Today, i met two senior buddies that have already graduated from UM. One of them treated the seven of us to lunch. And then we had ice-cream at Seed Cafe. I had delicious 'homemade' durian ice-cream. Spent a total of about four hours at Midvalley listening and exchanging stories, more of the former.
Went home and entered pensive mood.
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, nothing will ever be good enough? Today was a day i fought the inner demons within me, mocking and sniding remarks at me. Have you ever felt that no matter what you try to do to make yourself look better, there will always be someone sitting next to you that gets all the recognition that you wish for. Have you ever felt that no matter how much effort you put in a relationship, it still seems like the relationship is falling out of shape, just like trying to mold a shape ot of a plastic bag full of water. Have you ever felt that it doesnt really matter how hard you try to live your life, there will always be someone bringing you down. So many, "have you ever"s.. but i guess i will never know if any one has truly felt what i feel now. Frustration, dissatisfaction, stress, unhappiness, etc.
There will always be someone who looks prettier, sweeter, more elegant and beautiful, cuter, perkier than you can ever be. Why resist the fact???!! Why even bother trying in the first place when you know, you can never even be as good as them, what is there to say better. How would you feel if you think you are good enough only to step into the real world and realise you are nothing but a mere fry. It sucks, doesn't is?
Just try being me and you will know the taste of this bitter, bitter medicine. No one is at fault for my misery but myself. Once upon a time, i used to blame it on my mom but you know, it's no body's fault but my own. My fault for generating such karma to have this life. My attitude for attracting the miseries in my life. My face for denying the acceptance i so long to receive. So yea, nobody is at fault except me.
I feel helpless. What's the use of confiding in people. You only reveal your low self-esteemed self to them. They can't help you. Self-esteem and confidence comes from yourself. They might sympathise with you a little but those are the limits. The rest needs to come from yourself.
I feel tired too. I feel exhausted with this up-and-down goose chase of a relationship. Nobody said it would be easy, but nobody ever said it would be this hard. I can't give up, but i can't hold on. Either way feels so wrong. What is a relationship truly about, huh? Is it about being there for each other when you need each other? Is it about sweet romance and how the prince sweeps the princess off her feet and rescues her from this horrible shit world? I wish i could have the answers to every single question that comes into my head. But unfortunately i dont.
I really did try. I always put my 100% in everything i do. but of late, i feel that nothing in life deserves 100%. People that give in half the amount of commitment i put still can get away with the same thing. So where is the line?
It frustrates me to think, you have so many restrictions. You cant do this, you cant do that. But why can you go out tonight? You said you would message because you were in the car with ur family but you took half and hour to type that message. Which part was more difficult? Having to type a msg in a car? or having to type wht you had to write?
One more thing people, please dont ever talk or ask me anything to do with my relationship status anymore. I am tired of explaining whether i am single or in a relationship.
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