out for a drink with a friend is normal, but what if you think that girl/guy is hot? Can that be considered a semi-date? How about offering a girl a ride back home? Any gentleman would do that.. (and I am sure any girl would appreciate it), but what if you are already married?

I think it goes back to the expectations of the parties involved in that relationship. Every relationship is different, just like how every family has different traditions and behaviors. My mom might be okay with me not cleaning my room but somewhere else in this world, some other girl may be nagged, scolded, punished even, if her room is left to collect dust even for a day! Likewise, in relationships, it is important to make sure that everyone involved enters into the circle with their eyes wide open. If everyone consents and is happy, so be it. Doesnt really matter whether a relationship is for two or three (or even more.)

Going back to the topic of fidelity, I used to think that it is very important that my husband-to-be must be faithful to me. If I ever caught him having an affair, I would divorce him. After all, what is there left to work on if he didnt treasure me enough to abstain from flirting with other girls and whatnot. I asked my mom that question.. and was very surprised to hear her response. She told me that she would still remain in the marriage. As long as he still cares for her, as long as he still maintains the family, as long as he loves the kids, what more can we expect? I really couldnt accept her reasoning at that point of time. Faithfulness was THAT important to me back then. But looking back now, my views have somewhat changed. No, not to the extent that I would let any guy I date or marry to hang out with any girl as they wish or send flirty texts to them behind my back. I still hold onto my principle that a relationship should be monogamous and nothing else. Why else should it be called a relationship then?

But IFFFF... if, your significant other ever cheats on you, maybe it is a wake-up call. To realise what has been going wrong in the marriage or relationship. There will always be problems, issues and dilemmas in this world. Infidelity is just ONE of those many, many problems.

Humans might be programmed to be greedy and selfish. But even so, people in happy relationships almost never think of hurting their other half by doing things behind their back. I am aware there is a minority who are programmed cheaters but let's just leave them out of this discussion. (My principle is to treat playboys as friends and nothing else but friends. That way, it saves you from lots of disappointment and heartbreak). Anyways, going back to what I was saying.. There is probably a loophole in your relationship if you or your other half is seeking for company other than each other. For me, a relationship is a healthy and good one if both parties can enjoy each other's company, and there is openness, respect, and honesty in the way they behave to each other. If all that is absent in a relationship, it is nothing but a recipe for disaster. You start to seek friends instead of your partner for company, when you feel down you withdraw in your shell instead of sharing your thoughts with your partner (who btw should be your best friend). You start hanging out with your single guy/girl friends discussing how hot that chic or dude is. And when you finally meet someone you think you can connect with, you let things gradually take it's course. And if things continue to not improve with your other half, you start to seek the company and warmth of a fresh new relationship with your new found "friend". He/she seems to know how you feel. Your gf/bf is such an ass - he/she keeps bugging you the whole day. And the more you withdraw from your relationship, the more you get drawn into this new friendship.

I just want to say.. relationships are precious. Dont take the people around you for granted. At one point of time, this was once the most important person in your life. And if you choose to forego this for something fresh and new, it is your choice. It might be a good choice but it may equally be an unwise decision as well. Because everything that is new is almost always good. Only the test of time can reveal many other things about a person.

I dont think infidelity is the main issue in a relationship, seriously. Anyone is prone to cheat on their partner. But what matters more is how you act responsibly for your actions. If you did something, own up to it. Dont prolong things and end up hurting EVERYONE involved by abusing their trust. I think that is the one thing worse than cheating itself. #justsaying

The Right One

A reader asked me how I would differentiate Mr Right from Mr Alright.

Upon reading that question, I imagined that it would be very easy for me to answer. After all, I always blog about relationships, always harp about true love and never fail to talk about finding the right one. But one sentence later, I found myself typing and backspacing. Not really knowing how to explain who is Mr Right.

I realised after a few moments that I couldnt really paint out a picture of who he is. Everybody would have their own definition.. and in this entry, I will tell you about mine. But.. I cant tell you what he looks like, what his hobby is, where he lives, how he dresses, and what his life goals are. I cant tell you that I only fall for a certain type of guy. Nor can I say that Mr Right is the ultimate guy that fulfills all the requirements in my checklist. I wanted to say that it is about the feeling - that if it feels right, then he probably is right. But I held back from saying that as well, because even lust can feel right, at the beginning.

So, to reply your question, I can only say that Mr Right is not Mr Alright simply because he stands out from the others. Maybe it's the way he shrugs his shoulder when he replies a question, or the way he expresses himself in words. It could be the way he responds to the things that you say. Or even the things he does not say. Whatever it is, you feel drawn by his presence. You look forward to every second that you spend with him, even if it is to do the most mundane of things. You find yourself laughing, simply from being in his presence. And you smile foolishly to yourself when you recall the happy times spent with him. You seek his company because you know that every encounter will be as fulfilling as the previous one.

Actions and the conduct of a person often reveals much about a person, even if not all. From his actions, if he is someone you can trust and depend on, it becomes an additional point. If he is someone who treats people with respect, not just the person he is after, but to everyone around him, he becomes that much more attractive. If he has an eye for romance and spontaneity, who can resist?

Another thing I feel is somewhat necessary is the meeting of the minds. Although people do say that opposites attract, personally I prefer to believe that we can only sustain a relationship if both parties hold onto similar values and were raised in similar family backgrounds. True, there are many successful marriages and relationships out there which thrive on the uniqueness and differences between the two parties.. I do not and will never doubt the authenticity of such relationships. But I still stand firm to my ground that for a relationship to work, both parties must believe in the same things. For me, honesty and responsibility are important qualities. I can tolerate other weaknesses but if my significant other ever abuses my trust, I am not sure if things can ever work out from there. So if I ever do find someone, it would probably be someone who hold onto similar values as me.

And even having said all that, these things might not be enough. Because more importantly, the feeling must be mutual. *common sense much* Love.. well, it can only develop with time, can only be proven with time. And one thing I would like to add, there's no point saying I've found THE ONE if he isnt even aware of my feelings or worse still, doesnt appreciate my feelings for him, correct? ;)

So basically this sums up what I feel would make the guy of my dreams stand out from the rest. I have been told that my 'requirements' will probably eliminate 99.99% of the male population, or something like that. (And that would make me a delusional, weird, and demented spinster in my old days.) But maybe that is what makes the special one, special. Because he cannot simply be replaced.

But of course, these thoughts.. it might change with time, it might not.

One Happy Ending

Having read about how Sumiko Tan, newspaper columnist and editor, wedded her junior-college crush at the age of 40 something, I really couldnt resist blogging my thoughts about the ever so debatable topic of whether we should wait for Mr Right to come or to just grab anyone who comes along and pray he turns out to be a good family man. Sumiko met him when she was just 16, in junior-college. He got married to someone else, divorced 14 years later with one child, they meet again, fall in love, and marry. If there is any other more beautiful way a love story should unfold, this would be one of those few. Waiting for THE right one, only to settle down, and not just accepting any Mr. Alright that comes along.

But how certain can you be that these endings do happen, ALL the time. Maybe it was Sumiko's fate to really end up with her junior-college crush. Fated that he was supposed to divorce his ex-wife and to end up with Sumiko instead. But what if he NEVER divorced? What if they never met again? Would Sumiko still remain single and available now? FYI, although Sumiko may look youthful and pretty despite her age(yes, looks are deceiving!), she was already 46 when she finally wedded him!!! It would have meant that she was  kinda prepared to not marry for the rest of her life.

In fact, at one time, this is what she wrote: (something almost every single girl can relate to)

“Again, it’s not that I look on enviously at couples. I really don’t. I’m happy with my life. But once in a while, it hits me that maybe there’s something wrong with me. It doesn’t matter how I love my single life. It doesn’t matter that I have all the personal space in the world. It doesn’t matter what I’ve achieved in my career. It doesn’t matter how I know it’s better to be alone than to be alone in a marriage. It doesn’t matter that I’ve seen how marriage isn’t a binding contract or a guarantee of a happy-ever-after. It doesn’t matter how many boyfriends I’ve had or might have. It doesn’t matter if there are men who care for my well-being. The fact remains that I am not married, and I say this not in a self-pitying way but as an acknowledgment of a, to me, puzzling fact. And the fact remains that no one has been mad enough about me – and I for him – for us to embark on a journey together. The fact remains that no matter how fun singlehood is, there are nights when I lie in my nice big bed all by my lonesome self (well, actually my dog sleeps with me), and think: Is there something wrong with me? Is this all there is to life? Why aren’t I married? Am I not good enough? Am I not lovable enough? Am I not capable of loving deeply and permanently? Have I been too fussy? Do I have bad karma? Don’t I deserve more? My mother was married, my sister is married, Michelle Obama is married, the woman who cleans the office pantry is married, so many ‘normal’ women are married, why not me? Have I failed as a woman? Am I inadequate?”

As mentioned by one of the bloggers, Sumiko did write a lot about old age and loneliness throughout her stint as a columnist. Finally meeting THE ONE for her was like a bonus. Something she never expected to happen.

I would like to know.. how many people would actually wait for the right one only to settle down.

Would you accept any Tom, Dick or Harry just so you can escape the ever so scary social stigma of being labelled SINGLE and UNMARRIED at mid-life? Would you still wait for someone even if he has settled down? Would you still continue to wait for someone if he says that all he needs is time?

Good guys can turn bad. And likewise, the jerks can turn out to be one of the best people you have ever met (of course that is if he attempts to be a better person!). We dont really know how our life will turn out, dont know who we will be with, dont know who we really love, until.. it happens.

Standing at a crossroad, I realise that I have two options. To stay or to walk away. But I will never know the story of the other when I walk down the path of one.

I feel happy for Sumiko, that she finally found the one who she felt was worthwhile marrying to. I can imagine that feeling. It is beyond bliss. And perhaps, that hope of experiencing that feeling is the one thing that keeps everyone holding on.. waiting for Mr Right to appear, even when there are so many Mr Alrights around.

As for me, this topic will never end, not until I get my happy ending. It's just that stories like how Sumiko and Hurricane end up together after so many years, well.. are just too motivating to not share.



On a separate note, the phonecall was really like a dream.

I wish, love was true. That for every heart that is broken in this world, there will be another heart that is found and healed.

I wish, lust is a lie. And that behind every passionate kiss, there is at least an ounce of honest feeling.

I wish, to love and to be loved, would be difficult. But not too difficult that it kills an innocent heart, time after time.

I wish life could be as easy as working hard for what you want. Because when some things arent meant to be, it can really break your heart.

I wish unrequited love never existed. Wouldnt life be easier if everyone who is loved, loves the people who love them the same way in return?

I wish everyone is lucky enough to get their Mr/Miss Right to be their first love.

I wish there was honesty and sincerity in the intentions of everyone.

I wish people could reverse their actions just so they can amend their mistakes in the past. And make the present just right.

But all these are only wishes. And we all know that wishes only come true in fairy tales. WE.. dont live in a fairy tale where the princess always gets her prince. No, in reality.. wishes do not always come true.

Date A Girl Who...

*Note: this entry has been refined so the meaning of my words can be expressed better.

When I read an article that was shared by a friend on Facebook, I found it both fascinating as well as amused by the way the author put perspective about girls who travel. As much as I am a girl who wishes I could travel the world, I couldnt entirely agree with what the author had to put out. She seems to be implying that girls who travel are thrifty, always on the go, forgiving, and the likes. And I cant really agree.

I know plenty of girls who travel because they can, because they have the money, and because their families always have that opportunity. No doubt, these girls have travelled much and definitely have seen a lot of the world that most of us who never travel may never see. I wouldnt say they are spendthrifts and prissy. But this does not mean that they automatically acquire qualities the author seems to equate with travelling!

Those qualities undoubtedly come from experiencing a lot from life. And it does not mean that she has to travel all over the world just to get that quality. They MIGHT. But they might also not.

Personally, I think when it comes to picking or dating a girl, no one can really tell you who to pick. Ultimately, the decision will come from yourself. If it were me, I would choose someone whom I can understand, trust and rely on even at the most difficult of times.

Choose a person who shares the same sense of humour as you. Because that would mean that you will never have to experience another awkward moment with them because no matter how embarassing or silly it was, the both of you can have a good laugh about it.

Choose a girl you almost never have to explain yourself to. Because when times are hard, she will understand (or at the least, forgive) the reason for your actions and will not badger you for the things you do. She will know how it feels like to be in your shoes, even without you asking that of her.

Choose someone you can spend the day together without saying a word. If you are both on the same wavelength, since when did words ever become necessary?

Choose someone you can spend days, weeks, even years apart, and yet when you meet, it seems like nothing had ever ended.

Choose a person you will always feel comfortable with. That would mean that the both of you have a mutual understanding of each other. You will need her when your days are sickening and you feel like you have no other reason to live.

Choose a person that you know you can always count on. Those who have earned your trust are probably the ones who have been through the thick and thin with you. And if you have found someone you know you can trust with your life, cherish them, and dont take them for granted.

Choose someone who has seen the best and the worst of you, and still think you are the best. Because that would mean that she is in love with you.

And that is how you know that she is right for you. Well, I dont have to be right. *excuse the pun* As usual, just saying my piece.

My Ideal Guy

I think this is like the most inappropriate article to write about at this time, especially when all of us are still scrambling over which notes we are supposed to read up on to prepare for land law lectures, when ALSA UM is trying really hard to regain its former activism, and when Taekwon-do GTF Club has not even been established.

But I have been wanting to write on this topic for a looooooong time already.

*drum rolls*

My Ideal Guy.

I wrote something somewhat similar a few months ago.. but at that time, the post was supposed to be more for humour than for anything else. The past few months, what with all my little self-discovery projects (volunteer work, organising events, travel, participating in everything I can get my hands on) have assisted me in finding myself and I think I have a rough idea of what type of guy I would want, if I ever do intend on getting into a relationship again. Note: Not in a hurry, every thing will fall into place in good time.

1. He must be tall, at least taller than me when I wear heels *i'm 165cm btw

I mean business here. This might sound kinda shallow but honestly, I wouldnt want to be walking with my heels, half a head taller with my guy. Think of what it will do to his ego.. and I really cant do without my heels. I love high heels..

And I think this is fair enough. It's like how some guys like big boobs, or a perky butt, or even how some girls go gaga over K-pop stars.

[rephrased] 2. He is able to effectively express himself in English.

Not expecting Mr. English Literature.. but the guy must have at the very least, a reasonable command of the English language and is able to understand puns and language jokes. Maybe it is the way I was brought up (being banana and all).. But I just find guys who speak English, more attractive. Besides, my mandarin is embarrassing!

3. Kindness and tenderness

I believe this would be a common prerequisite for most people. We all want to spend our time with people with a good heart, a kind soul.

4. Ambition and passion

Guys that know what they want from their life and enjoy what they do with it, no matter how mundane, are sexy. You can interpret the second limb howsoever you want. :p

I guess that's all, for me. I realise that as time changes, what I seek for in a guy has changed as well. No, my ideal guy doesnt need to be a dog lover.. it's enough that he is kind to animals (refer to number 3.)

Obsession and True Love

Obsession is everything true love isnt, when it comes to relationships and feelings.

Love is selflessness. You hope the best for that very person, even if the burden of the cost is on yourself.

Love is kind. You give and give - never hoping to receive anything in return.

Love is trusting. Constantly giving your loved ones the benefit of the doubt, even at the worst of times.

Love is forgiving. There will be quarrels and misunderstandings that crop up, but if there is love, they will eventually accept the other's mistake and love them just the same.

Love is understanding. You dont pick on the other's behavior because you know what it feels like to be in his shoes.

Love is empathy. You feel for him, just by the tone of his voice or his facial expression.

Love is respecting. Acknowledging that person has feelings just like you and never once behaving like you have the right to defame them, call them ugly names, or hurt them.

The circumstances may change and the phases through life may make it seemingly impossible to ever reconcile. People may move on, people might not. But I honestly believe that when you love somebody, the feelings will always remain.

I finally know what love is. But I learnt it at the expense of a break-up. I hope others can learn from my mistake. Because it is a regret that I continue to live with, even if it no longer haunts me.

Valentine's Day everybody.

Goodbye

No, not to Metta. He's improving with leaps and bounds.

But this goodbye is still, nevertheless, dedicated to someone out there. Someone who knows a lot about me, whom has seen the best and worst of me over the past five years, and have still stuck with me. But perhaps, every relationship has to run it's course, and this one too, shall I need to bid farewell.

It's sad that you can just walk away like that. I'm sorry I had to make you choose - to leave or to stay. I knew you would choose to leave. But even then, it isnt entirely easy for me to accept it.

My heart today, is stronger than it ever was. Tonight, I can take it. I shed my tears, but I will not weep. The past few months have built me to be a stronger person. I no longer need you to be by my side, no longer need you when I am sad or angry, nor do I tell you when I am very happy. The thought pops in my head to call you so very often, but the urge isnt as strong as it used to be. I guess slowly, I am weaning myself off you. And I step back to realise that after all these months, though I messed-up in the past, I have done all I could to make up for things. And if it isnt enough, I have no one to blame. No one, even me nor you. But that doesnt mean my heart is invincible. I will still cry, I will continue to feel jealous each time I see a picture of you with another girl, I will still feel anger if i feel cheated of my feelings - just like you. But with time, hopefully, my strength will grow. And with time, everything will eventually heal.

Guess I wouldnt be getting any more Skype calls from you anymore, nor will I hear from you. I am afraid of what the future holds, without you in it with me, because the only future I have ever envisioned was the one with you, and Thomas and Alyssa. A part of me is still unwilling to let this all go. But most of me believe that this is for the better. I cannot continue to allow myself to get hurt time and time again. No matter what you say, no matter what your excuse is, the only excuse I will believe is that your feelings for me has changed, and that isnt as much as it used to be. Because the guy that promised me that he would marry me in 10 years time at the age of 16, the guy that ensured me after every fight, the guy who resisted his parents' objections to be with me, the guy who asked me whether I would wait for him, the guy that wrote me all those long messages, and called me to settle our quarrels through the night, would NEVER have imagined that our relationship would end because of long-distance. So dont lie to me and dont lie to yourself!!!

It's already been dragging on for almost a year. I can always wait for the one I love, but if he cannot show the same, it often makes the most sane of person wonder if it is worthwhile.

Just like how I will always be special to you, you will always be special to me. But maybe, this is the end of our story. I do not wish it to be, but you leave me no choice.

Adieu mon amour.

resentment only births more resentment

you cannot find love in anger

nor hurt

you tried so hard many years ago

i gave all i could in the recent months

hoping a second chance was what we needed

perhaps the chance came too soon

for us to not truly appreciate the other

conversations no longer flow easy

anger and hurt seethes through every word

my love alone will not be enough

to free us both from our pain

and that is why i resolve

to walk away

the future remains unknown

we will never know

Watch this, it is hilarious!

[Added] At leastI can seek comfort, that it is a universal thing that girls behave like that. Or at least, until they learn how to deal with guys.

The Thing About Being Single

Looking around me.. I am gently, but surely surprised to see that quite a number of my friends have already been taken. These things dont happen overnight of course but being the person looking from the outside, I cant help but wonder how did all that happen. These were single people around me, and we lived quite similar lives in the faculty etc. and yet in the same period of time that I have spent studying, emo-ing, conducting activities, etc., these people have gotten themselves attached. Well, I am happy for everyone who has found their other half, especially if they met them in university. Perfect dream right? You can spend THAT much of healthy time together and at the same time, still continue to pursue your dreams. Looking back, I laugh at myself for not seeing the sense in what my mother used to tell me: "Find a boyfriend in university". That time, I thought those were the words of a young women who has outgrown her era. But now, I understand why she says that. But I am not sure whether to agree or disagree.

I mean, if you can find a partner in university, great! But if you dont, is that a reason to fret?

Is it?

Personally, I would be a little worried. haha. People say that after you graduate, you will have to focus on building your career, and when that is settled, you will want to start your family. But a family doesnt just appear from nowhere. Ideally, the family would come from the union of you and your beau whom you have met from university. hmm...

But what if you dont find the right one in uni??

Well, it really doesnt mean anything. Not cursing anyone, but relationships can be really unpredictable at most times. You might be the sweetest couple at one point.. but months down the road, anything can happen to change that. It doesnt matter whether you have professed your everlasting love to him/her. Circumstances change, feelings change. Even if the feelings remain, the challenges thrown at you is enough to make a gap in any relationship. Of course, there are many relationships who brave this storm, and eventually come out of it stronger than ever. I wish I had that too. But even if a relationship fails, it is never entirely the fault of one party only.

I have come to realise that you cant judge how good a relationship is simply by the frequency your bf/gf messages you, or by the number of hours you spend together. At one point of time, these were very important things to me. The more hours together, the better. It didnt matter whether we used that time to fight or make up, as long as it was time that we were in the presence of each other, it was enough. Some people might think it silly, but yea that was the past me. But when i look back at it now, I wonder how is it possible that my views and needs on a relationship has changed so much, although not entirely drastically, over a span of less than one year.

I am no longer in a hurry to get attached. I want to take this opportunity to grow. To appreciate the many little things in life that I used to take for granted. Like how he would call me back each time after I hung up the phone, or appear at my house after every quarrel. Where he would whisk me off to a surprise place making me guess all the way. Or the little little things like respecting my choice on certain matters.

In addition..

Just like the millions of women before me, I am beginning to realise that I cannot settle for Mr. Alright while waiting for Mr. Right to arrive. Call me idealistic, but I really cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with a person that I am only okay with. This will the father of your children, the man who you will be cleaning after, cooking for, and not to forget the other additional favours in the bedroom.*winks* You will be expected to sacrifice your career for this man, even if that doesnt always happen. Will you do that for Mr. Alright?

Maybe in the past, women had less say. So having a man to marry was good enough news for her. But the situation isnt the same anymore. In some ways even, the tables have turned! This si the era wear girls wear jeans and pants, just like the men. They work in the same society as men, and are almost, if not already, on the same par as men. Why do they need to settle for anything less than best?

hmm... ok. Maybe this is the mentality of most feminist and this is what is partially contributing to the higher numbers of single unmarried women in the world. Yet, I cant help but echo my thoughts in the same sentiment.

Last but not least, I would just like to say that my ideal guy is very simple. He must know how to cook, wash, do housechores, garden, must love dogs, taller than 172cm, earn more than me, can speak at least three languages, shaves everyday, cannot be a smoker/vegetarian, must love eating food especially desserts, drive me everywhere, love his mother and his family, surprise me with simple and random things ever so often, write love letters to me, take me out on romantic trips, read romantic novels with me, sings well, speaks well, intelligent, plays three different types of musical instruments preferably the guitar, violin and piano, is not too fat but cannot be too thin, wears collared shirts on dates, has a huge dic..tionary, yada yada yada.

haha just joking. Caught you there, didnt I?

Love is blind and for all you know.. your Mr. Right can be the total opposite of your ideal guy. Relationships is all about feelings, forget the checklist! Even if he isnt right there infront of you now, have faith that he will come, and one day, when the time is right, he will.

What Fairy Tales Do Not Tell Little Girls

We all know that Cinderella got to marry her Prince after years of slaving away in her own home, Snow White woke up from a deep sleep after her Prince gave her that kiss, Princess Fiona got to marry and live happily with her Ogre that rescued her from the castle, and we even have our very own modern fairy tale romance of Prince William and Kate Middleton to show us that true love does exist, just like in the fairy tales.

These stories are so ingrained in each and everyone of us girls, if not all. Despite saying how much we wish we can find a handsome/rich/popular/etc. guy, deep in our hearts all we hope for is to find a man who can really appreciate us for who we are - see through us and still appreciate our inner self. We want to have a genuine, honest relationship where love is pure, true and innocent. We want to spend the rest of our lives, happily with him, knowing that he will faithfully love and cherish us for who we are to him.

I always loved fairy tales when i was a little girl. I still love them now. Who can refuse a whimsical romance that eventually ends in a happily-ever-after?

But in reality how often does it really happen?

I never really gave much thought to it. Somehow, despite the rising rates of divorces, break-ups of couples around me, I always believed that as long as I have faith, things will eventually work out for me. I believed that i would get my fairy tale ending. No, not necessary a handsome prince. But a simple guy who can truly appreciate me for being me, and that i can truly love in return. And I aint looking for the money. I just want to spend a genuine and happy life with the one I love, whom i may also call my best friend. I only want to find that one person whom I can share my world with, laugh and cry with, and that i can confide in without worrying whether he is judging me or if my secret will be let out to everyone in the world. I want to be able to trust that one single person and everything single thing he does.

What fairy-tales do not tell us is that behind every successful love story, buckets of tears were shed, thousands of angry words were exchanged, disastrous fights had occurred, and maybe even, partners were not faithful. Fairy-tales never warned us of the evil third party that may transcend each relationship, or the meddlesome family that just has to get in the way of two people in love. Fairy-tales also didnt tell us of how distance can stretch even the deepest love nor did it give warning of the potential hurt and grief one will likely go through as a result of falling in and out of love.

Often, I wonder if fairy-tales were created only to let us all fall into a made-up fantasy.. a temporary escape for us to run free and imagine that true love does exist, or does it really does exist???

I used to believe that true love exists. The kind where two people will sacrifice anything for each other just for the other to be happy. I really thought it was possible and i even thought that i had living proof, us. But i must have been too naive, because i am wrong. Even when one party refuses to give more than he ought to, it doesnt matter how hard the other party tries, the relationship will never NEVER work. Because i have been on both sides, and i know how a relationship can so easily fall apart.

It is sad that after almost four years of us working so hard to make this work, and that in the past recent months, i really did make an effort to make myself better, and yet, everything is in vain. But then again, at least i can seek comfort in the fact that i did give my best for us, and for you. And perhaps, it was just you who changed and could not learn to appreciate the one person who has faithfully been by your side after all these years. You made that choice, not only because of what you said tonight, but also from your actions in this past one month. You and I are on our own now.

BOYS

Having a relationship is not easy. A few years back when i first started secondary school, i thought having a boyfriend was cool. People were saying relationships are difficult, young people (like me, then) shouldnt jump into one so early, that we have so much of our lives ahead and shouldnt be tying down to some one at such an early stage of life. Back then, i told myself, if i ever do enter into a relationship, i would do it all right. I wouldnt need to fight with my boyfriend over petty issues, didnt need to worry about this and that of a relationship, and i was that naive to believe that love conquers all. I thought i was smart enough to know the psyche behind a boy's mind and that with that knowledge, i could tackle any relationship and make it smooth-sailing. (To prove my point, i was actually genuinely clueless on why books like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" were such a hit.)

Dont get me wrong, i am not one to object anybody jumping into a relationship regardless of how young, or how old they are. It's just six years and two relationships forward, now that i am 19 turning onto 20, i have come to realise the truth of all those old (and nonsensical) adults back then. A relationship is not all about having fun, it's not even just about being in love. A relationship is about a commitment with another person that involves not just love, but trust and respect. And oh boy, a relationship aint easy.

I really dont know how to put my thoughts into words right now, but what i am trying to put out is that understanding the opposite gender aint easy. Just like how i thought i knew everything there is to know about boys, it turned out that i am still pretty clueless about that other gender that shares this planet with us girls.

I thought guys like playing hard to get, but i was wrong.

I thought guys didnt like playing hard to get when they have gotten you, but i was wrong too.

I thought there are guys who would actually know how to appreciate girls for who they are, but i was wrong.

Then again, when I thought almost all guys are shallow creatures that are only attracted to hang out with attractive looking girls, i was wrong too.

I thought guys didnt really care about feelings, (yup!) and i got it wrong there.

But when i saw that not all guys are the feeling-feeling type, i realised that i got it wrong again!

I really cant fathom the mind of the boy. I really thought i had it all covered.

When we have a stable relationship, i thought we can be as honest and as close to each other as we like. That means, not playing hard to get, calling the guy when you do miss him, confiding in him about how you really feel and not pretend that you are too busy to answer his call. But somehow, maybe, i got it wrong here, all over again. Because it seems, from all the advice i am taking, maybe it is better if i do. Yet, i dont have the heart to because my heart is telling me that isnt the right thing to do.

You tell me, am i right or wrong this time?

3 Years of Love, Tears, Laughter and Pain

When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Haha.. something random.

I used to have a list of my ideal guy when i was small. The list consisted of qualities like:

1. Tall

2. Intelligent

3. Responsible

4. Hardworking

Over the years, i fell for many guys. Some that fulfilled those criteria partially, some not at all. A few had all but come to think about it.. those criteria doesnt really matter when you are looking for the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Even if a guy is tall, intelligent, responsible, and hardworking, it doesnt exclude him from being a shallow guy or a two-timer. True, the perfect family guy, (which i so want badly) needs to be hardworking and responsible, besides being intelligent enough to support a family.. but really, it shouldnt be the emphasis.

I know a guy.. he wasnt my 'type' when i first saw him. He was short and fat, he looked like a balloon, and i almost thought he was stalking me when he started calling me almost once a week at night, 10pm. That was five years ago?

Nevertheless, i enjoyed talking to him. He knew a lot of stuff that was happening in school and he would share them with me. Occasionally, i would tell him things that were bothering me and when i had a crush, he was one of the first few i would run to for advice. Likewise, he confided in me as he was crushing on another girl as well. This stalker turned out to be a great friend. Over the next stretch of years, we became closer. Especially when we were put in the same class in form 4.

I was still heartbroken from my break-up that happened the previous year and yea, this friend was one of the ones i often turned to when in need of support and a listening ear. I remember feeling embarrassed i had to ask his opinion on the card i made for my ex. But he was really supportive and a great listener. As he was having a hard time with his personal life as well, i knew that i had to be there for him.

This gradual symbiosis gradually changed from friendship to something a little more complex. The stalker was now my best friend. And he was no longer the fat round balloon. He was quite a tall and good-looking guy with quite a lot of brains (at least enough to be my Chemistry and Add maths tutor!) Most importantly, he genuinely cared for me and helped me overcome my personal fears.

I guess we both knew we liked each other but somehow, i was afraid. Afraid for many things. I hurt his feelings and he forgave me. Time after time. He never gave up on me.

So i dedicate this post to you. As my boyfriend, sweetheart, lover, and best friend. You love me for who i am and see the beauty in me that sometimes, i myself cannot see.

I can have vege stuch in between my braces and still smile broadly at you.

I can be my silliest without being afraid you will think i am silly.

You know the very best and the very worst of me. That's why you are special to me.

HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY! (It's on the 22th but if i want to make this a surprise, just as well do it early..)

Let this anniversary be a reminder of how far and how much we have already gone through and serve as a motivation that we can live through tens of this anniversaries in the future. XOXO.